Heather's Journal #48. Untitled. 2-15-08

48

2-15-08

What’s happening2 me?  That’s not necessarily a bad “what’s happening” but more of a good “what’s happening2 me?  LOL.  I’m literally addicted 2 my bible.  I can’t go a day w/out reading it.  I think it’s kinda cool2 have one book you can read 4 the rest of your life.  I’m sitting here thinking about absolutely everything.  From my old life back in Ohio to that night me and Binky stole the car.  It’s enough to lead me to tears – to forever cracking up.

I don’t know where exactly my destiny is at but I have yet2 find out.  I wanna chase God 2/all my heart but I’m kind of afraid2.  I’m afraid of the image I’ll have – and of not being “ashamed” of what I believe but striving for perfection. 

I love Kat n Bec sooo much but I don’t want 2 be like them.  I wanna live fun &  spontaneously 4ever.  And maybe I still can but there’s got to be boundaries. 

Man.  IDK.  I just don’t wanna be like them.  Kathryn is so – black & white with right & wrong.  There’s no in between.  I just want 2 be a Christian & be fun, is that so much2 ask?  I’m still figuring things out while I hang on from one day at a time. 

Oh baby – I’m going shopping today which means everything’s all better.  LOL.  All I wanna do is run from 1 side of the mall2 the other screaming “I love my life.”  LOL.  That’s all the fun I’m looking for.  :-)

I will strive to be better.

In Christ

Heather Marie Lee

Dear Heather,

God created fun and spontaneity. I think He would be happy if it is used responsibly. And if your idea of being a “fun Christian” is running through the mall screaming “I love my life!” I’m pretty sure God would be okay with that. In fact, I know He would. Now the people at the mall – they may have a problem. They might think you are crazy. Not for loving your life, but for running through the mall shouting it to everyone. You might even get arrested for “disturbing the peace!” How ironic would that be?

But compared to the adrenalin rush of stealing your parents car, getting stopped by the police and almost getting hit by a train as you race off into the world to save your best friend from danger – I don’t think it will satisfy your need for freedom and adventure.

I think that what you really want is freedom from the pain. What you want is to feel something. To avoid that numb, superficial feeling that you always seems to follow you.

But remember. You have spent your entire life trying to avoid feeling anything. Now you recognize that it isn’t quite what you bargained for and you want to feel more – but you don’t know how. So you have to do EXTREME things to feel anything.

It doesn’t have to be that way. I think that you are naturally adventurous and daring and risky. That’s really okay. But you need to nurture those qualities in positive ways. If running through the mall will do that for you – go for it. I don’t know if that would be considered “positive” but I also don’t think that it is destructive.

But 5 minutes after you run through the mall screaming – won’t you feel exactly the same as before? Lost. Lonely. Broken. Desperate. You break out into extreme happiness, but it seems to be followed by extreme brokenness.

Your moods shift repeatedly. You are feeling overwhelmed and desperate one day and loving God and recognizing your great life the next. The good days are really good. And the bad days are bad – although interestingly most days you still have a sense of hope – but also a sense of desperation and sorrow.

What is interesting is that those are actually normal feelings for a lot of people – especially hormonal teens – but you experience the extremes of both emotions on a fairly regular basis. My concern is that I think your extremes fall outside the norm for most people.

I don’t think you are bi-polar. It’s not that kind of shift in emotion. It’s seems to be more of a deep search for meaning and purpose in life. That is a long, hard, challenging process for anyone. But you have so much junk and garbage getting in the way – like your attempts to avoid feeling for so long. You are like a baby with your emotions. Some are really new to you and you just don’t know what to do with them.

That’s a lot of info without any real solutions. Sorry. I’m not a psychiatrist or even a counselor. Just a mom to many. Maybe someone else knows what all this means. We just haven’t found them yet.

I also understand that you don’t want to be like Kat or Bec. For the record, Kat has been black and white since birth. She applies the same principals to her faith as she does to everything else in her life. And Bec has always been studious and dependable and not very adventurous. Her nature is to be much more reserved and logical and methodical.

I don’t think any of those words describe the Heather God created. But I don’t think you understand that you could never be like them even if you wanted to. God made you uniquely you. He didn’t make you in their image. He made you in HIS image. There is no one else on earth exactly like you. So you shouldn’t try NOT to be them, any more than you should TRY to be like them. It won’t work. You are you. You just have to figure out who that is! :-)

I can help guide you. I can point out the obvious. I’m pretty sure I can tell you when you are NOT you. But only you will know when you really find yourself!

I love you.

Mom