Heather's Journal #24. "He Had Me" 11-13-07

24

“He Had Me”

11-13-07

What does the world expect of me? I’m so confused.  Guys 4 me… r so far beyond out right now.  I hate every single one of them.  They’re sick & they deserve no respect from me.  All this world wants is sex.  It’s haunting our souls from the very minute our eyes open 2 start another day.  Then you have the super sicko’s who dream about it or staying up all night doing it.  Either way, the world wins.  I can’t imagine ever getting married @ this rate.

My guy doesn’t even exist.  Am I just so broken I’m too afraid 2 admit it?

 

Brad – gah – I thought 4 two whole yrs he was the guy I’ve always imagined loving.  Now I have proof he doesn’t love me & heck, he never has. 

Everything w/ him was so amazing & then the day finally came when I said good-bye. 

But now he says he misses me – well I don’t care.  I’m tired of playing this stupid game that never ends.  No.  Wait.  I’m not tired – I just don’t want to.  I’m happy with God fulfilling my heart & not me giving my heart 2 some guy instead.  Gosh.

This weekend I’m off 2 church camp (Refuge) & I couldn’t be more excited.

I will strive 2 be better.

Heather Lee

Dear Heather,

Guys.  Why does it seem like so many girls feel like they need to have a guy to be likeable, or beautiful, or valuable? You are 15.  You can certainly live without guys at this point in your life – but the world tells you that you aren’t complete without a relationship.  Ugggh!

As for guys, I think it is important for you to recognize that your current views on guys (especially the sex part) is influenced by what you recently learned about your father.  Whether it’s true or not that he was your abuser, as long as you think he was, it will impact your view of men in general.  

My guess is that you feel that the only man you ever really trusted, betrayed you.  That can’t help but affect how you feel about all guys right now.


All I’m saying is that you will need to be conscience of the fact that your view of ALL guys is impacted by your experience with ONE.  As you get older, you will need to judge each guy on his own merits, being cautious but not fearful, but giving him a fair chance.  Listening to the judgment of those who love you most is also a wise move. Sometimes your own judgment is clouded.

As for love, you aren’t the only one who thinks about it. I was reading Blue Like Jazz again the other day.  It’s a really great book.  I like it because the author, Don Miller, shares my ideas about living life as a Christian.  He doesn’t talk about being a go-to-church-on-Sunday Christian.  He doesn’t talk about being perfect all the time.  He doesn’t talk like a right-wing conservative who makes signs in big handwritten letters proclaiming “All gays are going to Hell” -- as if these self-proclaimed "Men of God" have a secret window into the heart of all men.  Hypocrits who call themselves Believers.

But I’m off on a tangent ...AND it just occurred to me that I am being judgmental just like I’m claiming of them!  Crap. It is so hard to avoid.  Okay God, please help these Believers see the damage they inflict on You when they take on Your job, just like you just helped me see that I was judging them and thus being hypocritical too.  Amen. 

Back to Don Miller.... He believes in being authentic and real.  He believes in expressing his faults and your doubts.  He is a writer and a thinker like us -- only he is published so I guess he is good at his job! :-)  Anyway, I guess I relate to him therefore I like him.

Don writes about love as a 30-somethingish man.  His thoughts sound a lot like yours.  He said,

“I was in love once.  I think love is a bit of heaven.  When I was in love I thought about that girl so much I felt like I was going to die and it was beautiful, and she loved me too, or at least she said she did, and we were not about ourselves, we were about each other, and that is what I mean when I say being in love is a bit of heaven.  When I was in love I hardly thought about myself; I thought of her and how beautiful she looked and whether or not she was cold and how I could make her laugh.  It was wonderful because I forgot my problems.  I owned her problems instead, and her problems seemed romantic and beautiful.  When I was in love there was somebody in the world who was important to me, and that, given all that happened at the fall of man, is a miracle, like something God forgot to curse.”  (p. 152)

I think Don is right.  When we are in love we take the focus off of ourselves and our own problems.  Someone else is more important than we are.  And that allows us to push our problems aside.  And for a person who would prefer to ignore their issues, love is a nice solution.  But using love as a way to avoid is temporary.  Very temporary.

Because one of two things happen after the temporary.  Either the love ends, in which case at least one person is usually heartbroken.  And then your own problems become the focus once again.

Or love eventually turns into relationship (and I don’t mean the Facebook kind).  And relationships involve the interaction of two people’s needs.  At some point, the romance of love will subside and and the Diet Dr. Pepper explosion will happen again.  You will not be able to permanently avoid facing your own issues.

As for simple boyfriends, we have talked about this before.  The only difference between a boyfriend and a boy friend is the nature of the physical contact.  Boyfriends in our culture tend to expect to own a piece of your body – if not the whole thing.  On the other hand, boy friends can be your closest, most intimate friends, but instead of owning a piece of you – they are more likely to be your best protector. 

I encourage you to have lots of boy friends.  It is a great way to practice relationships without the pressure of the physical relationship – which just gets in the way.  It’s a great way to learn how boys think.  It’s a great way to feel cherished by someone of the opposite sex. It’s a great way to have fun.  But keep it all in perspective.

Physical touch is just plain confusing.  For girls, it can feel good to have a boy hold your hand or kiss you or caress you – but without the emotional connection – you end up feeling used and dirty. And it impacts your future relationships with any person.  You lose your sense of trust.  


And since the majority of relationships at your age are very short – you can have a lot of feel good moments, followed by a lifetime of feeling used and dirty.  Just think about it.  I know that you already understand what I’m talking about.

As for Brad– have you thought about the concept of long-distance relationships at your age (or any age for that matter)?  Can you see yet where your thoughts didn’t match up with reality?  I’m glad you are thinking about what went wrong with that relationship.

I love you.

Mom