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“To admit that I’m wrong and then change my mind, sorry but I
have 2 move on & leave u behind.
I can’t waist time so give it a moment. I realize nothing’s broken. No need 2 worry ‘bout things
I’ve done, Live every second like it was my last one. Don’t look back @ a new direction. I loved u once - needed protection. You’re still a part of everything I do
– you’re in my heart just like a tattoo…” Jordin Sparks
12-03-07
*sigh *
Sometimes I know exactly what I need 2 do – I just can’t bring myself to ever
do it… I need to leave this teenage love behind. And if I look back, I’ll smile - but that’s all it will ever
be. I don’t wanna go back 2 my old
ways & I won’t. I’ve finally got gmail & aim so that proves mom &
dad r trusting me. *smiles *
yay. I don’t feel like I’m in
prison anymore. Lol – just on probation.
Haha. Right now I’m leaving
everything behind. To have that
kind of a burden taken off – is so amazingly awesum.
And it
only took me 4ril thinking it – putting it into action is a whole new story but
if I really want this the way I think I do – w/ some prayer I can do it. I’ve spent so much time missing Dan but I know that if I could have him back – I wouldn’t truly be happy. So why am
I wishing 4 that? I don’t
understand myself @ all. Now I’m
ready 2 move on. I’m finally ready. It was the funnest hell I’ve been
through but now I’m ready 4 something much bigger… I’m ready 2 focus 100%
totally on God.
And I
always could have but I was still holding on too tight, I’m letting go &
I’m gunna give it all 2 Him.
*I will
strive 2 be better.
In
Christ,
Heather
Lee
Dear Heather,
Freedom. Isn’t it
great? And scary? And dangerous?
And powerful? Use it wisely. :-)
Sounds like you
are not only free of the prison we created for you because you disobeyed us –
but you are also free from the self-imposed prison you make for yourself when
you ignore God and try to do it your way!
Now I think we
need to talk about love for a few more minutes.
God created you
to love and to be loved. He
created the desires of your heart.
But He created us to love in a way that I think is very different than
the way you understand it right now. You are still quite young and therefore
have a limited view of love.
Ironically, the people that you profess to love also have a limited
view. Together, you don’t yet
understand how to give or feel love the way God meant for your heart to be
filled.
I think that what
your heart really desires is the kind of committed, enduring love that forms
the basis of most good marriages?
Some people first
learn what unconditional love feels like from their family. I know that my family is family – no
matter what. And no matter how bad
I am. No matter how many mistakes
I make. No matter how much of a
failure I am. My parents,
grandparents, and siblings will love me anyway.
Sometimes that is
spoken in families, but my guess is that more often it is just the way we
feel. We know it because we feel
the same way way towards them. No
matter how mad I got at my parents.
No matter what they did.
There was never a question in my mind about whether I still loved
them. Somehow, I just knew that
they felt the same way about me.
It’s not something I really ever thought about because I didn’t need to
think about it. I just knew.
My guess is that
you don’t have that secure feeling that I have. You wonder if your birth family really loves you because
they didn’t keep you. And I
suspect you associate them keeping you with them loving you.
I doubt that you
can even imagine that they loved you enough to let you go – knowing that they
couldn’t give you what they know you needed. But I can imagine that.
Sometimes, giving
up something that you love is the greatest sign of love. It says -I care about you more than I
care about my own feelings. I am
willing to endure losing you because I think You will be better or safer or
happier in another place. It takes
a very strong person to willingly give up anything they value – especially a
child.
This may sound
strange to you – but even if a mom is a drug addict or a prostitute or a lazy
person who refuses to take responsibility for her life - it’s still takes an act of love and
courage for her to admit that she is not the best person to care for the life
she helped create.
So anyway, I
think that you are missing the security that comes from just “knowing” that
your birth family loves you no matter what. I know that you love them in spite of whatever happened or
whatever they did, but I doubt that you can imagine that they feel the same way
about you. You don’t believe that
you deserve love, therefore you can’t imagine that they love you the same way
you love them.
And as much as I
wish it weren’t true - your dad and I are not an adequate substitute for the “I
just know” feeling you get when you are living with the family first created
for you. You know that we love
you. You know that we will keep
you. You know that you have done a
lot of really dumb things and we still love you anyway – but I don’t think that
is good enough to replace the certainty you might have had with your birth
family.
I think it might
have even been different if we had adopted you as a newborn or very young baby. We might have been able to instill that
trust before you started to rationalize your feelings. But that didn’t happen, so we’ll never
know. Fortunately, not everyone
who is adopted feels the way that you do.
I wouldn’t want to discourage anyone from adopting, but it makes sense
to understand the possibilities.
Anyway, I have
learned one surprising thing over the 35 years that I have been taking care of
other people’s children. No matter
how bad the situation is at home – drugs, alcohol, abuse, rape, beatings,
yelling, poverty, no lights, no food, lice, you name it – most kids would choose
to stay with their family in the horrible circumstances rather than be
separated. This is true even if
they could move into what might be labeled a “perfect family.”
As irrational as
it sounds, experience tells me that the parental bond is so strong that even if
your early life was absolutely horrible and you were neglected and
abused all throughout your life – you still might have had a better chance of
feeling that kind of unconditional love that comes from biological connections
than you did by coming to us after 6 previous placements.
Maybe recognizing
that can help you begin to heal.
Maybe knowing can help you begin to re-define love in God’s terms.
The love of
family is the best example we have of the kind of love I think you want. Your dad and I love you forever, but I
don’t think you have ever let your heart truly believe that. You have a little barrier in place that
you use to protect yourself in case we decide to dump you one day. That barrier keeps you from feeling the
love we give.
Love is
complicated. But it is worth it.
I love you.
Mom
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