FYI: Shae (her real name) was Heather's youth leader and friend. She is a mom herself and is wise and loving and honest. The kind of person a mom hopes will influence her child. Thanks Shae.
7
“Just Another Day”
10-8-07
I’ve
gotten through another hell of a day.
But hey, I’m still alive.
Mom & Dad might not let me go to Shae’s house 2morrow. Which really pisses me off b/c I need 2
go. I need 2 get away. I’m hoping it will give me
motivation. Shae’s really good @
helping me & she’s just plain freakin’ cooleo.
It was
amazing @ church this Sunday. B/c
it felt like God restored hope in me.
Just like I’ve been praying for.
Now I’m praying that God will let me go 2 Shae’s. I really need 2 go & I’m almost
259% positive nothing will go wrong.
Well
anyways, everything’s still the same except the fact that I’m a lil calmer than
I have been. I’ve been battling my
flesh every day. It’s so hard but
I know somewhere that I’m strong & I’ll get through this. (Hopefully)
Sometimes I feel so weak but I find strength in God when I’m fully open 2
it.
I keep
having the same flashbacks. My dad
is tickling me & I can hear my laugh in the background. Then he falls over and I’m looking at
him wondering what happened. Then
I go get help. I remember that
like it just happened. I hate 2
say it but I wish I knew then what I know now … when will I forget – when will
these memories disappear?
I will
strive 2 be better.
In
Christ
Heather
Lee
Dear Heather,
So, you are
almost 259% sure nothing will go wrong?
Exactly how sure is that? I
know that math isn’t your best subject (and certainly not mine) but if I was a
betting woman – those would seem like really good odds! But I’m not. And when it comes to trust – almost 259% sure is still not
enough to rebuild trust between us.
Consistency is the key, not a few single instances. Trust will be built
when you repeatedly honor your word.
I know you are
probably thinking. “Okay.
Fine. How many times do I have to
be honest and trustworthy before you will trust me?” I also know that are
frustrated and anxious because you can’t seem to get things right even though
you try. And I wish there weren’t
natural consequences to your actions.
But there are. And in your
case, lying, deception, and sneaking around have broken our trust relationship
in a big way. If I can’t trust you,
then none of your words have meaning that I can rely upon.
I wish I could
give you a specific number or a formula or a checklist for rebuilding
trust. But it doesn’t work that
way. Trust is not a mathematical
or scientific process.
Instead, it’s relational.
And all we can do is be trustworthy and wait for the other person
to trust. I promise it will be
worth it.
I love you.
Mom
P.S. For the
record, this would be an example of a time when your choices resulted in bad
consequences. Satan doesn’t have
to do anything if you make bad decisions without his help. That frees him up to
spend time on the people who need more help to sin well. :-)
P.P.S. Was your dad drunk when he fell
over? Do you feel responsible for
that? Based on the stories you
tell me, it seems you always saw yourself as his protector and savior. Do you remember that you were only 4-years-old
at this time? I know you can see now how crazy that would be – a 4-year-old
responsible for the health and safety of her father – but have you really let
go of that feeling? If not, it may
be what makes you hold on to guilt and makes you feel like you don’t deserve
love. Because you weren’t good enough to play God.
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