Heather's Journal #44 - "So This is it Huh--" 2-6-08

44

“So This is it Huh--”

2-6-08

For the past few days I’ve been staring into space w/out any energy @ all to make a facial expression.  It’s like my life is so predictable.  I’m beginning 2 hate it but I’m gonna take care of it – I went to church 2day and prayed. Since then I feel sooo much better. 

I wonder if it’s like, suuuper bad 2 know you’re gonna sin but u still choose 2 do it.  I mean is that double bad?  My mind is bouncing from thought to thought and I feel lost again.

What do I have 2 rely on?!? I’m sick of all these ups & downs.  I just wanna stay happy.  I feel like if I don’t have something 2 do or go 2 then my source of survival is cut off. 

What the heck?!? Shouldn’t God be enough?  I know He should & He is @ times but what do I do 2 make things go down hill again?  Is it merely time that does it 2 me or staying in my room attacking my mind w/ never ending questions?

This whole teenage life is just dumb.  I just hope I make it out alive.  Mom n Dad are driving me crazy.  They don’t know what I need even when I try 2 xplain it.  I feel pushed aside which I guess is ok since I’ve already caused them so much time & trouble over the yrs. But I need 2 survive.  It’s my life we’re talking about here – not some pony I’ve been asking 4 since I was 3.

*I’m gonna try 2 continue 2 strive to be better.

Heather Marie Lee

Dear Heather,

Dad and I are driving you crazy again? Not really a surprise. I’m not sure how to avoid that part of being a teenager. It kind of goes with the territory. And most of the time the feeling is mutual. :-)

When you were younger we just expected you to obey us. We didn’t ask for your opinions about our parenting style. We parent the way we think that we are supposed to – but we aren’t perfect. Now, we still expect you to obey, but we want to teach you to make your own decisions at the same time. Our own frustrations and emotions get involved and we don’t do everything very well at times. Sometimes a lot of the time. We have to account for that sin with God and I’m not sure how I will justify it. :-)

The deal is that while you are trying to figure out who you are and what you believe, we are still feeling responsible for trying to guide you. We have our own agenda. Our own set of duties and obligations. And they may not be consistent with your agenda. That’s part of growing up. We have to work through all this stuff. It’s not usually very easy - which is why it isn’t much fun!

As for not knowing what you need – I’m sorry. The truth is I don’t know exactly what you need. I’m not sure you do either. Your emotions change with the wind. Your feelings go from one extreme to the other. What makes you feel better one second is what causes you to go postal the next minute. It’s complicated and we don’t have the answers.

I know.  I know. You hate when I say that. But it’s true. I don’t know how to fix all the problems.

But let me dare to ask? Can you write into words exactly what it is you think that you need from us? Maybe if you can write it, we will both have a better idea of what you think you need.

Interestingly, you asked if it is double bad to know you are going to sin and then choose to do it anyway? That’s an interesting question. I’m not sure this is the complete biblical answer to that question – but based on what I do know – I can say two things: First, your sins have already been paid in full by Jesus when he died on the cross. You will live in eternity with God. BUT…. And here’s the but in life again … you do have to account for your sins in heaven and live with the consequences here on earth.

You know what I find interesting? I think you answer your own question. The double bad part of choosing to sin is how you feel about yourself when you do that. I don’t think you need to worry about whether me or dad or God will be disappointed, because you hate yourself for making that choice. So yea, in a sense it is double bad. Maybe even triple bad.

Can you picture standing in front of God and saying, “Yep God. It was a rough day. I didn’t really feel like dealing with my parents griping at me so I just lied to make it easier. What’s the big deal anyway? It’s not like I haven’t lied a million times before. It’s not like they really believe me anyway. So yea. That’s my excuse. You're good with that, right?”

What I really see is the impact of your sin in your daily life. You are miserable. You hate yourself for choosing to sin. You want to stop, but you don’t know how. The irony is that you are looking to feel good. I think you actually said you want to “stay happy.” But what would a happy life look like to you? What would you be doing? What makes you truly happy?

And I don’t mean the chocolate milk tastes good and lying in the street in the rain is so much fun kind of happy. I’m talking about the kind of happiness that comes from being truly content and satisfied with yourself and others. And God. What do you think it would take to be that kind of happy?

Sadly, Christianity is not the solution to all of life’s problems. Becoming a Christian does not make us instantly happy with our lives. I think it is more of a solution to our death problem.

Okay. I just wrote that and I’m not sure where that came from. That happens a lot when I write. I just type and the words flow from me. Then I have to re-read them and take them apart to figure out what they mean. 

I think I will stop here and think about this.  Then finish my letter....

I love you. 

Back after I think...

Mom