27
“October Skies”
11-20somethin-07
It’s
exactly 1:12 a.m. at the moment.
Why I’m still up Idk. Lol.
Me n Binky fell asleep watching our favorite reality TV. Show. I love that girl – she’s my hero. :-)
Today/Tomorrow
is the Alabama v. Auburn game. And
I’m totally excited but I know I’ll just be looking 4 Dan’s face everywhere I
look. He wanted 2 meet w/ me there
but – I had a dream that night that definitely changed my mind about even
considering that thought. I was
laying in bed & just asked God 2 tell me anything I needed2know. I woke up the next morning & just
thanked God.
I had a
dream I was on Dan’s lap @ the game with a bunch of orange around me. (orange
meaning I was @ some Auburn game.)
And I looked behind me & mom was just sitting there watching
me. I started crying & B4 I
knew it the whole stadium was looking @ me and I had that heavy feeling of regret. Now tell me that’s not a sign from
God. Lol.
I can’t
believe I was even considering it B4.
After everything I’ve already been through. But Idk – I guess I just wanted 2 re-live a moment w/ Dan. Hard 2 believe I know. But I was so emotionally attached 2
him -- sometimes I’d give anything
2 be w/him just one more night.
But I know even if I had 1 more night with him, it wouldn’t satisfy me
completely. And that’s what I’m
looking 4.
I’m
sick of this half-way crap. That
dream- was all I needed 2 snap outa that. Lol. But if I happen to bump into Dan @ the game- I’m running
so far in the opposite direction.
I’m not gonna lose. And
this isn’t even about the trouble I’d get in. (Although it helps.) It’s about disappointment. True regret and that layer of guilt
I’ve just now gotten rid of. I
look back @ the very 1st page of this binder & I can already
tell a huge difference & that was only like a month ago. It’d just be silly 2 go back 2 my old
ways – even 4 a sec. of “half-way" satisfaction. I think not. *sigh
*
Things are good – for now. :-) I’m growing stronger with the love of God & I
can finally look back and see it.
It’s all coming together.
Thank God.
*I will Strive 2 be better
In Christ,
Heather Marie Lee
Dear Heather,
I told you God
has a sense of humor. Even in our
dreams. He knew just how to get
your attention. Glad you
realize that your way was not His way!
I read something
the other day that I wrote down. “God’s work depends on our cooperation…” It was from the book The Christian’s
Secret to a Happy Life, which I think is a very strange title. It sounds like a checklist for
happiness. In a way, she gives
instructions on what she believes God told her about finding happiness. One of the things that she said, is Our
job is to trust. God’s job is to
work. p.12
She has a way of
expressing what so many of us think, so I will use her words. “… the greatest burden, the most
difficult thing we have to manage in life is self – daily living, feelings,
special weaknesses and temptations that worry us and bring us into bondage and
darkness. You must hand yourself
and all you are over in to the care and keeping of your God and leave it all
there. Then rest, trusting
yourself to Him, continually and absolutely.” P. 14
She goes
on to describe that we are to be like little children who trust that they will
be taken care of – a trust that exists even when a parent or caretaker is not
worthy of that trust. If we can have that same kind of unfettered trust in God
to meet all of our needs, He would meet our needs graciously.
The problem is,
we keep taking back what we entrust to God. That is the struggle.
We feel as though we are too much of a burden. We worry that we aren’t good enough to deserve all that He
has to offer. We imagine that He
either doesn’t really understand our desires or won’t meet them even if He
does.
And so, even
though it all sounds so simple.
And I believe that trust is the core, I’m still not sure how to make that
decision once and let go. It seems
to be something I have to do every day.
Trust. Then rest. That sounds right.
But I still struggle with the word rest in this context. I don’t think rest means to
recline and do nothing. We must
still cook and clean and work and prepare food and take care of children and
give birth. The men must still
work and provide food and shelter and discipline and leadership. That is all done with God’s guidance,
but not His Body. We work in
cooperation with God. He is the carpenter,
we are the tools – yielding to the
direction of carpenter.
You know what is
really weird? I was reading The Christian’s Secret of a Happy Life and I picked
up my computer and typed these notes to myself in a document I have saved just
for these kind of thoughts. They
aren’t in any particular order. They cover the course of years.
So, I just
randomly started typing in the middle of some other notes that I had taken on a
variety of subjects. And you’ll never believe what I had written right beneath
these words I just wrote?
They were notes
from a message that Mike Garrigan gave.
He was talking about Our effort meeting God’s strength. Like Ms. Smith, he was saying that we
have to work in cooperation with God.
If we follow His lead and use His strength and our effort – we will
succeed.
Actually, I don’t know if he said
this or I thought it based on what he said, but basically the message I got was that we
don’t come out of the womb running a 5 minute mile or slam dunking a basketball
into a 10 foot net, or knowing our math facts, or how to play an
instrument. We don’t come out of
the womb knowing how to cook or clean or any particular skill. We may learn some things easily, but
they are still things that we must learn.
These are all things that take effort on our part.
Mike’s message
and Ms. Smith’s ideas now seem to mesh.
Mike picks up where she seemed to me to leave off.
In this context, I think rest means not to worry; rather than sitting
down to wait.
I like how God
ties together thoughts I have months apart. He’s good that way. :-)
I love You.
Mom
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