Monday, December 31, 2012

Heather's Journal #66. "Run, Biotch Run! He guna Kill you." 4/19/08


66
“Run, Biotch Run! He guna Kill you.”
4/18/08

I ‘ve been thinking and I wanted to dedicate this journal entry to my very best friend because I don’t think I’ve talked about her much in here.  Binky has been not only my foster sister but truly my very best friend.  She knows me backwards & forwards just like I know here.  There’s not one person in this world I wouldn’t die for, but Binky, I’d die twice for her. 

I look back and can’t help but to smile thinking-a-all the stupid things we’ve done together .  And it’s hard to believe we’ve never really gotten into a fight before.  I mean we have once or twice but that’s all, and it was over us not hangin out when we said we would. Lol. 

I love that girl.  I swear if we were any closer we’d be gay.  She’s the cheese to my macaroni.  I hope she stays here until we grow up and get places of our own because I can’t imagine her livin anywhere else other than 2 rooms away from mine.  Sometimes I think I forget how lucky I am to still have her here.  She’s the only person in the world who can make me smile.  Even if I get some surgery done on my face and it was medically proven that I couldn’t smile, I betcha I could if Binky said something dumb.  I just wanted to make sure she’s in here since she does mean so much to me.  Lol.  I love her w/ all my heart and more.  Binky, you’re my best friend, sister, super-hero, my #1 always. :-)

I will strive to be better.
In Christ,
Heather Lee

Dear Heather,

That beginning quote has to be from Binky or one of the Madea movies! She is so quick witted I sometimes laugh so hard I pee in my pants.  (I know.  TMI.  But true nonetheless.)  That's one of her gifts.

Did you notice that this is the second sister in just a few days that you have said you are glad is part of your life.  Once again.  I know God has us together for a reason.  It affirms everything we do as a family.  I’m grateful you have her perspective.  I dare say she offers a slightly different viewpoint than Kat or Bec!  And that is good. She has endured much and she understands some of your life better than most. 

I love you
Mom

Heather's Journal #65. "And I never wanna mis a sunselt." 4/16/08



65
“And I never wanna miss a sunset.”
4/16/08

I feel like writing but I don’t have much to say.  I’ll start off talking about how much I love summer. <3  Today was absolutely gorgeous, that’s what made me say, I never wanna miss a sunset.  I love the sunsets here.  It’s so beautimus.

Okay, so I haven’t liked anyone in a long time… lol.  Wicked Weird & so I’ve been praying that God will send me that special person.  As much as I hate guys… I miss those silly butterflies they give me.  I know I’ll have to wait but maybe it’ll teach me how to be patient.  *smiles * But I’m happy just how I am too.

I will strive2 be better.
In Christ,
Heather Lee

Dear Heather,

I woke up at 5 am this morning (dad was leaving on a trip) and I saw the sun rising over the mountains.  There were a layer of clouds softly blanketing the space between the valley and the peaks of the mountain off in the distance.  The sun crept up over the tip of the mountain, casting a pinkish orangeish light, which then turned to bright orange and then finally, the brightness was so bright it had no color. 

I often wonder why I don’t get up more often just to see the sun rise.  It is such strong evidence of God.  I get the same feeling watching nature around our house.  Everything works together perfectly.  Everything needs each other in some way.  Everything has a purpose – even the annoying things.  How can anybody look at this perfection and believe it was an accident?  A simple evolution of things to the right state.

I can’t believe it because it is not within my realm of experience.  I can’t find two people who can work together perfectly all the time.  I can’t find a small group that is in perfect symbiosis all the time.  I can’t find any group of people that agrees with every other person on everything and then each makes individual changes to suit the needs of the entire group.   

How can I possibly imagine that humans and animals and insects and plants and every other living being somehow managed to coordinate their evolution so well that they were able to evolve separately, but in a way that also maintained the perfect balance and interdependency that exists in nature right now?  I’m not very good with math – but I would say it is statistically impossible for the world and all living things to be what they are today by accident or group evolution.  I can’t even fathom the remote possibility. It simply doesn’t make sense by any standard of man.

Admittedly, the alternative view -- that this world and all living things were created by God – sounds equally impossible.  Unless you believe that God is something more than human and that he is not limited by our knowledge and abilities.  Anyway, at least for me, acknowledging that a Master was in charge of creation is much less crazy than believing that you can rationalize the existence of man.

I love you.
Mom

Heather's Journal #64. "There's always 5 min left...." 4/15/08


PLEASE NOTE:  Entries 58-64 are in reverse chronological order on the December 31, 2012 blog entry date.  This makes it difficult to read these chronologically.  I don't know how to fix the problem, so if you like to read the entries in order just know that all of these entries can be found on this date.


64
There’s always 5 min left…
4/15/08

Here I am in Biology Class at co-op during the last 5 weeks of school.  As much as I hate it here, I think I’m gonna miss it.  I came here my 6th grade year  (I think) and I’ll be a sophomore next year.  So that means I came here before I ever had a boyfriend, before my 1st kiss, b4 I met Binky, b4 I got my door takin’ away, b4 I knew David, Emma, Missy, b4 I ran away, b4 I snuck out & b4 I took the car.  Wooow!  I’ve changed sooo much & this place is the building I’ve come to 2 days a week through everything. 

This isn’t the most exciting school… it’s just the place where all of my best memories are… it’s just the place that’s helped make me who I am.  I’ve never been ready to go to public school until recently.  

All this time it’s been a dream just far away enough to be at the tip of my fingertips but still out of reach.  I would have probably been a completely different person if Mom & Dad let me go to school.  I convinced my flesh for so long that I wouldn’t change.  That I would be just the same if I could go2 school.  Now I look back & ask who the heck was I kidding?  I’m glad my parents knew better. 

I still wanna go but I want to go being the person that I am. 

This co-op has been everything I need through these past few years though.  All the way from the stupid dress code to the guys having to stand up every time Mrs. M walks into the room.  I know looking back at this co-op is a heck of a lot better than when I actually lived through it because I know how much I dread it.  But I’m just sayin… overall… it’s been ok.  I’m still alive which means I’m a survivor. Lol. 

I don’t wanna 4get this co-op… weather I go 2 public school or still home school next year.  Wherever it is that I end up… I think I’ll be just fine. :-) I guess this chamber they call a school hasn’t been so bad afterall.

I will strive to be better.
In Christ,
Heather Lee

Dear Heather,

How many times have you both loved and hated this school?  Sometimes, we get ready to leave a place and suddenly, we see its value.  They say you don’t know what you have until it’s gone.  I don’t really know who “they” is, but they are right.  When the irritation disappears, all that is left is what is real.  And more times than not, we find out what is real wasn’t so bad afterall.

I wish I knew how to skip right to the end feeling.  Life would be so much better if we could appreciate everything while we are in the midst of it instead of when we are leaving. 

I Love you.
Mom

Heather's Journal #63. No title. 4/12/08


63
No Title
4/12/08
I’m home from my M's house, I really love that girl.  I saw Mac again to, I don’t feel like writing out all of it but I feel let down… we were supposed to talk but we  never did.  I don’t even know him anymore.  I miss him…. My best friend.  I feel like he’s gone forever.  I wanna cry but the tears won’t seem2 fall & I’m not gonna try and force them.  Disappointment seems to follow me like they’re the clothes on my back.  Don’t get me wrong, I had an awesome time w/ M, but Mac seemed 2 have more of an impact on me than I wanted.  He seems to not have a care in the world… & I’m trying to hold it all together & look the same.  I wanna win – not him.

I’ll write you just 2 let you know that I’m all allright. 
Can’t say, I’m sad to see you go.  Cause I’m not.  Well, I’m not.

So We Just Take it Back

Dear Heather,

I’m sorry that you are still disappointed.  But remember how good you are at looking like you don’t have a care in the world – I suspect Mac has the same skill.  It’s all a façade.  Fiction.  Fake.  You know his issues and you know that either he is struggling on the inside or he isn’t yet aware of how bad his situation is.

Remember, looks can be deceiving.  Put the focus back on him. Not you.  Think from his perspective for a moment.  You won’t feel so disappointed. You might even understand.

I love you.
Mom

Heather's Journal #62. " Just Smiling" 4-9-08


62
“Just Smiling"
4-9-08

The days just keep rollin’ on by and I can’t help but to thank God for every bit of it.  I keep seeing my past through my everyday life  I can see my old school, my favorite old shirt, my friend’s old sand-box… I still see it all.  Sometimes I can even smell my past.  It’s like an entire film constantly playing in my head only pausing when I blink entering reality again.  I never knew growing up was gonna be like this.

During the day I try & go back remembering every moment I’ve ever lived because I never wanna forget it.  As my days increase….  I can only hope my memory can hold it all. 

I want to keep every moment right w/me.  Every laugh.  Every tear.  Every hug.  I want it all.  I just don’t wanna forget where I came from and everything that made me who I am.

Things at home are still crazy… but I love it because that’s what makes me feel like home.  Mom trying to manage everyone.  Correcting their every mistake and trying not to go insane herself.  Dad trying to stay sane through tax season… occasionally coming upstairs to wander… asking obvious questions then repeating it all back 3 times… lol.  Every baby in the house screaming (currently Taquito, Sam and NuNu.)  And everyone else off doing their own thing.

But I still make time just to sit and watch it all. Because it makes me laugh. 

Home… as much as I hate this place, I’ll always love it more.  It would not be home without all the constant noise, yelling, fighting, & 12 a.m. snacks with half the house that gets up to do the same… man… it’s just where I belong. 

Lately, I’ve heard constant banging in the house, like someone is trying desperately to hammer on a door we’ve knocked off or something.  But that’s not what it is at all.  Come to find Torito, KK and Tq have mastered the idea of “dress-up.”  Lol.  I keep forgetting I’m not the little girl playing that game anymore.  … They go around the house all day everyday with the loudest clunking high heels on.  Lol.  So, since it’s them making all the noise… I found it to be a little more tolerable. 

Well, I think that is all for now….

I will strive to be better.
In Christ,
Heather Marie Lee

P.S.  I just found out, my mom, bec, kat, rubz, tabz & me are all on… no wonder this is emotion central. Lol.

Dear Heather,

Our house isn’t for everybody.  But I think God put us all together on purpose.  He knew that we need to live in community.  He knew that we needed each other.  That somehow, as a group – we are better than we are alone.  And different than we would have been growing up in our original families. 

I love to sit back, when I’m not crazy at the moment, and just watch us.  So many sweet things happen everyday.  I think I overlook many of them – or at least don’t tell ya’ll I notice – because I’m so busy managing this large crew that I get caught up in who needs to do what and when. 

Some people criticize large families. And that includes us.  They can’t imagine why anyone would have a family our size.  Although people seem to be more tolerant of our family once they learn that most of you are adopted.  Suddenly, we turn from crazy people for having so many children, to blessed people for taking on so many children.    People who have large families by birth tend to be the ones that get the most criticism. 

Anyway, watching the relationships develop. Watching Bec, Kat, & Amy grow up never knowing what it would have been like to live in a family without the rest of ya’ll.  Watching people heal.  And mature.  And learn to trust again.  I don’t get to see it nearly as much as I would like – but when I take the time to stop and breathe and listen and watch, I love our family and I’m so grateful God trusted me with the job as your mom. 

I love you very much.
Mom

Heather's Journal #61. "I'm never ever ever ever gonna be the same again.... LOL" 4-6-08


61
“I’m never ever ever ever gonna be the same again.  I’m flippin’ choosing worship music instead of rap!  What’s wrong with me?!? … LOL
4-6-08

Okay.  So it’s  been tough these last couple-a-days but I’ve managed2 climb right out of it.  I cried myself2 sleep the other night   4 the first time in a while… At least over a guy that is.  Long story short:  X-boyfriends just really shouldn’t date your best friend.  Missy is a long story.  I’m moving on though.  I swear I have a problem with letting people back into my life who should just remain in the past.  Drama follows me  like I’m it’s  freakin’ mother & I’m running faster than ever before.  I’ve found my escape.

I spent the night w/ my X's sister the other day & had a blast.  This whole hanging out w/ new  people is flippin’ amazing.  I saw  my X & it wasn’t awkward, I just want to hug him n tell him I was sorry 4 all the pain I caused hoping he would somehow understand.. but I didn’t.  I  talked to him but didn’t say hello or goodbye lol confusing, I know.  I’m really hoping I can make it 2 church this Wednesday so we can talk.  On God’s time though, not mine.

With all that2 say, I miss Mac a whole lot but I’m really okay.  I’m holding onto this happiness escaping2 the Lord when I get in way over my head again.

I will strive to be better.
In Christ
Heather Marie Lee

Dear Heather,

“I’m holding onto this happiness escaping2 the Lord when I get in over my head…”  Sounds like you are using your star player.  Great solution!  He’ll always come through for you.

I love you.
Mom

Heather's Journal #60. No Title. 4-3-08


60
No Title
4-3-08

And here I am feeling small, ugly & insignificant.  I’m trying not to but it’s finally catching up to me.  Everything feels so unreachable.  I hate this… I just saw some pictures of my X & some chick, they were adorable together.  It brought back old feelings & a whole new level of wanting someone again.  God’s all I need.  I know.  But I miss those spontaneous butterflies…

I just want someone perfect.  But I don’t see how I’m gonna let someone else in my heart after all this.  Always being disappointed.  I need to pray.  I feel like I’m suffocating in this world again….

I will strive to be better…
In Christ,
Heather Marie Lee

Dear Heather,

Only 3 days ago, happiness stopped in for a visit.  But one picture sent happiness fleeing out the door.  Problem.  You  left the door wide open and smallness, ugliness and insecurity sneaked inside. 

You are not suffocating.  That is a lie.  You have God on your team.  Use Him.  He’s the star player.

I love you.
Mom

Heather's Journal #59. "Psalm 33:4" Undated


59
Psalm 33:4  “For the Word of the Lord is Right & True. 
He is faithful in all that he does.”

I’m at a loss for what to say.  Mac texted me tonight off of his sister's phone.  He didn’t tell me that it was him til later though… he wanted to talk to me @ church but I wasn’t there… I’m upset but maybe it wasn’t time yet… It’s in God’s hands.

All the nights I spent crying, trying 2 4get about him,  praying 4 him… it’s all been heard by God. 

He’s been faithful – I can’t wait 2 see what He does later on in life, but I know He lives – I know He’s not just a God who’s distant, but a God who is forever faithful and personal.  This life… is so undescribable from my perspective.  I’m growing up realizing all the things that I never thought I would figure out.

I live for God.  No matter how confused I might think I am sometimes – I’m so sure of 1 thing.  My God is who I live for.  PRAISE GOD. 

I will strive to be better.
In Christ
Heather Lee

Dear Heather,

What better testimony than a life lived for God.  A God who is here.  Now.  Present.  And faithful.

I love you.
Mom

P.S.  The funny thing is that God is always here.  We just trick ourselves into thinking He’s not here when He’s not giving us what we want.  

Heather's Journal #58. "Finding happiness" 3-30-08



58
“Finding Happiness”
3-30-08

Suddenly… I’m happy.  With everything.  With homeschooling.  With my family.  With my friends.  And with God.  I’ve been  prayin’ for true happiness & I think I’ve found it.  I pray 2 God & I tell him He can take everything from me but I’m still happy b/c I have Him.  He’s all I need. 

I tend to get lost in this world of fake happiness.  But that’s when I find my Lord.  When I realize He’s the only one who’s fully satisfying.  Let me never 4get that.

As 4 the future, I pray that God will prepare me for what is to come.  That I can find who I am…. I think I’m close.  I don’t really have that much2 say except thank you God.  It all goes to Him.

I will strive to be better.
In Christ
Heather Marie Lee

“All we are is yours.  All we’re livin’ for is all you are.  All that you are.” (Source?)

Dear Heather,

I’m gald that happiness has dropped by for a visit.   Hope he stays a while.  Make him comfortable. 

I love you.
Mom

P.S.  I guess he could be a she – but who knows. :-)

Heather's Journal #56. No title. March 21, 2008


56
No Title
March 21, 2008

Today’s Good Friday so I’m basically sitting in awe of the Lord.  Death has faced us & we tend to forget what Christ really went through.  Let everyday not be taken for granted.  That’s all I have2 say.

I’ve been thinkin’ about my future & it’s pretty much consumed me.  I don’t know if I’ve been ‘worrying’ but I’ve definitely been thinking.  My life stance is going2 college,  playing soccer & then being a flight attendant.  I wonder just where exactly I’ll end up… we’ll see.

Today me n Kat went out & just chilled.  We went 2 Starbucks & talked about life in general.  Kat… has no idea how much she’s impacted me.  Just by being herself.  Now she can get on my nerves Lol but she is probably … the best person I know.  I don’t have much to say… I’m  getting by.  Lookin 4ward 2 turning 16.

I will strive2 be better. 
In Christ
Heather Marie Lee

Dear Heather,

I’m so grateful for your relationship with Kat.  You two are so different.  Yet you are so perfect for each other.  She is an incredible girl and a loving sister.  She admires you as you admire her.  Not for what you have in common – but for how you complete each other.  Each of you has qualities the other needs.  You need to be reigned in sometimes.  Kat needs to branch out.  She needs not to worry about what will probably never happen.  You need to think a little more about what probably will happen!  The greatest part is that you truly love each other.  She will be your friend for life.  Make sure she knows how much you really admire her.  I think she thinks you hate here sometimes.  And she really wants your love. 

I love you both.
Mom

Heather's Journal #55. "This is a love song to you...." Heather finds her love for God once again....


55
“This is a love song to you.  You walk on waves.  You run with clouds.  You paint the sky for me to see.  Your Majesty.  Your Majesty is why I sing.”  Source
3-12-08

Can I just say I fell in love w/God all over again 2night?  I’ve put this world before God & now that’s changing.  It’s so strange how the world can creep up on you like that.  Through all this, I’m once again certain He’s what I want. 

I’m coming His way.  Consumed in this world,  lost in pointless drama.  Taken over my lies & tortured by evil – He’s been here. 

This feeling is so beyond any words I could ever write.  I don’t wanna wake up and take this life4 granted.  A lot of the times we get so caught up in everything that we just… 4get it’s such a blessing to be here.    These past few months have been the hardest but they have drawn me closer2 God than I could ever imagine.  I think I’m energized2 keep moving on.  I thinks it’s all gonna be just fine.  These are the nights I live for, when I’m reunited w/ God.  He’s all I need.

“This World has nothing for me.”

I will strive to be better.
In Christ,
Heather Marie Lee

Dear Heather,

Once again.  Hold onto these feelings.  They come and go.  But ultimately you know they are the Truth.  You feel they are the Truth.  You cannot go on denying the existence of God when you recognize this particular feeling.  It invades your mind and your body and your soul.  The memory of this feeling is what keeps you going when everything seems to fall apart.  This will be a repetitive cycle in your life.  As it is in mine.

I love you.
Mom

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Heather's Journal #54. "Ecclesiastes 3:11"


54
“Ecclesiastes 3:11

He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the hearts of men:  Yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”

Oh where do I  begin?  Last night was crazy & I’m out of energy to explain…  but I”ve been under a spiritual battle for about a month now.  I’ve felt so close to Satan it was unbearable.  I told mom & dad the mental thoughts he had been shoving in my mind – it’s like he was sleeping with me.  So they prayed over me.  Tuesday night we are going to some church thing basically to see if I have any demons in me.  The same place they took my sister who was having similar problems. 

I’m scared of what it’s gonna be like - & if it will hurt.  I’m not even telling any of my friends about it because I don’t wanna freak them out. 

This has been a life-long battle I’ve been fighting.  I’m on God’s side but sometimes I just get so weak.  Every breath I take is for Him.  Nothing else matters to me.  I haven’t come all this way to give up for lack of energy2 finish this thing out – oh nuhuh. 

I’ve felt like giving up lately but God has strengthened me & has not left me.  Now I feel Him that close.  Putting up a shield guarding my heart.  There’s no one else I stand her2 live4 than my Lord God.  He’s here & I can feel Him.  I’ve falled apart but I’m not  broken.  I’ve been weak but I haven’t given up.  I’ve felt alone but my god has not left me or forsaken me. 

I will strive to be better,
In Christ
Heather Marie Lee

Dear Heather,

It sounds like a scene from a bad horror film.  It all seems so crazy. To talk about Satan and demons.  People could reasonably think we are crazy.  And sometimes we are.  But not because we believe that Satan is real and active in this world. 

Funny, but even people who believe in a god, or in the God, have trouble believing that he has an Enemy.  That Satan is real and living and active. 

Anyway, the place we are going is simply a church that has a ministry of people that have experience battling Satan and his demons.  They pray and cast out demons like Jesus did when he cast the demons out of the man and into a heard of pigs.  

Truthfully, it was the strangest place I have ever been.  I saw things in that room I didn’t think were possible. But the people that were praying were as calm as any people I have ever seen.  They didn’t yell or shout or scream.  They just spoke and prayed in whispered tone in groups of 3 or 4.  We had no idea what to do. They didn’t even want us to tell them why we went up to the circle for prayer.  They just seemed to know what to pray.

They must have been powerful, because their quiet words generated a lot of anger from the people they were praying over.  And some pretty grotesque things happened.

After that one night, your sister was much better.  We all were unsure what had happened, but we knew that it was happening in the spiritual realm.

Truthfully, I haven’t told very many people about that experience unless they needed to know because it sounds unreal – like a bad horror movie or something.  Even for me, it was surreal.  Not scary.  It just didn’t seem real.  So many people claim to be Christians but they either haven’t experienced or are not aware that what is happening to them is a spiritual battle between good and evil.  Telling everyone about it would just frighten them.  If you need this type of ministry, you probably know it.  Or someone close to you knows it.  And if you need it, it doesn’t seem so strange.  It seems like a relief to know that there are people who understand the torment and can help you through it.

Remember, God has already won the battle with Satan. 

I love you.
Mom

Heather's Journal #53. No Title. 3-6-08. Heather contemplates suicide ... again.


53
No Title
3-6-08
Yea, well life’s exactly what I expected.  I naturally want this world to a certain extent.  But when I’m in God’s presence, I know that’s truly what I long for.  The more I experience of this world the more temporary and half satisfying it becomes.  I get this feeling that is driving me to suicide. 

As much as I don’t want2 to the more the thought lingers.  The more I can imagine myself doing it.  I know Satan is feeding me lies & I’m feasting on them like a starved animal. It’s scaring me.  I feel if I screw up again, giving up will be my only escape.

As much as I’ve become, this thought has been torturing me lately.  What will I do when it all comes crashing down again?  When it doesn’t go my way & I’m back at the beginning?  I’m sick of the same conclusions & thinking I’m okay.  Thinking it won’t happen again.

I don’t know what to do?  I wish I could just be okay.  Everything’s the same here.  I try.  I fail.  I try.  I fail.  I’ll never be able2 live up2 the goals I’ve set4 myself. 

I want2 advance, I’m sick of just wishing I could.  I can’t bear the thought of leaving everyone I love & causing overwhelming heartache, but I don’t feel I’m strong enough.  I can’t believe I’m actually allowing this thought in my mind but its years that have been haunting me.  Oh God, I need your strength.  I’m not gonna allow Satan2 control my thoughts.

I will strive to be better.
In Christ,
Heather Marie Lee 

Dear Heather,

This is the first time in a really long time that you’ve talked about suicide at this level.  It sounds like the thoughts are consuming you again.  You said you have imagined doing it – which is an important change in your feelings.  Don’t ignore that feeling.  We have to address it because you are escalating your thoughts of suicide.

The really important question is whether you have thought about how you would kill yourself.  Once you start thinking that way it is a huge warning sign – so please please tell me or someone else. You can talk to me or dad or one of your sisters, or Renee.  You can even call the crisis hotline and talk to one of their trained counselors. And we can always go back to therapy.

Sometimes, medicine helps.  Sometimes a counselor can help.  Sometimes, just talking it through can help you.  Prayer always helps - especially if you feel like these thoughts are being pushed at you from the bad guy downstairs. 

Your logical mind and your heart knows suicide is a bad idea – but your feelings are being manipulated.  And it all relates back to how you feel about yourself.  Satan is able to control you because you have a weak spot – you hate making mistakes.  You hate getting into trouble.  You are afraid we won’t love you if you make a mistake. 

All of which is a big fat lie.  But a lie that you are willing to believe because you want to be perfect.  You want all of your sorrow to go away. 

I have been thinking this for months, but haven’t written it down since the very beginning of our letters. I notice that you are still signing your letters with “I will strive to be better.”  Do you remember last year when we talked about how impossible it is to be perfect?  How striving is not really useful because Jesus’ death on the cross already paid the price?  How you aren’t striving to get into Heaven – you are striving to make life on earth a little more peaceful?

Anyway, all these ideas are related to what you are dealing with now.  You are still feeling like a failure because you “strive” and you don’t succeed at staying out of trouble.  No matter how much you strive, you are still going to sin.  You are still going to make mistakes.  You can’t do it all alone.

And you are still loved and wanted by God.  By us.  By your friends and family.  Even when you screw up.  A lot. 

But Satan wants you to believe that your mistakes aren’t fixable.  That your mistakes show everyone that you are a failure.  Those are lies and that is what is killing you.  

Praying is your answer.  I will pray too.

I love you.
I want you.
I will keep you.
Mom