Heather's Journal # 106: “There’s no tears left to cry at the end of the night.” September 6, 2008

106

“There’s no tears left to cry at the end of the night.”

September 6, 2008

Got busted for gettin drunk Friday night.  I’ve been fighting my fleshly desire for so long and to finally do it, I changed my outlook.  My parents’ disappointment in me is making me so sad… The only way I’m not emotionally destroyed right now is because I’ve had practice so many times before from picking up the pieces & starting over again.

I’m so ashamed… God shouldn’t have anything to do with me & my parents shouldn’t love me.  I deserve nothing.

The process of getting out of this mess no longer scares me.  It just makes me impatient.  I’m only scared of what people think of me… if they’ll still love me after all this & accept me for me.  There’s a battle going on in my heart & I gave up Friday… where was my strength?  I guess this is what’s gunna make me a little stronger next time.  I’ve screwed up. 

It was my choice & I got what I wanted… or what I thought I wanted.  But I’m not destroyed by the enemy.  Now I can give it all up to God.  Carry me until I am able to walk again…

I will love you.

In Christ,

Heather Lee

Dear Heather,

Yes.  You screwed up.  Again.  You did something dangerous.  Again.  You gave into your fleshly desires – knowing that it would get you no where.  Again. 

You got caught.  Again.  You have disappointed us.  Again.  There are consequences. Again. 

But you are forgiven.  Again.  You are still loved.  Again.  You are still worthy. Again. 

And because you have turned back to God, the Enemy has lost.  Again.

I love you anyway.

Mom

Heather's Journal #105: “I sit under the sun allowing the wind to kiss my cheek and he loves me forever…” 8-4-08 (placed after 9-3-08) 105 “I sit under the sun allowing the wind to kiss my cheek and he loves me forever…” 8-4-08 (placed after 9-3-08)

105 

“I sit under the sun allowing the wind to kiss my cheek and he loves me forever…”

8-4-08 
(Note: I present entries in the order I found them in her journal.)

Somewhere somehow my feelings are at rest, compromising with the best of this world.  Somewhere I’m able to find joy in small children again and accept the love from a father once more.  I’ve forgotten what’s it’s like to be captured by such abiding innocent love that I have so carelessly tossed away.  I’ve chosen the ways of a fool with a weak heart…. When all I have to do is pray for strength from above.  Why I choose this unstable life style I cannot explain other than to say I’m ridiculously selfish.  Make my way of living life new and fresh, strong and pure, unselfish and beautiful.

In Christ

Heather Marie Lee

Dear Lord,

Thank you for opening her eyes and her heart to You.  Again. 

I love you.

Heather’s Mom

Heather's Journal #104: “Have you ever just stood there & let the wind kiss your hair… And put your head in a lion’s mouth & didn’t feel scared…” Sep 3, 2008

104

“Have you ever just stood there & let the wind kiss your hair…

And put your head in a lion’s mouth & didn’t feel scared…”

Sep 3, 2008

I lay here without an ounce of regret, I walk the streets without a single emotion of shame.  This heart of mine has been covered up by the thickest blanket and underneath I believe it’s drowning in regret & shame. 

The two things my mind tells my heart I don’t feel.  What  a liar my mind has become.  I pray to God begging him to take this desperation away.  He hears me I know, but I cry myself to sleep because my desperation has not packed up and said goodbye. 

This generation looks like a buncha dead bodies walking around… any true emotions have been trashed  & a lie is the new truth.  So I stare at the many faces as I wonder what’s really going on inside.  I honestly have only  allowed God an insight to my emotions.  We’re so afraid of pain but… our hearts have already stopped beating a long time ago…

Dear Heather,

I noticed you didn’t sign your letter at all.  You have only done that a few times in all these entries.  What makes you not sign off?  Just curious.

Anyway, I think you see into others more than they see into themselves.   You see it because you recognize the feelings and emotions in yourself.  “You said this generation looks like a buncha dead bodies walking around… any true emotions have been trashed & a lie is the new truth." 

What you say is so true, but unfortunately, it has looked this way in every generation.  Like I said before, people haven't changed (or learned) all that much in the history of man!

But so few people recognize it in the personal way that you understand.

The truth is that there have always been lost people.  There have always been people that say that they believe in God and call themselves Christians, but whose lives do not reflect that belief.  There have always been believers who stray from their beliefs.  There have always been people who have no idea that there is anything wrong.  There have always been selfish people.  And greedy people.  And hopeless people. 

They all have existed since the Fall of Man.  And they will always exist. 

But for those of us who recognize it, we are disheartened because we know what is/was possible.

I love you.

Mom

Heather's Journal #103: 1 Peter 1:24. “All men are like grass and all their glory is like flowers of the field. ....” 8-29-08

103

1 Peter 1:24.  “All men are like grass  and all their glory is like flowers of the field.  The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the Word of the Lord stands forever.”

8-29-08

I never really trusted that God would be faithful in all this.. even if I hoped it w/ all my heart.  There was still a big part of me who didn’t believe He’d get back to me when I prayed that prayer.  He did and I’m honestly surprised4 some reason.  Why would I be surprised that the Lord of Lords was faithful to me?  That the owner of my heart nursed me back to health?  That my God was listening to my plea…. ? There’s so much more to God that I want to see,  but for now I wanna sit in awe of what He’s revealed to me….

I will love Him,

In Christ

Heather Lee

Dear Heather,

I don’t know exactly what he revealed.  But sit in awe as long as you need to.  You don’t even have to help me clean the kitchen. J

I love you.

Mom

Heather's Journal #102 - "I'll find a pattern of hope in us…." 8-24-08

102

“I’ll find a pattern of hope in us. I’ll find reason to hold on.  We could wait for redemption find a word for us other than shame.”  (source?)

8-24-08

The days all seem to be running together as time slips by.  Where haas been my smile for the past few days?  God get me out of this world… I just wanna be with you.

I can’t trust anybody really & not even myself anymore.  I only find safety with You.  I don’t want anyone else.  That’s all I have to say right now.

I will love you.

In Christ,

 Heather Lee           

Dear Lord,

Answer her prayers.  Again.  Give her rest.  Again.  Give her trust.  Again.  Give her safety and peace and love.  Again and again and again. 

I love you.

Heather’s Mom