Heather's Journal #82. "So I pause and adore...." June 22, 2008

82

“So I pause and adore, I ?? in before you… in every way you’re beautiful.”

June 22, 2008

So through all these yrs. I come to find out there is no ending.  There’s no finish to this daily battle my past has eternally cursed me with.  I think my soul is desperately seeking an escape… to somehow drop what keeps coming up. 

Today, I went 2 Wendy’s, which was me and my Daddy’s favorite place2 eat… I was sitting there & the tears were begging to stream down, but I’m too strong now.  My heart won’t allow it.  I don’t care that it’s hard.  I don’t care that it hurts.  “I wanna run like there no pain in my side, all shadows left behind.”  SOURCE? 

I all of a sudden feel so fragile… I don’t understand why when I know I truly wanna stand strong.  Renee came over & talked to me for hrs. the other day, she brought up memories I’ve somehow pushed aside. 

Just by talking to her, I uncovered pain I was sure I was over.  She understood though, I told her some stuff Mom doesn’t even know about.  What am I gonna do?  How am I just gonna bring back all these feelings & try to somehow cope w/ them all over again? 

My own body has taken over to deal w/ this and now I’m just… so lost.  Why can’t I just… forget about it…?  Drop it?  But I don’t wanna spend the rest of my life trying2 forget… when I’m constantly reminded…

I will strive to be better

In Christ,

Heather Marie Lee

Dear Heather,

This is the first time in a very long time that you have attributed your feelings to your past.  Is that because your past hasn’t been at the forefront of your thoughts lately or because you just didn’t want to write about it? 

I encourage you to be fragile.  God works best when we are broken.  When we are weak we have no strength to do anything on our own and we must depend on Him.

Somehow, I think we just get in the way. 

I know it is hard, but I want you to work all the way to the end of the pain.  Imagine, if that is even possible, what it will feel like when what overwhelms you disappears. 

My heart breaks because it’s not like the words I write will suddenly make it all better.  I want it to be that way – but I can’t make it happen.

I love you.

Mom