Heather's Journal #22. "His Mistake Cost Me My Life." 11-11-07

Note:  Heather's birth father called to tell her that his long-time girlfriend had passed away.  This call came on the heels of her discovering that her father was her likely abuser - something she had avoided believing her entire life.  To this day none of us know the truth,  but the discovery of a real possibility impacted Heather in very real ways.

22

“His Mistake Cost Me My Life.”

11-11-07

Oh God.  He just called me… He told me his girlfriend died & he wanted 2 come see me but I told him I didn’t think that was a good idea b/c of what I found out.  My heart has never pounded that hard w/out me running or something like that b4.  He wants 2 send me $1,000.00 2 my bank account.  So now here I am – crying.  It feels like he’s 2 different people… & its hard 2 believe which person he really is.  I think God was preparing me 4 that call b/c if He hadn’t – I might b going 2 see my father right now.  Or deciding if I should.  All I know 2 do is 2 trust & believe God.  He’s carrying me through my life – I feel Him. 

I just pray 4 strength, b/c I feel so weak – so weak.  And I pray 4 him – b/c I know he’s not perfect… & everyone makes mistakes … but his,  his cost me years of confusion and aloneness.  His cost me my life.  But I will have faith & overcome.  Nothing will stop me.

I will strive 2 be better.

Heather Lee

Dear Heather,

This is going to sound strange, but it is okay to love your dad even if he hurt you.  You are right to pray for him.  Being angry at him is not going to make your life better.  So if you want to love him anyway – that’s okay.  He’s your father. 

But don’t get confused with stuff like money.  It’s not a contradiction to abuse you and also offer to send you money.  Maybe he feels guilty.  Maybe he sees it as a way to try to take care of you.  Maybe he thinks it will make things better or prove his love for you.  In any case, I don’t necessarily see two different people. 

Finally, although you are right – his mistake wasn’t just any ole’ mistake – his cost you your childhood and your life to this point.  But he doesn’t have to own your future.  You are a survivor and with God’s help – you will thrive.

I love you.

Mom