Heather's Journal #29. "Untitled." 11-30-07

29

No Title

11-30-07

What the heck do I do?!?  I’m changing so much… and I’m struggling 2 keep the same personality.  I refuse to be one of those boring/pain in the butt adults.  I had a break-down the other night.  I wud have written but I was too upset.  Mom & Dad were yelling @ me b/c I’m failing math.  They usually don’t care about my grades – but I guess that’s cuz I don’t usually fail either.  Idk, I just got so upset.  Then I went 2 my room & 4 freaking people knock on my door when they know I just wanna be left alone – I even sent Binky away, which is unusual. 

I started opening this binder 2 write, saw my dad’s picture & then punched the Crap out of it.  I have a super painful bruise on my right hand from it but it sure felt good. 

So, I’m guessing I’ve definitely reached the angry part in the grieving process.  I’ve grown up with this fantasy that it was never my parents’ fault, that they just wanted what’s best and maybe, just maybe they were gonna win me back later.  I did figure out that I didn’t want to go back there again but I still pictured him as my hero. 

Now, it’s just – Idk.  Trying 2 4get & then learning how 2 deal w/ it when I remember.  I’m doing good over-all.  Christmas is only 25 days away – so hard 2 believe.

I’m still caught in a wad about -----.  I don’t know what 2 do.  *sigh * May God be with me and my idiot of a brain.

I haven’t talked 2 Brad in a while and I’m completely fine w/ it.  No is my answer.  For all the times I asked myself if I was really in love, the answer is no.  I hate that it has taken all of this time 2 realize that but it has.  He had all of me – Idk.  Maybe he’ll never care but I’m suure I don’t, @ least anymore.  So, yep, this is the latest update – 4 now. Lol.

*I will strive to be better

In Christ,

Heather Marie Lee

Dear Heather,

We are mad at you for failing math because we know you have so much more potential.  But maybe all this dad stuff is getting in the way and since you aren’t talking about it – we don’t realize that there is a connection. 

So, let’s forget math for now.  We can fix that later. You can make the math go away (especially since I’m your teacher :0), but you can’t push out the feelings that keep coming up over Daddy B.  Like you said, you are at the angry stage and that is part of the grieving process. 

You are going to have to get all the way to the end of this.  It’s almost like someone died.  But in your case, it’s your dream that died.  The image of your father as a loving, protective man who had only your best interest at heart.  Your dream that he really wanted to keep you and just couldn’t.  That’s all sad stuff and you can’t just pretend like it doesn’t matter.

Deal with it baby.  Don’t stuff it back in.  Don’t pretend.  Work through the pain.  You will survive it.

I love you.

Mom