Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Heather's Journal #51. "Living in the Silence Before the Storm." Source? No date.


51
“Living in the Silence Before the Storm.”  Source?
No Date

So why does death feel like its staring at me right between the eyes?  Another kid died in a car wreck at Chelsea High School.  I just got finished reading his girlfriend’s MySpace & it made me cry.  Kids my age aren’t supposed to die & when they do, it makes me realize death is coming4 all of us & there’s no stopping it.  But I’ve felt this way for a couple of weeks now – like someone who’s close2 me is gonna die & I know I won’t be able to handle it.  I don’t know what I’m gonna do.  I just pray these feelings are all wrong.

I’ve gotta switch topics.  Last night there was this huge storm that kept everyone up in the house.  I woke up & stared out the window while I cuddled with Lolla.  She makes me feel not so alone. 

Yea.  Even though I’m in a house full of people I still find myself being lonely.  Life is in slow motion right now.  I mean nothing’s gone completely wrong2 make me feel out of place.  It’s just that I’m trying2 find myself.

Surviving each day w/ a smile is my goal right now.  I mean – you never really know when it could be your last.  One day this will all blow over & everyday won’t feel so melancholy.  I just wanna know what I can do2 speed up the process.

I will strive to be better.
In Christ,
Heather Lee

Dear Heather,

It makes everyone so sad when someone young dies.  It just seems so unfair.  Like they didn’t get a chance to experience all this world has to offer.  You guys usually feel so invincible – like nothing bad will ever happen to you even when you do dangerous or risky things.  I read that the part of your brain that can evaluate the real consequences of your actions doesn’t develop until your mid-teens.  That might explain why ya’ll do things when we think that you should know better!

Ever since my car accident I’ve been afraid that one of my kids will die in a car accident.  I hate that feeling and I hate living in fear.  But it does affect the decisions I make for ya’ll. I know the risks and I’m just not willing to take them.  That’s why we don’t allow ya’ll to drive with anyone until you have had your license for 6 months.  And the reason we don’t let you have more than one extra person in the car for a while after that.  And why you can’t drive with the radio on until you have been driving a year.  And why we teach you not to do anything while you’re driving – including changing the heat/air controls.

All we are trying to do is eliminate all the obvious problems.  But nothing is a guarantee.  We can try to keep you safe – but it doesn’t mean you won’t die in a car accident.  I hate that feeling.

The really sad part is that the kids you knew died from avoidable mistakes – but mistakes that are common for inexperienced kids who are more interested in having a good time than protecting their lives.  What is really hard is that in both cases, the kid that died wasn’t the driver.  That makes it so so so hard for the driver that lived. Imagine how you would feel if you knew that your mistake killed your best friend. I never want you to be in that position.  Again.  I can’t guarantee it won’t happen – but I have a responsibility to try to help you avoid it.

I love you.
Mom

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Heather's Journal #50. "I'm finding out that maybe I was wrong...." No Date



50
“I’m finding out that maybe I was wrong.  That I’ve fallen down and I can’t do this alone.  Stay with me please.  This is what I need.  This heart, it beats for only you.  My heart is yours.”  [Source?]

No Date

This notebook is full of pages from good days to bad – yet I still feel like I’m at square one.  Everything I’ve wanted is all a mess now… I don’t even wanna go2 school anymore. I’m happy here, but I find myself wanting2 pack up & move2 somewhere exotic.  Mom thinks I just wanna create a new identity, so no one knows my past.  But that’s not completely accurate.  I don’t care who knows about my past.  I just wanna get away. 

I used2 just want something new.  But even that doesn’t sound satisfying enough.  I want new faces, new clothes, new ideas, new places – same me.  Just different things. 

Well, maybe one day.  For now, I’ll just try n be content here.  I’m happy w/ my Jesus, but I will feel lonely here on earth. 

Everyone seems2 be leaving & I want to go too.  But I’m stuck here.  I don’t wanna go2 highschool anymore b/c all the people are the same.

Ah – IDK  Whateeeeever!

I will strive to be better.
In Christ
Heather Marie Lee


“I wanna dance w/ him in the street & just forget it all.”


Dear Heather,

I know that you like knew and exciting things.  They make you feel good – at least for a moment.  But I bet you could have a new experience every hour and you would get bored of the constant new experiences.  :-)  I  like new and exciting things too.  There is nothing wrong with that – as long as it isn’t a substitute for dealing with reality.

I thought you wanted a place where no one knew your past because I think you would love to create a new you.  Well, not really new.  But the happy, carefree person you think that you want to be.  You don’t want to be held back by your past.  So, I was thinking that the urge to leave may be more related to the freedom that comes with a fresh start. 

I know that you don’t care if other people know about your past.  But you are so busy trying to forget and ignore it that it would be easier if no one else knew. 

Unfortunately, your problems won’t leave you.  They just follow you to the next place until you deal with them.  Kind of like an annoying mosquito.  Or a troublesome child. :-)

I love you.
Mom

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Heather's Journal #49. "11:11p.m. I Wished My Best Friend Would Come Back2 Me One Day." 2-20-08



49
“11:11 p.m.  I wished my best friend would
 come back2 me one day.”
2-20-08

Okay.  So I’ve been struggling with not talking2 Mac a lot this week & it’s been eating me alive.  Tonight I layed it all down2 Christ and I prayed He’d take it away from me.  I screwed up with Mac & I regret it.  But I know God is faithful & loving so I trust He’ll make the best of things.

I wrote on about 20 individual flash cards all my mistakes.  I wrote things like – 4 every hug, 4 every phone call, 4 every moment of silence, 4 every laugh, 4 every stare, every stupid joke, every kiss, every I love you & every moment I didn’t put my Lord God 1st

Then I prayed that God would release me from what I was hangin’ on to and that He would strengthen me.  That He wouldn’t necessarily make me 4get about Mac, but that He would help me let go of him.  It’s all I can do. 

Mac will never realize how much he meant to me & how amazing I thought he was.  Maybe he’ll talk2 me one day, but 4 now it’s goodbye. 

I’m so sick of these stupid relationships – I want a guy who’s gonna be my leader.  A guy who is love with God.  A guy who’s perfect for me.   

All I want is 2 go through with this whole love thing the right way.  And right now it’s not happening.  But of course,  I’m only 15!  But I promise I’ll know when the right guy comes along.  (At least I hope.) 

So babe – when you read this, know I’m thinkin’ of you & I’m tryin my best 2 be pure & put God 1st.  I’m savin’ myself4 only you because I know that you’ll be just that worth it. :-)

It’s hard2 set yourself apart from this world & follow who you’re called2 be.  But I will always get back up when I fail.  I’ll never stop running back2 Christ.  I’m gonna like more guys & fall short in weakness, but I pray I’ll put God 1st.  That I’ll stay pure.  That’s I’ll wear this purity ring til I get married.  I want2 live a Christian life.  I wanna chase God with everything I have.  Even if that means letting go of someone you loved.  Sometimes goodbye’s the only way.  You gotta let’em go2 c if they’ll come back2 you.

I will strive2 be better.
In Christ
Heather Lee

Dear Heather,

You sound so mature and you nailed it.  It is so hard to set yourself apart from what the rest of the world is doing.  At times it all looks like so much fun.  And the truth is sometimes it really is more fun than doing what you know is right – at least at the moment.  But you have an advantage over most people because you already know how unhappy you are when you choose the world’s way over God’s way. 

And the funny thing is that you probably don’t feel guilty because you think God will be mad at you. He won’t be mad.  He might be disappointed, but He has already made the ultimate sacrifice to save us from our sins.  That’s why his Son – Jesus - died on the cross. I guess it’s kind of a waste of God’s time to get angry after he already took care of the problem once and for all. 

So, living the world’s way makes us unhappy -- but not because we are afraid.  It makes us unhappy because we love someone very much and when we do something to disappoint them -  most of us eventually become angry with ourselves for hurting and disrespecting someone we love.

As for all the things we do wrong – I wish I could fit my mistakes on 20 note cards.  It would probably take about 200 per day and that’s only if I count the bigger stuff!  But once again, you show that you really understand your problem. 

I noticed that you apologized for hugging and kissing and laughing and other things that really aren’t wrong – in the right situation.  But that’s the important part – some things that seem wrong are only wrong in the wrong situation.  Like sex.  Before marriage it is wrong.  After marriage you can do it as often as you want. 

The most important thing you said was that you were sorry for not putting God first.  That’s all that it really amounts to.  You knew that you were going after what you wanted with this guy– not what was right for you.  That’s very wise.

What’s so funny is that you seem to be attracted to boys that are exactly the opposite of the kind of person you say you want.  Starting with a guy that loves God.  Isn’t this the same guy you have been praying will accept Christ for the last year?  Did something change? 

And wasn’t it just a few months ago (December 15 to be exact) that you listed all the qualities you want in a permanent mate?  Does Mac meet your own standards?

I don’t know who God has in mind for you, but I can be absolutely sure that God will not match you up for life with a non-Christian permanently.  The bible tells us that we should not be “unequally yoked.”  This is kind of a core issue for marriage.    

All that means is that Christian’s should not marry non-Christians because it will cause a lot of misery. It’s not that non-Christians aren’t “good enough.”  And it also doesn’t mean you can’t associate with or be friends with non-Christians – which some people might try to tell you.  Non-Christians are made in the image of God just like you.  And if you don’t associate with non-Christians – how can you ever share Christ with them? 

The only limit is marriage. 

Think about it.  If you are committed to following Christ and understand that you must follow Him to be happy, but you also commit your married life to someone who does not share your beliefs – can you imagine how stressful that would be for you? 

Think about how much you worried about Mac because he was a non-believer.  Think about how responsible you felt for leading him to Christ.  Think about how long this has been going on.  Imagine living that way for the rest of your life.  It is not a good recipe for marriage.  (Of course, he could change.  But you don’t know that.)

I know that you know at least one married person in that situation right now and you have watched her struggle.  And divorce isn’t an option either.   Sometimes, the story ends well.  But sometimes it doesn’t. 

And it is really really hard if a woman believes that her husband should be the leader of the family.  Can you imagine putting yourself under the authority of a husband who does not believe in God and someone who may not even be aware that he needs a Savior? How hard would it be to follow a husband who is not at all worried about leading you away from God.

That’s why it is not wise to be unequal partners when it comes to faith.

That’s enough of the hard stuff for now.  We have much more to discuss but not now.

I love You.
Mom 

P.S.  Is the “babe” you address in letter referring to your future husband?  If so, that is really a sweet thought.  I’m sure he’d appreciate it.