Heather's Journal #96."You turned my wailing into dancing ....." 8-6-08

96

Psalm 30:11.  “You turned my wailing into dancing:  You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you & not be silent.”

8-6-08

I believe that I picture God as a man on a gold throne I look up to somewhere above in heaven.  Through the clouds, past the stars and beyond the universe… well tonight God showed me that He’s more of a dad who walks beside me everyday and I fall asleep in His lap. 

For so long I’ve just seen him as a distant God… even when he’s so close.  And He’s always been so close. It has just been my choice whether to hold his hand some days as he walks beside me or not.  I’ve relearned just basic lessons over the summer and it feels like it’s as if it’s my 1^st time to learn them.  Like how guys can’t truly make me happy, how I can’t be the one in control, how God is not meant to be distant.  God’s showing it all to me like it’s new when I’ve heard this stuff a million times before. 

I found love.  And I’ve found happiness.  My author of Salvation is my first love…

i will love you.

In Christ,

My father,

Heather Lee

Dear Lord,

You have been faithful.  You have opened her eyes even more.  You have held her heart in yours – softly stroking it to keep her heart beating for You.  She needs that every moment of every day.  Speak to her in ways that her heart can hear.  Satisfy her physical need so that she does not need to look elsewhere for happiness. 

She knows where to find you.  But she cannot sustain it.  She tries to fight the battle alone – and she cannot win alone.  She needs You.  Show her that as many times as she needs it. 

I ask the same for me. 

I love you.

Heather’s Mom

Heather's Journal #95. "I don't understand your ways. ...." August 5, 2008

95

“I don’t understand your ways.  Oh but I will give you my song.   You hold onto all my pain and with it you are pulling me closer, pulling me into your  ways.  Its’ gunna be worth it.  It’s gunna be worth it all.”

August 5, 2008

We promised we’d always be friends, we promised we’d never sneak out, we promised we’d never forget, we promised we’d love each other forever, we promised we’d meet face to face some day again… I never understood growing up and what it meant.  I never realized that friendships would end until I found myself looking back…

I’ve always been scared to say goodbye, but now that I’m older I think goodbye means forgetting… I’ll never forget the many relationships I’ve had but that won’t keep me from moving on…. it makes me mad now that I do… lol. But I wanna see the new things Gad has in store4 me, I can’t wait to find out.

I’ve been praying for wisdom.  I’m so anxious to get closer to the Lord, it’s all I find myself thinking about.  I looove2 be happy.  I’m not happy when I’m makin out with some guy who swears to me he loves me… I’m not happy when I live life according to my way… I’m happiest when God is my focus. 

So much I wanna learn…

i will love Him.

In Christ,

Heather Marie Lee

Lord,

Please help her keep her eyes and heart open.  And mine too.  She’s not the only one who loses sight of You and Your promises at times.

I love you.

Heather’s Mom

Heather's Journal #94. "I wake because of You." 8-1-08

 94

I wake because of You.

8-1-08

I’m finally out of time… out of control and out of power.  I’ve forgotten how good it feels to let go and allow God to take the burden.  He gave me this vision of his Son on the cross… this time His face was almost crying saying, come. 

I keep thinking that I don’t deserve to have an escape from my sins… that God might not love me the same or He might see me differently if I give it all to Him. 

How little I understand, right?  I surrendered to Him and He still loves me.  I feel like God has expressed his beauty to me in a lot of different ways lately but now I wanna see his Mass… I want him to open my eyes & reveal to me just how big he really is.  I pray that I wil stand in awe of the Lord struck by Him and see a glimpse of Him, just enough to make me fear God. 

I want to be closer to Him…  I want to be left speechless.

i will love you.

In Christ,

Heather Marie Lee

“You are my grace.

You are my comforter.

You are my Strength.

You are my smile.

You are my light.

You are my sound.

You are my hope.

You are my refuge.

You are my escape.

You are my father.

You are my heart.

You are my love.

You are my all.

Dear Heather,

I am so happy your eyes have been opened again.

I love you.

Mom

Heather's Journal #93. "Love Song after love song." 7-29-08

93

“Love Song after love song.”

7-29-08

And I’m free from the chains that have been holding me down… I’ve been seeking happiness by pursuing guys… ya know the typical Heather thing2 do… I didn’t crash & burn though.  I got out b4 that happened.

I just wanted to be beautiful to someone so bad… I was willing to turn my back against God to find that.  I was longing for that physical attraction.  Well, I got it.  And it made me happy for a little bit but I was left still feeling empty. 

I’m exhausted from running away.   I knew this would happen too.  I guess I just had a burst of energy and needed 2 see how far that would take me. 

I’m ready to say goodbye to all of this.  Don’t get me wrong.  This summer has been amazing but I’ve been so far from God.  I miss talking to Him every day.  I’m ready to get back to my life. 

I wanna look at God.  My head has been turned away far too long.  Ya know what, it seemed a whole lot better than it really was.  I’ll remember the next time. 

I wish I could explicitly write down everything that happened but I’ll save that story to tell verbally some other time. 

i will love you.

In Christ,

Heather Marie Lee

~ I wish the next guy I fall for is meant to be for forever.  I’ll cross my fingers.

Dear God,

Thank you for answering my prayer. 

I love you.

Mom

Heather's Journal #92. "And they say, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah. ...." 7-27-08

92

“And they say, ‘Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah.  They give us truth deceiving.

  I don’t think that’s truth at all.’”

7-27-08

These late crazy summer nights when I’m 16, I will never ever forget.  Full of smiles, squealing, friendship that never dies and love that never wants to hear the words goodbye.  I feel like I’m supposed to be falling apart but I’m not because I won’t allow anything to get to me. 

I feel like a flower blowing in the wind… something that supposed to be alive and beautiful but hasn’t quite found their place just yet.

I’m living in the bittersweet summer that will eventually bring pain and turn into only a memory.  I never wanna let go, I never wanna move on.  I’m not gunna lie anymore, I’m broken.  I’m fragile.  I’m just trying to get by.

I’m hoping all these summer memories is what’s keeping me goin… all the laughter, all nighters, all the hugs and all the kisses…. every i love you and every skip of a beat from my heart will hold me together.

I should be going to God to hold me together but I can’t look at Him now… I don’t know why I won’t let go and allow Him to be in control because I know I want to… I hope He forgives me and I hope He knows I haven’t forgotten my King, the love of my heart, my God.

i will love you.

In Christ

Heather Marie Lee

“And the say Blah.  Blah.  Blah.  Blah.  They give us love that’s leaving.  I don’t think that’s love.”

“Shades of Pink”

Dear Heather,

What can a mother say?  You know what you need to do.  But at the very core of your being you still cannot Trust.  Not even God.  So you substitute fleeting emotions for true inner peace and hope that laughter and squealing and friendships and love that doesn’t want to say goodbye will sustain you. 

The funny thing is – all of those emotions are great.  Perfect.  Fun.  Expected.  Even desired.  But not as a shield or a wall to separate you from dealing with your issues.  Not when you use them as a weapon to ward off a relationship with God. 

Do you understand that you can have BOTH. Examine yourself.  I do not know the answers sweetheart. Other than prayer. I do not know how to make your heart Trust.  I do not know how to break down the stone walls with barbs and wire that pierce and push away God and people that love you.  But I know that is the problem. 

I love you.

Mom

Dear God,

Tear down the walls.  Open her heart to Trust.  You are unchanging.  Fill the spaces left void from her past.  Answer the questions of her heart.  Help me help her.  Show me the way to be her mother.  Guide me – minute by minute  if necessary – and show me how to  represent You to her.  We need you Lord.

I love you.

Heather’s Mom

Heather's Journal #91. "The pounding of my heart beats just right. ...." No Date.

91

“The pounding of my heart beats just right.

Alive and healthy I stand in silence under these late summer skies.

What can I do to meet you here.

Have you flood my heart.

And wash my mind setting it clear.

Be the blood that runs against my bones.

Listen with me in beauty

Like the best symphony ever composed.

Break my heart if it gets me closer to you

Leave me with nothing

If that would help me stay faithful and true.”

I’ve got a secret that’s eating at my flesh.  That’s running through my veins and soaking into my bones.  Is this what Christianity’s about?  Getting close to God one month and then falling from Him the next?  Will it always be a constant circle?  Am I always gonna be bound to come crashing on the floor to my knees in tears begging God to forgive me?  Not because I’m simply not perfect, but because I chose to go my way instead of His?  Why can’t I find strength to stay the way I believe is right?  Just let me seek happiness… let me find love.

I will love you.

In Christ

Heather Marie Lee

Dear Heather,

In God’s perfect plan,  we are not forced to endure the constant circle of running to and from God in constant motion.  On the contrary, he offers us peace and assurance. But what God offers us and what we take advantage of are quite different. 

It’s that spiritual battle again.  And our internal battle between flesh and spirit.   When we can fully submit ourselves to God’s will – we have nothing to fear.  There is nothing to concern us.  Nothing to bother us.  You write of that feeling quite often.  It is when you write that you are most happy.

But what you are describing now is the rebellion we talked about earlier.  When you intentionally choose to go against God and you really love Him, then you will feel the pain of your disobedience.  As long as you keep choosing your way – you will not avoid the pain. 

You must submit - as fully and completely as you can – to God.  You have to trust Him.  Only then is it possible to stop the constant ups and downs.  Even for me, the ups and downs continue – the ups last longer partially because I don’t get discouraged to the point that I want to give up.  I accept the downs as part of the process and move on. 

The words “let me seek happiness…let me find love” stand out to me.  Are you sure those should really be your goals?    If you seek happiness and love as your goal, it might feel good for the moment, but it is usually short-lived.  But ultimately, you will find yourself back on your knees begging for forgiveness, because your heart isn't really happy unless you are doing what you know to be right. 

I suggest that you pursue what is right in your heart.  If you do that, happiness and love will find you. 

The problem with simply seeking happiness, it that you are willing to try anything to achieve it – and that leads you down broken paths to a deadend.

I see this in competition.  If winning is your only goal, then you will do whatever it takes.  Even if it means cheating, or lying, or hurting others.  And you CAN win that way.  But if you have any morals or values that are inconsistent with that need to win, the win can seem empty.

So, in every decision you make – ask yourself – am I doing what I know in my heart to be right.  If you do that – you will ultimately be happy no matter the outcome.

I love you.

Mom

Heather's Journal #90. "Psalm 73:25-26. ...." 7-21-08

90

“Psalm 73:25-26.  “Whom have I in heaven but you?  And each has nothing I desire besides you.  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever!”

7-21-08

“My flesh & my heart might fail but God is the strength of my heart…”  My flesh has definitely been boss… even when my soul begs it not to be.  It’s kind of hard to believe because I still somehow can manage to smile… but everything that could go wrong has.  Okay, it always could be worse but I’m just sayin it’s been pretty wild lately.  I’m bouncing back from one extreme to the other constantly.  So, all I end up doing is saying whatever & walk away w/ a smile.  I honestly believe I’m happier this way. 

Am I wrong?  I guess we’ll find out one day…

I will love you.

In Christ,

Heather Marie Lee

Dear Heather,

I’m a little confused.  If you are saying that you are better when you just walk away from God and say, "Whatever!" to him, then you are being trapped by a Lie. 

I can't imagine that you are thinking that you are better off being miserable and pretending like everything is fine.  That doesn’t make sense. 

In my view, the truth is that we all experience highs and lows .  You can choose to accept that as part of the journey without letting it discourage you.  If you choose not to be discouraged, then you can focus on the future – which is the only thing that you can change.

I love you.

Mom

Heather's Journal #89. "Matthew 26.41. Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. ...." 7-16-08

89

“Matthew 26:41.  “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation.

 The spirit is willing but the body is weak.”

7-16-08

Competing with the world for a heart pure for God has become my biggest game.  How can I possibly grow into a woman who passionately loves the Lord when everyday the world has a head start at winning – shoving everything my body can’t resist into my eyes and my head.  I’m praying for  strength to look past it all and I feel it working but I have to keep it up going back to God frequently when I feel I’ve run out.  I can scream for the temptation to leave but the only thing that works is coming to God.  Why has it taken me so long to come that conclusion?  I want to grow into a Godly woman I’m proud of.  God is preparing the way…

I will love you.

In Christ,            

Heather Marie Lee

Dear Heather,

Satan has already lost the war.  God has won.  But Satan will keep trying.  Don’t let him have any space in your life. Order him to leave.  Again and again if necessary.

I love you.

Mom