Heather's Journal #66. "Run, Biotch Run! He guna Kill you." 4/19/08

66

“Run, Biotch Run! He guna Kill you.”

4/18/08

I ‘ve been thinking and I wanted to dedicate this journal entry to my very best friend because I don’t think I’ve talked about her much in here.  Binky has been not only my foster sister but truly my very best friend.  She knows me backwards & forwards just like I know here.  There’s not one person in this world I wouldn’t die for, but Binky, I’d die twice for her. 

I look back and can’t help but to smile thinking-a-all the stupid things we’ve done together .  And it’s hard to believe we’ve never really gotten into a fight before.  I mean we have once or twice but that’s all, and it was over us not hangin out when we said we would. Lol. 

I love that girl.  I swear if we were any closer we’d be gay.  She’s the cheese to my macaroni.  I hope she stays here until we grow up and get places of our own because I can’t imagine her livin anywhere else other than 2 rooms away from mine.  Sometimes I think I forget how lucky I am to still have her here.  She’s the only person in the world who can make me smile.  Even if I get some surgery done on my face and it was medically proven that I couldn’t smile, I betcha I could if Binky said something dumb.  I just wanted to make sure she’s in here since she does mean so much to me.  Lol.  I love her w/ all my heart and more.  Binky, you’re my best friend, sister, super-hero, my #1 always. :-)

I will strive to be better.

In Christ,

Heather Lee

Dear Heather,

That beginning quote has to be from Binky or one of the Madea movies! She is so quick witted I sometimes laugh so hard I pee in my pants.  (I know.  TMI.  But true nonetheless.)  That's one of her gifts.

Did you notice that this is the second sister in just a few days that you have said you are glad is part of your life.  Once again.  I know God has us together for a reason.  It affirms everything we do as a family.  I’m grateful you have her perspective.  I dare say she offers a slightly different viewpoint than Kat or Bec!  And that is good. She has endured much and she understands some of your life better than most. 

I love you

Mom

Heather's Journal #65. "And I never wanna mis a sunselt." 4/16/08

65

“And I never wanna miss a sunset.”

4/16/08

I feel like writing but I don’t have much to say.  I’ll start off talking about how much I love summer. <3  Today was absolutely gorgeous, that’s what made me say, I never wanna miss a sunset.  I love the sunsets here.  It’s so beautimus.

Okay, so I haven’t liked anyone in a long time… lol.  Wicked Weird & so I’ve been praying that God will send me that special person.  As much as I hate guys… I miss those silly butterflies they give me.  I know I’ll have to wait but maybe it’ll teach me how to be patient.  *smiles * But I’m happy just how I am too.

I will strive2 be better.

In Christ,

Heather Lee

Dear Heather,

I woke up at 5 am this morning (dad was leaving on a trip) and I saw the sun rising over the mountains.  There were a layer of clouds softly blanketing the space between the valley and the peaks of the mountain off in the distance.  The sun crept up over the tip of the mountain, casting a pinkish orangeish light, which then turned to bright orange and then finally, the brightness was so bright it had no color. 

I often wonder why I don’t get up more often just to see the sun rise.  It is such strong evidence of God.  I get the same feeling watching nature around our house.  Everything works together perfectly.  Everything needs each other in some way.  Everything has a purpose – even the annoying things.  How can anybody look at this perfection and believe it was an accident?  A simple evolution of things to the right state.

I can’t believe it because it is not within my realm of experience.  I can’t find two people who can work together perfectly all the time.  I can’t find a small group that is in perfect symbiosis all the time.  I can’t find any group of people that agrees with every other person on everything and then each makes individual changes to suit the needs of the entire group.   

How can I possibly imagine that humans and animals and insects and plants and every other living being somehow managed to coordinate their evolution so well that they were able to evolve separately, but in a way that also maintained the perfect balance and interdependency that exists in nature right now?  I’m not very good with math – but I would say it is statistically impossible for the world and all living things to be what they are today by accident or group evolution.  I can’t even fathom the remote possibility. It simply doesn’t make sense by any standard of man.

Admittedly, the alternative view -- that this world and all living things were created by God – sounds equally impossible.  Unless you believe that God is something more than human and that he is not limited by our knowledge and abilities.  Anyway, at least for me, acknowledging that a Master was in charge of creation is much less crazy than believing that you can rationalize the existence of man.

I love you.

Mom

Heather's Journal #64. "There's always 5 min left...." 4/15/08

PLEASE NOTE:  Entries 58-64 are in reverse chronological order on the December 31, 2012 blog entry date.  This makes it difficult to read these chronologically.  I don't know how to fix the problem, so if you like to read the entries in order just know that all of these entries can be found on this date.


64

There’s always 5 min left…

4/15/08

Here I am in Biology Class at co-op during the last 5 weeks of school.  As much as I hate it here, I think I’m gonna miss it.  I came here my 6^th grade year  (I think) and I’ll be a sophomore next year.  So that means I came here before I ever had a boyfriend, before my 1^st kiss, b4 I met Binky, b4 I got my door takin’ away, b4 I knew David, Emma, Missy, b4 I ran away, b4 I snuck out & b4 I took the car.  Wooow!  I’ve changed sooo much & this place is the building I’ve come to 2 days a week through everything. 

This isn’t the most exciting school… it’s just the place where all of my best memories are… it’s just the place that’s helped make me who I am.  I’ve never been ready to go to public school until recently.  

All this time it’s been a dream just far away enough to be at the tip of my fingertips but still out of reach.  I would have probably been a completely different person if Mom & Dad let me go to school.  I convinced my flesh for so long that I wouldn’t change.  That I would be just the same if I could go2 school.  Now I look back & ask who the heck was I kidding?  I’m glad my parents knew better. 

I still wanna go but I want to go being the person that I am. 

This co-op has been everything I need through these past few years though.  All the way from the stupid dress code to the guys having to stand up every time Mrs. M walks into the room.  I know looking back at this co-op is a heck of a lot better than when I actually lived through it because I know how much I dread it.  But I’m just sayin… overall… it’s been ok.  I’m still alive which means I’m a survivor. Lol. 

I don’t wanna 4get this co-op… weather I go 2 public school or still home school next year.  Wherever it is that I end up… I think I’ll be just fine. :-) I guess this chamber they call a school hasn’t been so bad afterall.

I will strive to be better.

In Christ,

Heather Lee

Dear Heather,

How many times have you both loved and hated this school?  Sometimes, we get ready to leave a place and suddenly, we see its value.  They say you don’t know what you have until it’s gone.  I don’t really know who “they” is, but they are right.  When the irritation disappears, all that is left is what is real.  And more times than not, we find out what is real wasn’t so bad afterall.

I wish I knew how to skip right to the end feeling.  Life would be so much better if we could appreciate everything while we are in the midst of it instead of when we are leaving. 

I Love you.

Mom

Heather's Journal #63. No title. 4/12/08

63

No Title

4/12/08

I’m home from my M's house, I really love that girl.  I saw Mac again to, I don’t feel like writing out all of it but I feel let down… we were supposed to talk but we  never did.  I don’t even know him anymore.  I miss him…. My best friend.  I feel like he’s gone forever.  I wanna cry but the tears won’t seem2 fall & I’m not gonna try and force them.  Disappointment seems to follow me like they’re the clothes on my back.  Don’t get me wrong, I had an awesome time w/ M, but Mac seemed 2 have more of an impact on me than I wanted.  He seems to not have a care in the world… & I’m trying to hold it all together & look the same.  I wanna win – not him.

I’ll write you just 2 let you know that I’m all allright. 

Can’t say, I’m sad to see you go.  Cause I’m not.  Well, I’m not.

So We Just Take it Back

Dear Heather,

I’m sorry that you are still disappointed.  But remember how good you are at looking like you don’t have a care in the world – I suspect Mac has the same skill.  It’s all a façade.  Fiction.  Fake.  You know his issues and you know that either he is struggling on the inside or he isn’t yet aware of how bad his situation is.

Remember, looks can be deceiving.  Put the focus back on him. Not you.  Think from his perspective for a moment.  You won’t feel so disappointed. You might even understand.

I love you.

Mom

Heather's Journal #62. " Just Smiling" 4-9-08

62

“Just Smiling"

4-9-08

The days just keep rollin’ on by and I can’t help but to thank God for every bit of it.  I keep seeing my past through my everyday life  I can see my old school, my favorite old shirt, my friend’s old sand-box… I still see it all.  Sometimes I can even smell my past.  It’s like an entire film constantly playing in my head only pausing when I blink entering reality again.  I never knew growing up was gonna be like this.

During the day I try & go back remembering every moment I’ve ever lived because I never wanna forget it.  As my days increase….  I can only hope my memory can hold it all. 

I want to keep every moment right w/me.  Every laugh.  Every tear.  Every hug.  I want it all.  I just don’t wanna forget where I came from and everything that made me who I am.

Things at home are still crazy… but I love it because that’s what makes me feel like home.  Mom trying to manage everyone.  Correcting their every mistake and trying not to go insane herself.  Dad trying to stay sane through tax season… occasionally coming upstairs to wander… asking obvious questions then repeating it all back 3 times… lol.  Every baby in the house screaming (currently Taquito, Sam and NuNu.)  And everyone else off doing their own thing.

But I still make time just to sit and watch it all. Because it makes me laugh. 

Home… as much as I hate this place, I’ll always love it more.  It would not be home without all the constant noise, yelling, fighting, & 12 a.m. snacks with half the house that gets up to do the same… man… it’s just where I belong. 

Lately, I’ve heard constant banging in the house, like someone is trying desperately to hammer on a door we’ve knocked off or something.  But that’s not what it is at all.  Come to find Torito, KK and Tq have mastered the idea of “dress-up.”  Lol.  I keep forgetting I’m not the little girl playing that game anymore.  … They go around the house all day everyday with the loudest clunking high heels on.  Lol.  So, since it’s them making all the noise… I found it to be a little more tolerable. 

Well, I think that is all for now….

I will strive to be better.

In Christ,

Heather Marie Lee

P.S.  I just found out, my mom, bec, kat, rubz, tabz & me are all on… no wonder this is emotion central. Lol.

Dear Heather,

Our house isn’t for everybody.  But I think God put us all together on purpose.  He knew that we need to live in community.  He knew that we needed each other.  That somehow, as a group – we are better than we are alone.  And different than we would have been growing up in our original families. 

I love to sit back, when I’m not crazy at the moment, and just watch us.  So many sweet things happen everyday.  I think I overlook many of them – or at least don’t tell ya’ll I notice – because I’m so busy managing this large crew that I get caught up in who needs to do what and when. 

Some people criticize large families. And that includes us.  They can’t imagine why anyone would have a family our size.  Although people seem to be more tolerant of our family once they learn that most of you are adopted.  Suddenly, we turn from crazy people for having so many children, to blessed people for taking on so many children.    People who have large families by birth tend to be the ones that get the most criticism. 

Anyway, watching the relationships develop. Watching Bec, Kat, & Amy grow up never knowing what it would have been like to live in a family without the rest of ya’ll.  Watching people heal.  And mature.  And learn to trust again.  I don’t get to see it nearly as much as I would like – but when I take the time to stop and breathe and listen and watch, I love our family and I’m so grateful God trusted me with the job as your mom. 

I love you very much.

Mom

Heather's Journal #61. "I'm never ever ever ever gonna be the same again.... LOL" 4-6-08

61

“I’m never ever ever ever gonna be the same again.  I’m flippin’ choosing worship music instead of rap!  What’s wrong with me?!? … LOL

4-6-08

Okay.  So it’s  been tough these last couple-a-days but I’ve managed2 climb right out of it.  I cried myself2 sleep the other night   4 the first time in a while… At least over a guy that is.  Long story short:  X-boyfriends just really shouldn’t date your best friend.  Missy is a long story.  I’m moving on though.  I swear I have a problem with letting people back into my life who should just remain in the past.  Drama follows me  like I’m it’s  freakin’ mother & I’m running faster than ever before.  I’ve found my escape.

I spent the night w/ my X's sister the other day & had a blast.  This whole hanging out w/ new  people is flippin’ amazing.  I saw  my X & it wasn’t awkward, I just want to hug him n tell him I was sorry 4 all the pain I caused hoping he would somehow understand.. but I didn’t.  I  talked to him but didn’t say hello or goodbye lol confusing, I know.  I’m really hoping I can make it 2 church this Wednesday so we can talk.  On God’s time though, not mine.

With all that2 say, I miss Mac a whole lot but I’m really okay.  I’m holding onto this happiness escaping2 the Lord when I get in way over my head again.

I will strive to be better.

In Christ

Heather Marie Lee

Dear Heather,

“I’m holding onto this happiness escaping2 the Lord when I get in over my head…”  Sounds like you are using your star player.  Great solution!  He’ll always come through for you.

I love you.

Mom

Heather's Journal #60. No Title. 4-3-08

60

No Title

4-3-08

And here I am feeling small, ugly & insignificant.  I’m trying not to but it’s finally catching up to me.  Everything feels so unreachable.  I hate this… I just saw some pictures of my X & some chick, they were adorable together.  It brought back old feelings & a whole new level of wanting someone again.  God’s all I need.  I know.  But I miss those spontaneous butterflies…

I just want someone perfect.  But I don’t see how I’m gonna let someone else in my heart after all this.  Always being disappointed.  I need to pray.  I feel like I’m suffocating in this world again….

I will strive to be better…

In Christ,

Heather Marie Lee

Dear Heather,

Only 3 days ago, happiness stopped in for a visit.  But one picture sent happiness fleeing out the door.  Problem.  You  left the door wide open and smallness, ugliness and insecurity sneaked inside. 

You are not suffocating.  That is a lie.  You have God on your team.  Use Him.  He’s the star player.

I love you.

Mom