19
“The Death of My Daddy”
November 5, 2007
“School
has been put on hold lately. And
I’ve been completely fine w/ it. I
can’t concentrate on anything let alone stay focused on school. I honestly don’t know how 2 deal w/
this. I’m struggling w/ accepting
that I’m not ok. I wanna be
because I think I should be. But
I’m not. At least that’s what mom
says. She knows me better than I
do so I’ll trust her. Lol. I just don’t know. Should I cry or just think about
it? I had a dream about him last
night. I dreampt that I walked right past him &
said, “I’ll figure out what really happened.” And I didn’t look back. I got the answer from people but I don’t remember the
answer.
But
anyways I’m praying 4 help. I’m
going through yet another death of some1 I loved w/ every ounce of my
heart. My daddy. The image of my daddy is warped & I
can’t change it. It’s so weird
looking back @ pictures of him.
The picture shows my daddy, but the truth my eyes now sees shows my
father. Something like this
shouldn’t hurt me so bad bc I’ve been fine all these years (well almost). I’m living, breathing, I’m healthy
& I’m fine.
Why
should I have 2 face what’s in my past?
Idk. Maybe it shouldn’t
hurt this bad, but since it obviously does, I’m gonna try 2 figure this out. It’ll only make me stronger. I trust God w/ this, that He’ll get me
through this, just like He always does.
“I will strive 2 be better.
In
Christ,
Heather
Lee
Dear Heather,
You aren’t okay. (But you will be.) You haven’t been okay in years. Not really. You are just pretending that you are okay. And a lot of people buy your act – but not me. J You are trying to avoid confronting the issue head on -- Thinking that if you pretend like they didn’t happen, it won’t affect you and you can be the “happy-go-lucky” girl you want to be. But it doesn’t work that way! This isn’t Oz or Wonderland.
Remember my
semi-frozen Diet Dr. Pepper story?
Well, the latest information about your dad unscrewed the cap and your
real feelings are spewing out and making a huge mess – but you are frantically
trying to screw the cap back into place.
The irony is that even if you succeed – most of the stuff has
already
escaped.
What hurts is
that you have to deal with the mess because you can’t put it back in the bottle
– and you really would prefer to avoid it.
Let me encourage
you to feel. Feel whatever you
feel. Even bad. Feel angry. Feel disappointed.
Feel sad. Feel
horrified. Feel trashy. Feel
nasty. Just feel.
But don’t let the
feelings control you. Remember - feelings
make a good servant but a terrible master. The feelings can serve you well if you let them help you
figure out what you think so that you can get past the feelings.
It will do you no
good to be angry, disappointed, horrified or to feel trashy or nasty for the
rest of your life. If you do, then
the abuser wins. The abuser takes charge
not only of the abuse but of everything after the abuse.
You are a fighter
and you won’t let that happen. You have God on your side, so who can be against
you?
I love you.
Mom
No comments:
Post a Comment