4
October 5, 2007
F**K. I just cut real bad & now I
remembered I have a soccer game 2morrow.
Gah. This jus means a
butt-load of make-up & some lamo xcuse, that is if sum1 sees it. So I’m good.
Can I
ask something? I’m getting worse
& knew it was coming. Which is
my xact reason 4 going 2 mom. Me,
thinking she would help me … (stupid me) all I get is what I should have
expected in the 1st place.
Me coming across 2 mom as a – waist of time, a screw up, f**ker, fake,
& not worth it. (Which by the
way she’s looked directly at me & said.) So I know I’m pretty desperate when I go 2 her 4 help. But when I do, I look @ her & I can
hear all those things she’s called me tormenting me all @ 1nce like some kind
of nightmare.
Ah! All
I want is 4 someone 2 listen 2 me! No. Not just some one, I want mom 2 listen!
But I’ve lost her attention b/c I screw up everything. Damnit! I’m getting worse & I don’t
know what 2 do.
Ya know
it may seem like I’m blaming mom but I don’t mean 2. It’s just – she’s so amazing, it’s hard to believe she’d
love some1 like me. That prolly
sounds stupid beyond belief but idc.
All I do is disappoint her.
It’s weird. 2 day she
hugged Meg like I wish she’d hug me.
She talks 2 Becca like she is so proud 2 be her mom (which she should).
But me – I’m unwanted. And I’ve
always felt that way. I’m going crazy.
I keep saying over & over again I’ll make it but IDK. Well of course I’ll make it but maybe
not in the right way. I’m begging
4 help b/c I feel like it’s me against everyone.
What am
I living? Slashing trying 2 figure
why God still has me here while I also try n figure out how I’m gonna cover the
scars so I don’t have 2 answer D.A. questions. I live 4 God, yes, but I’ve gotten to the point where I feel
so completely unworthy and a waist of time that God shouldn’t have 2 listen 2
me either. I don’t wanna look @
myself. I want 2 run away 2 Boston
… where no one knows by name.
Lol. Haaaaha. 4ril though.
I’m
depressed. I wanna talk to Brad but I can’t. Even though I don’t
feel like caring, I don’t wanna have 2 lie & say I didn’t call him. But either way it puts me further
behind. But even more I wanna try
2 do the right things. I don’t
wanna feel guilty. But it’s also
feeling like I have 2 pick surviving or doing the right things. And personally surviving sounds 100
times better.
I’m
confused 2 say the least but more disappointed I guess. Disappointed because I let it get this
far without 4seeing it. I could
cry a thousand tears but either way I feel like living shit. IDK. I should go read my bible. I need God so much & it’s silly 2
not go 2 Him. But I feel like such
a self-conscious little loser.
Heck, He outa all people should be able 2 help me. Alright I’ll go but I’m depressed &
that’s final.
I will
strive 2 be better (WTF)
In
Christ,
Heather
Lee
Dear Heather,
It sounds like
you have a lot emotional baggage to carry here! It’s heavy. Too
heavy for you to carry alone!
Can I just say
that you are believing lies based on how you feel? You say that you FEEL like you are unwanted and
unloved. That I attack you. That I’m so disappointed in you that
you waste my time. That you are so
screwed up that even God shouldn’t have to waste his time on you. And you are obviously unhappy and
disappointed with yourself.
Mike Garrigan (our pastor) always says feelings make a great servant but a terrible Master. Feelings simply aren’t very
trustworthy. They don’t always
speak truth. They can be useful
and they can’t be ignored – but you can’t let yourself be controlled by
them.
Especially when
the feelings are based on lies. Of course I get mad at you. Of course I’m disappointed when you
disobey or do something asinine or dangerous or hurtful. Of course I’m not happy that I can’t
trust you. But that does not mean
that you are a waste of my time or that I don’t love you or want you.
I’m human. I react in anger sometimes. I speak harshly when I need to make a
point and I’m all out of patience.
But I also tell you that I love you. That I’m committed to you. That I don’t expect it to always be so hard. That I see your future and it is not as
bad as your past.
What I hear you
saying is that you hate yourself so much that you don’t deserve anyone,
including God. And if you hear me
or anyone else say anything that might confirm that belief, you latch onto it
and hold it tightly – replaying it in your head over and over again – even when
it no longer applies. On the other
hand, you ignore the good things – completely - because they aren’t consistent
with the lie that you believe about yourself.
Okay. I’m going to state what is obvious to
me but may sound a little weird.
Satan is real. Not some
scary looking guy with red horns and a tail carrying a pitchfork like some
Halloween costume. And he really
wants you to believe these lies.
Give him a chance and he’ll make sure that you are miserable and totally
absorbed in believing these lies.
Why? Well. First, it is his job. Lie. Steal. Kill. Destroy. Second. If you believe these lies, then that separates you from God
and the people that love you. And
that’s his goal. If he can keep
you from God and the people that love you he can suck you into the misery he
thrives upon.
Talking about
Satan as a deceiver can sound a little strange. Many Christians think of God as real and interacting in our
daily life. But with Satan, we
don’t tend to give him equal status in our reality. He feels more like an historical figure – not a living being
that is actively trying to destroy us on a daily basis. When I was younger, I
thought of Hell as just the place where Satan did his dirty work - a place I
clearly didn’t want to spend eternity. But experience showed me that was a lie
too!
The truth is that
Satan is living and thriving in our broken world because so many people – even
Christians – give him that power.
But here’s the deal. God
has already won the final battle with Satan. Satan never had a chance. But Satan is too darn stupid and stubborn to give in – even
though he already knows the outcome.
What does that
mean? The only control Satan has over your life is what you GIVE him – either
on purpose or without realizing it.
He has no power without your permission. That’s the weird part.
As long as you have God, you have won. Satan can try to screw with your life, but ultimately,
anything he does God will turn to good – unless you side with Satan and allow
him to control you.
I know that you
see Heaven as a very real place and you know that God is with you. Do you feel the same way about
Satan? Do you view Hell as very
real and Satan as actively trying to get a piece of you?
God tells us that
there is a battle in the spiritual world that is greater than any battle we face
on earth. It’s hard to wrap your
brain around because we don’t physically see the spiritual battle, but it is
very real. We see the results of
that battle every day and if we can recognize it, things become clearer.
I just want you
to know that Satan is your real enemy.
Sometimes, it will look like God is the enemy either because you don’t
feel like He is listening or because he doesn’t give you what you ask for. Sometimes, I may speak truth harshly
and it will look like I’m the enemy.
Or maybe you think the enemy is your birth family or one of the other
families that didn’t keep you. And
I know that you have already experienced the feeling of that internal battle
with yourself.
I probably need
to clarify one thing. Not every
bad thing that happens is a direct attack by Satan. Sometimes, the bad things
are a direct result of our own poor choices - like two teens that choose to
have sex before marriage. Or bad
things happen because other people make poor choices - like a man’s decision to rape a woman.
Nonetheless, your
only real enemy is Satan. When you
are in the midst of a battle or a struggle – even when it looks like it is with
another person – keep the right perspective and the problem will be easier to
solve.
I love you.
Mom
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