Heather's Journal #86. "Don't Stop. Don't Change. Stay Beautiful...." 7-06-08

86

“Don’t stop.  Don’t change.  Stay beautiful. One life, today.  You’re irresistible.”

7-6-08

I can’t sleep so I crawled outa bed to write what’s on my mind…

Everyone has a story.  There’s a reason for every action, every mistake, every good deed, every moment.  All the people that I don’t agree with or that I accidentally look down on, they all have their reasons.  I think we all sometimes forget that.  I’ve been more observant of everyone and I wanna hear their stories.  Why they are the way they are…

I will strive to be better.

In Christ,

Heather Marie Lee

           

Dear Heather,

Such good words. Thanks.  I need that reminder too. 

I love you.

Mom

Heather's Letter #85. No Title. No Date.

85

No Title

No Date

  

Dying has never looked so appealing to me before.  My mind has never been so confused before & my heart has never been so weak before.  Stitch my eyes shut, I do not deserve to see these beautiful colors.  All I’ve ever wanted was to feel loved.  Love has kissed me on the cheek & followed me for years but I can’t feel…my body is numb and hopelessly disconnected.

I said to myself, “I wanna be fearless again.”  But now I’ve never felt more afraid in my life. 

My biggest mistake was thinking it was over, that all this was dealt with.  I’ve just barely hit the surface my darling.  But I’m all of a sudden supposed to have the energy to stand up & fight when my heart is punctured & my destination is to only fall again?

 I miss the little girl I used to be.  I was safe… I cried no tears.  I was cold but I survived.  I want to be her again.  

I've gotten far too emotional and it's killing me.  How 'bout I screw my lips shut and crawl my way out of this mess?  How about I quit fooling myself and face the truth.

I can’t trust anyone and love will always be a fantasy.  For too long have I pretended and mastered this game.  Thinking I could trust anyone & loving everyone.  When I have no idea what it means to do either of those.

God.  My body is shaking.  I can feel my heart pounding.  My hands are cold & my eyes are filled w/ tears.  Please don’t give up on me.  All I need is you.

Dear Heather,

You are mixing the Truth with Lies and you are confused. The Lies can destroy you and leave you feeling hopeless instead of lost and hopeful. If I rewrote your letter and only spoke truth, I would edit it something like this…

“Dying has never looked so appealing to me before because I know that with you I will no longer struggle.  It feels as though my mind has never been so confused before & my heart has never been so weak before. Stitch my eyes shut, I do not deserve to see these beautiful colors.  All I’ve ever wanted was to feel loved.  Love has kissed me on the cheek & followed me for years but something is stopping me... I can’t feel…my body is numb and hopelessly disconnected.

I said to myself, “I wanna be fearless again.”  But now I’ve never felt more afraid in my life. 

My biggest mistake was thinking it was over, that all this was dealt with.  I’ve just barely hit the surface my Darling.  But I’m all of a sudden supposed to have the energy to stand up & fight when my heart is punctured & my destination is to only fall again?   I do not have the energy to stand up & fight alone. I need your help.

I miss the little girl I used to be.  I was safe… I cried no tears.  I was cold but I survived.  I want to be her again. I know that I have not been given a spirit of fear, but I am afraid. I want to feel safe again.

I can’t trust anyone and love will always be a fantasy.  How about I quit fooling myself and face the truth that my plan is not Your plan? 

It is hard to wait, but I trust that You will fulfill my longing for love.   For too long I have pretended and mastered this game.  Thinking I could trust anyone & loving everyone.  When I have no idea what it means to do either of those.

God.  My body is shaking.  I can feel my heart pounding.  My hands are cold & my eyes are filled w/ tears.  Please don’t give up on me.  All I need is You.”

I love You.

Mom

Heather's Journal #84. No Title. July 2, 2008

84

No Title

July 2, 2008

I’m getting tired of getting my prayers mixed up with my thoughts… I can hardly pay attention to myself think anymore…Oh God… where have I gone wrong… how have I buried my pain so far deep I haven’t even begin to understand how much I’m hurting.  I’m trying not to get caught up in drama… like the typical teenage girl who cries herself to sleep every night… because that’s soooo gay.  But instead of becoming numb to all my emotions.  What happened to things being real…?

Feeling something that was actually worth it.  I’ve strayed from you Lord… again.  The last time I came to you, I said the same thing… and the very next day I lost you again.  Why am I walking away?  I’m not meaning to hurt your feelings… because all I wanna do is stand hand in hand with you and prove to you I love you with all of my heart. But I’m not… and I’m sorry.  I’m sorry…. Seems like I say those words a lot. 

I’ve noticed that I’ve been going to guys a lot lately….for answers….for feelings that seem real… something to keep me content. 

I remember this road…how lonely I still felt when I reached the end.

God I’m desperate.  I’m so sorry.  I feel so weak and helpless right now.  Ya know… normally when a baby is born, when you have breathed life into its lungs, the beginning is a living miracle.  That baby sits there, innocent and precious beyond any human capacity to ever know … and it’s completely perfect. 

Until that baby gets older and is able to make mistakes of their own.  Well….I feel like the beginning was a mistake.  From day one, July 17, 1992, I have felt wrong.  I’ve always felt wrong even when I had the right not to. 

As I look back… as the memories dance once again in my head, I’m realizing that all of that wasn’t normal.  That every kid doesn’t do those things.  God I don’t want self pitty… I don’t want to ever feel bad for myself because you have taken me out of the Enemy’s jaws and rescued me. 

I’m not upset with you and I don’t ask “Oh, how could you ever allow such awful things to happen?”  Bad things happen to good people all the time.  That’s not the problem. 

For as long as I can remember I didn’t understand why I had to deal with my past.  Why should it effect me 9 yrs. later… I didn’t want to be the one who couldn’t hold herself up with her strength alone after all this time. 

God, I’m dying on the inside.  Please save me.  The problem lies within me.  Knowing it’s okay to be mad about it, to recognize little girls don’t grow up like that, is the beginning of the process… I see that now Lord… I see.

I pray that you lead me in this  process so I can rise up and be the woman you have planned for me.  I want to be the best I can be God. 

I wish the words I love you could mean so much more…. Words are all I have for now.  My life’s a love song to you and at the end of it, I want to know I have succeeded.  That I have conquered this life with your help from above.

I will strive to be better.

Dear Heather,

I know it doesn’t feel like success, but I can say with confidence that you are succeeding at this thing we call life far more than many kids your age.  Not because you are perfect, but because you are carefully examining your life.  Many people - me included – go through the teen years without any thought of whether we are following God’s plan for our lives.  I was a goody two shoes – so it didn’t feel like I was in desperate need of God.  Some of my friends were the exact opposite – troublemakers – but they were so absorbed in the thrill of the ride that they didn’t care what God thought.  As Wendell Berry said of one of his charcters in Jayber Crow.  “His faults, if he knew them, never laid heavy on his mind.” (p. 134)

I think that was true of both me and my friends.  I didn’t recognize my faults because I thought I was doing things pretty well.  My friends knew better, but that didn’t really bother their mind too much.

You are so much further along than I ever was at your age.  I think the fact that you know you need God is a really good thing.  You learn to depend on Him much faster than I ever did.  I don’t wish I had your difficuluties – but I wish I had your wisdom and your heart – even now.    I’m impressed by your perseverance.

You are doing a good job.   God knows your heart and that is what he cares about.  He knows the struggles you face.  He’s just waiting patiently.

I love you.

Mom

Heather's Journal #83. "Fall asleep with the windows open. ...." 6-30-07

Note:  I'm not sure if Heather got the year wrong or if she accidentally filed this in the wrong place.  But this is dated in 2007.


83

“Fall  asleep with the windows open.  Tell me everything wrong you’ve said or done.”

6-30-07

How many times shall I fail?  How many times can I be forgiven?  How many secrets will I hold onto?  How many lies will I whisper?  How many kisses will I offer?  How many people will I continue to please?  How many times will I keep sinning -- ripping me further apart from all the people I truly love?

I will strive to be better,

In Christ,

Heather Lee

Dear Heather,

As many times as it takes.  That is the answer.

I love you.

Mom

Heather's Journal #82. "So I pause and adore...." June 22, 2008

82

“So I pause and adore, I ?? in before you… in every way you’re beautiful.”

June 22, 2008

So through all these yrs. I come to find out there is no ending.  There’s no finish to this daily battle my past has eternally cursed me with.  I think my soul is desperately seeking an escape… to somehow drop what keeps coming up. 

Today, I went 2 Wendy’s, which was me and my Daddy’s favorite place2 eat… I was sitting there & the tears were begging to stream down, but I’m too strong now.  My heart won’t allow it.  I don’t care that it’s hard.  I don’t care that it hurts.  “I wanna run like there no pain in my side, all shadows left behind.”  SOURCE? 

I all of a sudden feel so fragile… I don’t understand why when I know I truly wanna stand strong.  Renee came over & talked to me for hrs. the other day, she brought up memories I’ve somehow pushed aside. 

Just by talking to her, I uncovered pain I was sure I was over.  She understood though, I told her some stuff Mom doesn’t even know about.  What am I gonna do?  How am I just gonna bring back all these feelings & try to somehow cope w/ them all over again? 

My own body has taken over to deal w/ this and now I’m just… so lost.  Why can’t I just… forget about it…?  Drop it?  But I don’t wanna spend the rest of my life trying2 forget… when I’m constantly reminded…

I will strive to be better

In Christ,

Heather Marie Lee

Dear Heather,

This is the first time in a very long time that you have attributed your feelings to your past.  Is that because your past hasn’t been at the forefront of your thoughts lately or because you just didn’t want to write about it? 

I encourage you to be fragile.  God works best when we are broken.  When we are weak we have no strength to do anything on our own and we must depend on Him.

Somehow, I think we just get in the way. 

I know it is hard, but I want you to work all the way to the end of the pain.  Imagine, if that is even possible, what it will feel like when what overwhelms you disappears. 

My heart breaks because it’s not like the words I write will suddenly make it all better.  I want it to be that way – but I can’t make it happen.

I love you.

Mom

Heather's Journal #81. "I haven't stopped falling in love..." 6-18-08

81

“I haven’t stopped falling in love, I’ll never stop falling.”

6-18-08

“Oh it’s gonna be worth it… You’re all I need Lord & I will lift my voice to you and sing, you’re going to be worth it, your gunna be worth it all.” 

I freeze in this world like an undiscovered ocean colder than life itself.  My desire for this world is increasing and I just pause and wait… I don’t really know what I’m waiting for… answers, strength, signs… I just don’t know. 

I guess I’m just too scared to make a decision to move because we all know how poor my decision-making is. 

So I just sit and wait… watch time pass.  I wanna get closer to God this summer but I’ve been focusing on what not to do and who not to talk to and I’ve lost the energy to move forward.  This summer, I've [already] lost myself again.  I found myself drowning in a sea of people.  I’ve worked so hard to build myself up & stay away from evil… it’s unbelievable how much faster you can just get hopelessly sucked back into it all. 

But this time around I have God’s word and love covering my heart.  When it gets cold and I feel lonely, I feel his love bleeding through me pumping my heart and invading my soul.  I never realize it until I’ve run away and lost sight of temptation.  That’s where I meet up with Him and I feel the warmth of his protection again. 

He is truly all I need and I cannot stand here and say I ever will find a love like this.  A love that’s so beyond not only any human words but a love beyond any human’s mind.  A love that brings me to my knees and tears on my fear because I can’t imagine ever living for anyone or anything but the Creator Himself. 

I’m so in love it’s beyond my capacity to ever describe.  Until you meet God & choose to live for Him no matter what, His love will never sweep you off you’re feet. 

I’m not saying I know it all & that I’m done here, that I’m finished and I’ve already fallen as far as I can in love with God.  But I am saying from what I do know, He’s completely worth it.  That He’s 100% forever worth it all… and I can’t wait to spend eternity with the Lord of my life, the reason I breathe.

I will strive to be better,

In Christ,

Heather Marie Lee

Dear Heather,

Wow.  I wish I felt the way you are feeling all the time.  It feels so good to be in love with Jesus.  It feels so good when everything seems so obvious and clear.  Do you get those butterflies in your stomach that you are always looking for?

Sometimes, life gets so routine I forget to be in love with Jesus – instead of just loving Him.  Come to think of it, I have the same trouble with your dad. :-) Guess I’m the one who needs a little work right now.

Lately, I've been struggling with the difference between being content with my relationship with Christ and being complacent.  

It all started when I was watching people during worship at church.  I love Shades Valley Community Church because people worship in such different ways.  Some people are in the back with their hands raised and eyes closed.  Others are sitting quietly in their chairs.  Some stand or sit and simply sing.  Others are literally dancing in the isles.  Some are on the floor with their face to the ground. Others are carrying flags.  It is beautiful.  In part because there is no pressure to conform.  We are encouraged to worship as we feel led.

Twenty years ago, this might have bothered me because even being in the presence of such diversity was unheard of for me.  I have been in many churches with a wide variety of worship styles and I see all of them in our church.

In spite of my personality, I'm  the quiet worship type. I stand. I sit.  I sing. I pray.  But I'm not big or dramatic.  I think a lot.  New ideas come to me.  New understandings.  I pray in short spurts.  Nothing long and drawn out for me.  I think it's my short attention span.

What I hope for is something different I think.  I heard this phrase today and it really stuck, "the prayer flows through me." That does happen, but not as often as I would like.

Nonetheless, I sometimes benefit from watching others who are so free and easy with their worship, even though I still don't feel the need to be physical with my worship.

Perhaps it's because I grew up Catholic and the worship is far different than what I experience in our evangelical church.  But it's more than than.  I think I'm self-conscious and always have been.  If I worship outwardly, I think my internal focus is on myself, not God. It seems counterproductive.

I'm the same way on the dance floor.  And with sports.  I just can't let myself go. Perhaps it has something to do with being the crybaby fat girl at school who was bullied.  (Fat in the late 60's and 70's meant I was about 5-8 pounds heavier than most of the other girls and I cried because I was bullied.) So, although I can speak confidently without fear to groups of all sizes, and I can jump into character and make a complete fool of myself as another person, as me, I don't like to draw much attention to myself.

So, watching others who seem so free and easy with their worship has me wondering what I'm missing.  Am I content with my relationship with Christ or am I just complacent because I'm too lazy or afraid?

Am I a Judas?  One who has every opportunity to be part of Christ and his life, but who is actually a selfish betrayer who is willing to walk away from Christ because my needs aren't being met the way I want?

I'm not sure I would have ever have made the connection between my question about contentment and complacency with Judas' betrayal without today's message at church.  Is this process of thinking and conviction part of my worship? We have now moved into a time of worship and I feel compelled to pick up my computer and type my thoughts.  I'm thinking and processing about my relationship with Christ. Is this worship?  Is this prayer?  Is this what it looks like?  

My spirit is willing because my spirit isn't all me, but my flesh is weak, because that is all mine to control.  I don't really have the answers, but I do know one thing.  I am both content and complacent.  I am content with what I already know.  But complacent when I don't actively seek to learn more.  

I have much more thinking and praying and questioning to do on this subject. But I will close here for now and talk more later. 

I love you.

Mom

Heather's Journal #80. "Gen. 4:7 ..." 6-11-08

80

“Gen 4:7 “If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? 

But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door,

it desires to have you, but you must master it.”

6-11-08

To sum it all up, I have the bestist friends in the entire world.  A lot has happened as always & I have such little time to explain.  Everyone seems2 be falling apart somehow including me.  Purity…. Such a broad term that seems to be the focus of my life.  It’s caving in on my again & I called Brad crying tonight.  He talked me through it telling me everything was gonna be just fine.  He told me to think this way, that I was God’s Bride to be & how He wants me untouched.  I’m not some tramp… I’m God’s bride & to hear him say that just hit me. 

I pray that God strengthens me & provides me w/ the care that I need.  I don’t wanna spend another sec. in another guys arms allowing him to think he has any part of me. 

Having a strong guy friend like Brad is exactly what I need.  I love Him, Always.

I will strive2 be better

In Christ,

Heather Lee

Dear Heather,

You are not alone in your struggle.  Our flesh desires to feel and touch and know.  Sometimes we sense that directly from God.  Sometimes, we get impatient and try to fill the needs ourselves.  But you are left feeling worthless and hopeless and ugly.  It never fulfills your real need.  Brad is an odd choice to go to for help – but the fact that he lives across the country makes him safer than most other choices. 

Be careful crying out to other guys about your guy troubles.  Men have a need to rescue and they tend to fall for the girl they are helping.  Just a little motherly warning – for life.

I love you.

Mom