Note: The summer prior to this entry we had taken Heather to visit her birth family for the third time since adopting her. At this age, she still couldn't find the answers and closure she so desperately wanted.
6
(No Title)
October 6, 2007
Hellerrr
there. Guess what! 2day I haven’t
done anything wrong yet. … :cough: lol joke... I plan 2 keep it that way. Since it’s 6:06
p.m. I haven’t got much of the day left anyways. But it does only take a second for that
2 change. Today was MGK’s 16th
B’day. It was soooo much fun. This lady spoke there and she gave this
really cool analogy about your life is a dresser and how you need 2 give
everything you have in that dresser 2 the Lord. It was a really easy way 2 look @ it.
I’ve
given my life 2 God, it’s the best thing I ever could have done, but I’ve been
caught up with the world lately.
I’ve turned my back on Him w/out even noticing until recently. I don’t feel like God’s listening 2 my
prayers though. I pray that He’ll
strengthen me in every aspect but all I can feel is weaker and weaker by the
second -- cutting, which never should have happened. But I don’t have a way out. I don’t understand why I even want to do it. I just know it makes
me feel better when I do.
I made
it through the party and soccer w/out getting caught for my arm. It looks worse then it really is
though. Emily saw it, which it was
good it was her instead of someone else.
She’s worried about me... I could tell when we talked about it. I don’t want her to be worried that I’m
going 2 kill myself because that’s not my intention. Although I wanna die sometimes I don’t wanna kill
myself.
Emily understands me, she’s my best friend and I can trust her. After this whole mess… Its hard 2 tell
who I can trust but her, she’s definitely one I can. And its not like she’s a bad person cuz she keeps my secrets
a secret. It’s that she give me
advice (good kind) but she doesn’t pressure me. She makes sure I’m okay and she’s there for me. That’s the kind of friend I need. She can tell when something’s wrong and
she has a way of just laughing about things.
I’m so
fed up with being emotional about everything but she’s the kind of chick who
just shakes things off. I used to
be soooo tough when I was little but after I’ve gotten older that part of me
has disappeared. When I’m with
Emily, she seems strong. And she
can bring out the tough part of me.
She offered me something, Idk if I’m going to take it or not but it
gives me a way out … and its looking really really good right now.
I’m
praying … for a miracle. I don’t
know what else to do, or where to turn.
I’m so desperate for God but I feel so hopeless and empty. I’m hoping
one day I’ll go back and read all these depressing notes I wrote and
laugh. I’ll probably never really
remember how much pain I feel inside even though it seems impossible to forget,
I hope time will make me forget it.
All
this pain I feel comes from my past, what I’ve done, and everything I’m trying
really hard not to regret. I never
regret …. Just a lesson learned … that’s a way to look at it. I need motivation. I go 2 mom for help but only get sent
away feeling like crap. I’m taking
it one day at a time. All this
makes me so frustrated because I’m never the one to get all tied up in this
stuff. Never the one to be sad or
depressed. I always want to have
fun….but look where it got me.
I
regret Dan…. Everything about him.
Yesterday it was exactly a yr since he came up to me at homecoming last
yr. All I can do is sit back and
wonder how all this can be used for good.
What if I never went to homecoming last yr? what if Cody had been there so maybe I would never have met
Danny? I wish there was something
put in the way … so that he never happened. But the fact is that Danny did happen. And there is nothing I can do about it
now except to move on. *sigh* I wish I would have listened to everyone about
him. I just didn’t feel like I had
a choice… and I can’t figure out why for the life of me.
Well
today is a wonderful Saturday; I’ve got to get some work done for dad. (I love him so much because he’s so
amazing) *smiles * ya know … I've had so much grief over my birth family. I don’t feel like I fit in most places,
which is weird. I’m known to be
cute, get along w/ most any1, always smiling or laughing but yet I feel like
some kind of outsider. I guess we
all do at some point. But it tore
me apart when I went back to Ohio and it felt like I didn’t even fit in with my
real family. The place I was
always positive I would. I
remember trying to hold in my tears and look like everything was fine Until I
got in the car to leave, that’s when it hit me that I would never feel that
bond of a real family again. That
it was all in my head from years ago.
But
dad, he’s the kind of dad that I love.
I wish he knew. Maybe one
day I can tell him just thinking about it. Through all these yrs, he’s been a dad to me.
My
birth dad …. Sadly was only my “father.” I love him still, as I will always but
maybe I should leave him in my memories. It hurts so bad. And I hate that any other person has to
feel this way. I called my dad,
left my number, and maybe he’ll call back…. I doubt it. But if he doesn’t… I think I’m going to
leave it as that … and move on with my life. I can’t still be stuck on someone ... that’s only in my
past. I’ve been struggling to make
him part of my future but …. Maybe… maybe I just don’t have to. Maybe I shouldn’t. Idk… I’ll pray about it.
*I will
strive to be better
In
Christ,
Heather
Lee
Dear Heather,
Do you realize
that you answer your own questions?
You said you gave your life up to God, but you turned your back on Him
without noticing. Yet you don’t
understand why He isn’t listening to you and why you can’t hear His
answer. Do you think that there is
any connection between turning your back on Him and not communicating with Him
very well?
Remember what I said a few days ago….
Cutting. Lying.
Alcohol. Promiscuity. Pretending to be someone or something
that you are not. And all the
other self-proclaimed “bad things” you do. Those aren’t the problem. They look like the problem because even non-Christians
tend to believe that these aren’t great things to do. But the truth is that none of these things are actually the
problem. Rather, they are the
symptom of the real problem.
Something inside
you. Some belief. Some lie. Some misconception.
Some pain. Some
memory. Something is causing you
to do “bad things.” And no one
does anything (for very long) if he or she doesn’t get some benefit or pleasure
from the conduct – at least for a moment.
The real question is Why?
Why do you
Cut? Why do you Drink? Why do you
Lie? Why do you give yourself to the first guy – or any guy - that tells you
that you are beautiful or that he loves you?
When you can
better understand why you do these things. Why you are willing to sacrifice
long-term satisfaction for short-term thrills. When you can deal with what I call the root problem – then
you will stop (or at least significantly slow down) doing the things that you
do that you do not want to do!
Much of the world
will try to sell you a fix to the problem. Stop drinking in 12 steps. Save your relationship in 10 easy
steps. Lose weight with one little pill. Feel beautiful with these new
clothes. Keep up with the Joneses
and buy that 50-inch plasma television in only 100 easy payments even if you
have no job. Give her diamonds to
tell her she’s special.
The reality is
that if you focus on the symptom and simply try to stop. Stop drinking. Stop lying. Stop cutting. Stop giving your body to boys. Stop
trying to be someone else. If you focus on the result and not the underlying
cause, you are likely to find only a short-term solution. You will continue to find
yourself drawn to these actions.
Or you will substitute these results with other quick fixes. Like Drugs. Anorexia.
Depression. The list is endless.
So, until you
deal with what is causing you to do these things – you will never find a
permanent solution. You will
continue to be disappointed in yourself and you will continue to get on your
knees to apologize to God for being so weak.
It might be a
good idea to start answering the question why? Make it your new favorite word. Think about why.
Pray about why. Wonder
about why. Experiment with the why
and then you can begin to figure out HOW.
How to stop
cutting. How to stop
drinking. How to stop lying. How to be pure. How to be yourself. I promise the How will be much easier
after you address the why.
I love you.
Mom
P.S. I’m really
curious. What did Emily give you to
take that seems so appealing? Isn’t the whole point to uncover the pain and get
through it – not continue to suck it all up and ignore it? You clearly admire that part of your
childhood when you felt nothing – including pain. You simply ignored it – but it only worked for that
moment.
What you actually
did was shove the pain down deep inside so that you didn’t have to face it at
the moment. But as you got older
you had stored so much hurt inside that it didn’t have any choice but to
escape. Kind of like the Diet Dr.
Pepper that I put in the freezer this morning to chill and promptly forgot.
When I opened it – it exploded and all I could do was try to screw the cap back
on as fast as I could. But a bunch
still escaped and made a big mess all over the kitchen that I had to deal with.
Forgetting (accidentally or on purpose) only leads to much bigger problems!
Your emotional
outbursts are your little Diet Dr. Pepper explosions. And when they erupt -- you have to clean up the mess. You have to with deal the problem. The alternative is to try to scoop the
liquid off the ceiling and floor and counter and pour it back into the
bottle. But all it does is just
contaminate the rest of the drink and it will come out again in the next
explosion – a little dirtier and messier. Yuck!
P.S.S. Aren’t you glad you have dad in your
life to balance me out! You are
blessed to have two very different parents that love you in different
ways. I like him too. He is sweet!
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