53
No Title
3-6-08
Yea,
well life’s exactly what I expected.
I naturally want this world to a certain extent. But when I’m in God’s presence, I know
that’s truly what I long for. The
more I experience of this world the more temporary and half satisfying it
becomes. I get this feeling that
is driving me to suicide.
As much
as I don’t want2 to the more the thought lingers. The more I can imagine myself doing it. I know Satan is feeding me lies &
I’m feasting on them like a starved animal. It’s scaring me. I feel if I screw up again, giving up
will be my only escape.
As much
as I’ve become, this thought has been torturing me lately. What will I do when it all comes
crashing down again? When it
doesn’t go my way & I’m back at the beginning? I’m sick of the same conclusions & thinking I’m
okay. Thinking it won’t happen
again.
I don’t
know what to do? I wish I could
just be okay. Everything’s the
same here. I try. I fail. I try. I
fail. I’ll never be able2 live up2
the goals I’ve set4 myself.
I want2
advance, I’m sick of just wishing I could. I can’t bear the thought of leaving everyone I love &
causing overwhelming heartache, but I don’t feel I’m strong enough. I can’t believe I’m actually allowing
this thought in my mind but its years that have been haunting me. Oh God, I need your strength. I’m not gonna allow Satan2 control my
thoughts.
I will
strive to be better.
In
Christ,
Heather
Marie Lee
Dear Heather,
This is the first
time in a really long time that you’ve talked about suicide at this level. It sounds like the thoughts are
consuming you again. You said you
have imagined doing it – which is an important change in your feelings. Don’t ignore that feeling. We have to address it because you are
escalating your thoughts of suicide.
The really
important question is whether you have thought about how you would kill
yourself. Once you start thinking
that way it is a huge warning sign – so please please tell me or someone else. You can talk to me or dad or one of your sisters, or Renee. You can even call the crisis hotline and talk to one of their trained counselors. And we can always go back to therapy.
Sometimes, medicine helps. Sometimes a counselor can help. Sometimes, just talking it through can help you. Prayer always helps - especially if you feel like these thoughts are being pushed
at you from the bad guy downstairs.
Your logical mind
and your heart knows suicide is a bad idea – but your feelings are being
manipulated. And it all relates
back to how you feel about yourself.
Satan is able to control you because you have a weak spot – you hate
making mistakes. You hate getting
into trouble. You are afraid we
won’t love you if you make a mistake.
All of which is a
big fat lie. But a lie that you
are willing to believe because you want to be perfect. You want all of your sorrow to go
away.
I have been
thinking this for months, but haven’t written it down since the very beginning
of our letters. I notice that you are still signing your letters with “I will
strive to be better.” Do you
remember last year when we talked about how impossible it is to be
perfect? How striving is not
really useful because Jesus’ death on the cross already paid the price? How you aren’t striving to get into
Heaven – you are striving to make life on earth a little more peaceful?
Anyway, all these
ideas are related to what you are dealing with now. You are still feeling like a failure because you “strive”
and you don’t succeed at staying out of trouble. No matter how much you strive, you are still going to sin. You are still going to make mistakes. You can’t do it all alone.
And you are still
loved and wanted by God. By
us. By your friends and
family. Even when you screw up. A lot.
But Satan wants
you to believe that your mistakes aren’t fixable. That your mistakes show everyone that you are a
failure. Those are lies and that
is what is killing you.
Praying is your
answer. I will pray too.
I love you.
I want you.
I will keep you.
Mom
