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No Title
1-30-08
I tried to read between the lines, I tried 2 look in your eyes. I want a simple explanation for what I’m feeling inside. I gotta find out maybe there’s a way out. Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer do you know you’re unlike any other? You’ll always be my thunder. And I said you eyes are the brightest of all the colors and I don’t ever wanna love another. You’ll always be my thunder.” SOURCE?
As much as I can’t stand my family… those little cute moments make me realize just how much I couldn’t imagine living without my big fat familia. I had a breakdown and called Rag up crying my eyes out. It’s not even my time of the month but I’ve been stressed out w/school, my parents, my friends… everything and I’ve avoided the pain of it for much2 long now. So I totally lost it. I’m trying to keep everything together and hold my composure but it never takes long b4 life proves me wrong. I can’t explain what I need right now. Everything I want… turns out to be everything I can’t have. I want to go to school soooo badly but I think I’m getting pointed in the opposite direction. I’m holding on to what I want too tightly instead of letting God do what He needs to do… and it’s take a while for me to build up the courage to say that. Maybe He doesn’t want me to go to (public) highschool….even though that’s my dream right now. I’ve just gotta learn to deal w/ it because His plan is probably much better than mine… lol. My whole life I’ve been held on a tight leash and I just wonder when I’ll be let go. Living a teenage life being a Christian is the hardest most awesomest thing I could ever do – so I’m struggling 2day because I’m so overwhelmed w/ the family right now it’s killing me. Tacito wanted me to snuggle wih her in mom-n-dad’s bed 2night so I did. And she looked up n said “Heada, I luh u.” And she gave me a kiss. That made my day. What would I ever do w/out those precious moments. I’m so blessed.
I will strive 2 be better
In Christ
Heather Lee
Dear Heather,
So, the big fat familia is a pain in the petute, huh? Sorry. I wish it weren’t so. But if it makes you feel any better – most of us feel the same way at times. It has nothing to do with the fact that you are adopted. Almost everyone feels like the grass is always greener somewhere else. Every other family looks better than the one you’re in – at least sometimes. I have the same issue at times. Ya’ll really get on my nerves and having NO children seems like a good option. Something about living together 24/7 brings out the worst in all of us.
Ironically, it also brings out the best in us.
The truth is family stays together regardless and always has your back. You can see this when someone outside the family hurts or threatens any member of the family… . Suddenly, all those annoying family members are at your side – ready to protect and defend! The same thing happens if there is a crisis in the family – like someone getting seriously ill. When we are threatened with the loss of our family – we discover just how deeply committed we are to them.
It’s silly that we have to go to that length to recognize the value of our family – but we all seem to do it.
Marriage presents the same challenge. Dad and I get on each other’s nerves at times. But family sticks together no matter how bad it feels at the moment.
In the end, even if we are given the choice – most of us will choose the family we call our own – whether through birth or adoption or something else! I know that when you get annoyed with us – you allow yourself to think it might have been different if you were still with your birth family. The same thoughts occur to kids whose parents divorce. When they get angry with the parent they are living with – it’s easy to think living with the other parent would be better. But most of the time it isn’t true. It will just present a different set of issues or problems.
Humans are complicated and difficult to live with. But we don’t have much other choice. So we have to find a way to work it out.
Think about all your sisters… including the biological ones. Amster couldn’t wait to get away from our family and spend a week with another family – thinking it would be so much better. She came home and didn’t stop hugging me and telling me how much she loved me for weeks! Kat left for college ready to be independent – thinking that would make all the difference in her life. After one semester she was missing us more than she ever thought was possible and began to appreciate us in entirely new ways! Becca did the same thing when she left for school. So did Rubes. When Rubes had to move back in when she was 20, she started getting really annoyed again. But after she left the second time – she realized that all that frustration didn’t really mean much. Dee actually ran away from home as a teen – only to figure out that she had a really good thing at home.
Some of us do some dumb and/or dramatic things before we learn our lesson. I’m glad Tacito can remind you that we aren’t as bad as we seem at times. I love having babies around because they bring us back to reality real quick. Go Tacito!
As for letting God do what He needs to do with you… I’m really impressed that you finally have the courage to admit that you are holding back on God. And also the maturity to realize that His plan is better than yours. Trust Him and you will find all satisfication that is possible on earth. And remember, your enemy is the only one that is thrilled when you choose your way over God’s way because even HE KNOWS that you won’t be happy with the results in the long run.
I love you.
Mom
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