Heather's Journal #9 - "Failure - Has Become My Identity" 10-9-07 (same day)

Note:  Heather wrote two entries on the same day.  This one means more if you read #8 first.

9

“Failure – Has Become My Identity”

10-9-07 (Same day)

Lemme take it from the top. Me & Kathryn got in a fight & she ended up hitting one of my weak spots… so I called her a f**king bitch. 



Me & Mom had another one of our hour long talks. I actually think I, Heather Marie Lee, made a tiny step towards progress. :-) We talked about forgiving myself and not focusing on controlling everything but only concentrating on my relationship with God. 

I haven’t 4given myself a lot of things. I never realized that was the source 2 a lot of my problems. I’m making life a checklist instead of focusing on the more important things. I’m so caught up in my shame & guilt that I haven’t even begun 2 4give myself even if I say I have. 



I’m still holding onto my birth family & the fact that it wasn’t my fault that I was adopted, that I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m still holding onto my impurity & my guy problem. I messed up now I need 2 accept that I’m human & it’s really okay. Those are the main 2 things I haven’t turned completely 100% over 2 God.



I’m just now realizing that everywhere I turn I fail. I’m at the most broken point I’ve ever been at. I can’t seem 2 mold into my brain that God is looking directly at me saying, it’s ok & I love you. I still feel like some kind of helpless burden on him.


I am a failure – and I’m ok with that. Just taking the time to think about that relieves me somehow. All these memories and visions have probably been trying 2 show me that. The memory of my daddy tickling me, the night when someone was @ grandma’s door, the vision of me standing in an empty field w/ a storm ahead. 

When mom told me 2 seek the pursuit of perfection & that only when you feel helpless & broken can God begin 2 work with you. All of those connect in one way or another. 

I feel as if I’m too unworthy 2 be able 2 actually forgive myself. Yea God has. But me… I wasn’t accepting that I gave into sin b/c I knew I could have done better. But I need 2 know I am human & that I need 2 stop setting my goals so high. I cannot be perfect.

But I can accept that I’m a failure and that is okay.

All this time I’ve been trying 2 be the one in control. From growing up taking care of myself ever since I was way little -- I’ve just been used 2 the idea of being independent. No one could help me, not even God. I didn’t trust that anything would get done unless I did it myself. 

Now I see that I don’t’ need to be in control but I don’t need 2 just sit back & eat popcorn either. But I have 2 really focus on what’s important. And that would be 4giving myself & going deeper w/ my relationship w/ God. 

All of this wasn’t an accident. I’m learning 2 finally accept the consequences of my actions but also know its ok. 

These past few days I haven’t known what to do. I felt lost & completely broken in a million pieces. I’m hoping & praying God will keep working w/ me and I have faith that He will.

Btw – I don’t get 2 go 2 Shae’s but it’s alright. I don’t think I need 2 get out & be away from everything, maybe I just need time 2 sit & think. I’m gonna give up my sorrows, my pain, failures, questions, worries, grief & tears all up to God. 

I’m ready 2 move on & feel secure. 

May God be the inspiration of my life. I’ve been on a roller-coaster when it’s pouring down rain w/ my emotions but I think this just might be the beginning of turning point. Off 2 think…

I will strive 2 be better.


In Christ,


Heather Lee



P.S. My Mom… she’s the best. I wouldn’t trade our loooong conversations 4 a tub of never ending chocolate ice cream.

Dear Heather,

I like our long talks too. Sounds like this one was productive. But may I note that you are putting a lot of emphasis on the failure part. You say that you are okay with it – but don’t believe the lie that you are a total failure. You are not the highlight and underline - "I’m the worst kind of failure failure.” You are just the same kind of failure as everyone else who needs a Savior! 


I'm coining a new term.  It's called being confidently flawed. Kind of like saying, "Hey, I know I'm not perfect and I'm okay with that.  I'm not proud of it.  I'm trying to work on changing and growing and getting better. I will correct my mistakes.  But the mere fact that I am flawed simply makes me real and human.  It is not going to depress me, tear me down or deter me from moving forward with my life.  I'm strong because I have God on my side."


It has taken me many many years to reach that point.  But it sure is comforting to be confidently flawed.  

I love You.
Mom