Heather's Journal #43 - "90 Miles Outside Chicago, Can't Stop Drivin'..." January 31, 2008

43

“90 Miles Outside Chicago, can’t stop drivin’.  I don’t know why? So many questions I need an answer.  2 years later.  You’re still on my mind.”  SOURCE ???

January 31, 2008

Another day ~ I woke up this morning think it was gunna be a crap day but surprisingly it wasn’t.  I mean it wasn’t amazing or nothin’, just not as bad as I thought it was gunna be.  I’m not really sure where my mind has been these past couple a days.  Tonight I’m gunna take a while focusing 100% on God & ask forgiveness.  I think that might be my problem.  I need sum Jesus.  Lol.

Where has my life of fun gone?!?!?  All my friends seem to be disappearing faster than ever.  I used2 be so bubbly and now – everything’s the same.  Same school.  Same frusterations.  Same solutions.  Same thoughts.  Everything.  I mean I’m happy, but when will things go my way?  I wanna go back 2 my kind of fun.  Nots bad fun – just that ‘let it all go’ kind of feeling.

Stress has consumed me & now – I’m taking control again.  I’m finally happy.  It’s time I start acting more like it.  This weekend is gonna be pimp.  I’m gonna worship God with all my heart & live not4 this world, but4 me.  Oh ya baby.  Dat’s my style.  J 

I will strive be better.

In Christ

Heather Marie Lee

Dear Heather,

Wow, Girl!  You are so confusing. You sound like part Jesus Freak and part Old Self.  Which I guess is fairly accurate.  We are all a little of both. :-)

Okay.  Let me see if I understand. Or if I can write it.

You love God.  You want to follow Him.  You know that you are miserable without Him.

But… and there is always a but… you also want to have a good time and feel free and easy without worries or pressure.  Somehow.  Loving God isn’t quite giving you the level of excitement that you think that you want. 

You want new and exciting things to happen so you can feel alive.  You don’t want bad exciting, but good exciting.  But you aren’t exactly sure what that means.  So, you aren’t even sure you would know it if you see it. 

You are bored by the routine of every day. 

Same school.  The funny thing is the kids who have to change schools all the time are wishing they could stay in the same place.  That is “the grass is always greener” problem I mentioned the other day.

Same frustrations. (Oh Boy!  I so wish I could stop having the same frustrating things happen all the time.) I’m convinced that the only way to solve this problem is to stop getting frustrated by the things I can’t change.  That’s so easy to say and so so so hard to accomplish!  Did I mention it was hard?  I haven’t figured that out.  Let me know if you do.

Same solutions.  I guess that is true. They are the same solutions because they are the right solutions.  But like I said.  Easier said than done. 

Same thoughts.  Again.  Becoming  a Christian means that we lose our old self and become a new self in God’s image.  But there is now a battle from within. Our old self is constantly struggling to expose itself.  Our new self is easily able to win the battle.  But what do we do?  We have an internal battle that consumes us if we let it.  Thus, the same thoughts!?!

Does that about sum it up? 

Now, the next sentence is a little more challenging for me. You said, “I mean I’m happy, but when will things go my way?”

Huh?

If you are happy then you are happy even though things don’t go your way.  If you are already happy, what will you gain from things going your way?  I’m confused.

Oh well.  I guess I’ll have to be satisfied being confused.  You might unconfuse me tomorrow!

I love you.  

Mom