Heather's Letter #85. No Title. No Date.

85

No Title

No Date

  

Dying has never looked so appealing to me before.  My mind has never been so confused before & my heart has never been so weak before.  Stitch my eyes shut, I do not deserve to see these beautiful colors.  All I’ve ever wanted was to feel loved.  Love has kissed me on the cheek & followed me for years but I can’t feel…my body is numb and hopelessly disconnected.

I said to myself, “I wanna be fearless again.”  But now I’ve never felt more afraid in my life. 

My biggest mistake was thinking it was over, that all this was dealt with.  I’ve just barely hit the surface my darling.  But I’m all of a sudden supposed to have the energy to stand up & fight when my heart is punctured & my destination is to only fall again?

 I miss the little girl I used to be.  I was safe… I cried no tears.  I was cold but I survived.  I want to be her again.  

I've gotten far too emotional and it's killing me.  How 'bout I screw my lips shut and crawl my way out of this mess?  How about I quit fooling myself and face the truth.

I can’t trust anyone and love will always be a fantasy.  For too long have I pretended and mastered this game.  Thinking I could trust anyone & loving everyone.  When I have no idea what it means to do either of those.

God.  My body is shaking.  I can feel my heart pounding.  My hands are cold & my eyes are filled w/ tears.  Please don’t give up on me.  All I need is you.

Dear Heather,

You are mixing the Truth with Lies and you are confused. The Lies can destroy you and leave you feeling hopeless instead of lost and hopeful. If I rewrote your letter and only spoke truth, I would edit it something like this…

“Dying has never looked so appealing to me before because I know that with you I will no longer struggle.  It feels as though my mind has never been so confused before & my heart has never been so weak before. Stitch my eyes shut, I do not deserve to see these beautiful colors.  All I’ve ever wanted was to feel loved.  Love has kissed me on the cheek & followed me for years but something is stopping me... I can’t feel…my body is numb and hopelessly disconnected.

I said to myself, “I wanna be fearless again.”  But now I’ve never felt more afraid in my life. 

My biggest mistake was thinking it was over, that all this was dealt with.  I’ve just barely hit the surface my Darling.  But I’m all of a sudden supposed to have the energy to stand up & fight when my heart is punctured & my destination is to only fall again?   I do not have the energy to stand up & fight alone. I need your help.

I miss the little girl I used to be.  I was safe… I cried no tears.  I was cold but I survived.  I want to be her again. I know that I have not been given a spirit of fear, but I am afraid. I want to feel safe again.

I can’t trust anyone and love will always be a fantasy.  How about I quit fooling myself and face the truth that my plan is not Your plan? 

It is hard to wait, but I trust that You will fulfill my longing for love.   For too long I have pretended and mastered this game.  Thinking I could trust anyone & loving everyone.  When I have no idea what it means to do either of those.

God.  My body is shaking.  I can feel my heart pounding.  My hands are cold & my eyes are filled w/ tears.  Please don’t give up on me.  All I need is You.”

I love You.

Mom