Heather's Journal #16. "It's Never What It Seems..." October 21, 2007

16

“It’s never what it seems….”

October 21, 2007

I don’t know how to start this off because I’m still in shock. I’ve finally gone though my files from my adoption and stuff… I didn’t know what I was in for because I’ve discovered something I never imagined.  I found out that my father sexually abused me… I was told I might have been sexually abused but I never pointed any fingers at him.  Mom says they’re not for sure that it was him but I was in fact sexually abused, neglected and physically abused. Everything points to him and my mother though.  My father… was the one I called my daddy… and he was the one I felt who always loved me…. He was just unable to take care of me because of his circumstances.  Now I come to find out… it was him. (probably)  I can’t… Idk… I’m strong… but for some reason… it doesn’t hurt as much as it probably should. I think it’s easier for me to be able to put all this behind me and leave my past where it belongs. 

For all these years, I’ve tried to keep my father a part of my life and now… I don’t want anything to do with him.  I don’t think I’m mad at him… I’m just hurt.  But I don’t know what he went through when he was a kid… so I’m not going to hate him for it.  He is forgiven.  I forgive his mistakes but I hope this can build me up instead of put me down.  I keep remembering all the moments I had with him.

The time we went to that water park, how I worried so much about him when he ate more than 1 french fry at a time (I thought he would choke… lol) everything… its just all hitting me at once.  *sigh * I looked back and I seemed to be so strong on the outside.  But I was hurting more than anything on the inside.  Now I see and understand.

This is where I belong, and I’ve known that but now… I firmly believe.  What happened is done and it’s okay.  I’ve lived through the hardest parts and now it’s just a matter of moving on.  Which I know I am capable of.  I want to live for so much more than what is in my past.  I’m ready for what is to come and I will follow God with all my heart. 

I see God just completely loving me no matter what… He’s held me in His hands though every moment in my life.  He knew what would happen… and He knows what is to come.  Every time I felt alone… He was there guiding me through it.  It brings a smile to my face because He was there… and He cared.  Everything’s okay. I’ve overcome most of my problems and have gotten answers for the puzzle of my life. Even though this is still the beginning. That’s what still is so funny to me....

So much has happened but this still is just the start.  The beginning of my love story to Christ.  I’m so thankful for this opportunity God has provided for me.  I refuse to back down and let life overcome me now.  I will take everything God has offered and I will live every moment for Christ.  I’m falling more in love with Him than I can imagine and I know it will only grow stronger.  Growing up and living in my teenage years has been the hardest thing in the world for me. 

I’ve had many more surprises in my life than one could imagine but it’s alright.  I’ve seen more of the world from just my life than most will see in their lifetime.  But this is what God has given me and like I saidddd.. this is just the beginning of my adventure.  I’m so eager to see what God still has in store for me… and I’m finally… for the first time ever… content and happy.  With everything… My family… my life.. and to say the least… myself.  I’m actually going to bed… satisfied.  God’s been listening to me… and He’s completed my heart.  * Deeeeep  sigh*  Thank you is all I can manage to say at the moment but I promise to live my entire life for God.  Everything I can do here on earth will be for Him, just as a small thank you in return for what He’s blessed me with.

I will strive 2 be better.

In Christ

Heather Lee

Dear Heather,

You are strong because of your Savior. He loves you.  He cares.  He knows you hurt.  He will supply all of our needs. Lean not on your own understanding, but put all that you have into Him.

And what could be better than a love story to Christ? 

I love You.

Mom