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“Coming Together… or Falling Apart”
October 21, 2007
Daddy B… yep he was the person I hung onto the most. He was my daddy. Now he’s someone I never want to remember. He seemed so innocent but now I know where I got the jean of screwing up. Me & Mom found him under the sex offender list. This is all like a dream but – I know it was him. I don’t want it to be but now that I’ve found out & let it sink in … I know it 2 be true.
BUT WHY? Not my daddy… not him… any1 but him. It was ok @ first but now it’s getting 2 me. My life always gets more confusing w/ drama as the seconds go by. I don’t know what 2 do… except to cry, cry until I cry myself to sleep. I want so badly 2 accept this & move on but I can’t take it as easy as I want 2. This is years of questions asked w/ a lonely heart & now I’m left w/ a trashy past. Not a broken past but trashy & mistreated.
His face has been molded in my mind all day & it won’t leave. I haven’t quite decided how I feel emotionally about all this. It’s hurting right now. Really just plain hurting. It’s weird b/c it feels like I’m about 2 go back 2 my old ways & not trust guys @ f*&king all.
I can’t handle this. And I don’t want 2. Him… Damn. After all these years now I’m just grossed out. But I 4give him – it just sux 2 have 2 feel pain like this. Something no child or young adult should have 2 feel or be used 2. I grieve 4 the other people who had it much worse than me. I could look @ myself as one of the lucky ones I guess. But now my memory of my past & my mind set has been 100% completely distorted. I always felt something wrong, just never this.
I want everyone to know “Don’t f*%k around with kids – go screw yourself but don’t f&%k around with little kids.” It does 2 things to us. Permanent things we’ll spend a lifetime trying to overcome… & most of us don’t even know why. (Scuse my language.) Its a depressing little world we live in & I often find it difficult 2 see God’s beauty but I remind myself that beauty is in the broken. – Wow… I must be f*&king gorgeous.
Jesus, thank you.
I will strive 2 be better
In Christ
Heather Lee
Dear Heather,
It hurts so much to watch you go through this. As your mom, this is one pain I would certainly take away if I could. After all these years, I can’t believe we never looked him up on the sex-offender list before. It’s not like we haven’t been on the site a million times before looking for other fathers. It’s not like I shouldn’t have thought of it before. But what is weird is that I never looked either. Not even secretly. God must not have wanted us to know this until this exact time. I don’t know why?
I don’t know why we found this out now. I don’t know why it happened? I don’t know why it was your father. I don’t know anything. Except this.
It was not your fault. It wasn’t your fault that you were abused. It wasn’t your fault that you trusted. It wasn’t your fault that you loved. It wasn’t you fault. Nothing was your fault.
And blaming yourself – which I think you do without realizing it – only pulls you down and destroys you even more – causing you to believe that you don’t deserve love. You don’t deserve to be wanted. You don’t deserve God. And those are lies.
I love you.
Mom
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