If you see this and have not read Part 1, I suggest you scroll down and read it first.
On January 1,
2011, I was at the beach with my parents and many of my kids on our traditional
after Christmas beach trip. As
often happens when I’m away from home, I had some time to think about my
relationship with Heather. She was
still mad about me not taking her to Texas. She was mad because we didn’t agree on her college plan. Basically, she was mad at me about
everything. We couldn’t speak
without her stomping off.
Part of the
problem was that I had reached a frustration level with her and I was tired of
listening to the same problems come up repeatedly – mainly related to her
judgment about people and ideas.
She wanted so much to be an adult and make her own decisions. But she also wanted the freedom to live
and make mistakes and have fun like a kid. Without some serious judgment and maturity – that’s a messy
mix.
Other than the
Texas boyfriend issue – which hadn’t been discussed since the night I let her
know that I had no intention of letting her drive to Texas by herself -- or of
going with her -- we had been talking about her future plans, which was another
touchy subject.
So, I was
thinking about what I could do to improve my relationship with Heather. I was also thinking about why I was so
angry with her. I talked to both
of my parents and my husband and asked them if there was anything left for me
to do for Heather. I wanted to
know if I had left any stone unturned. Failed to do
anything that might help her.
Through hours of
discussion, my mom concluded that there was nothing left for me to do. I had tried everything. For me, that was quite freeing, because
knowing that I had done all I could do allowed me to let go of my anger. I was angry because I wasn’t
successful. Recognizing – again -
that it isn’t my job to make her succeed – only to give her the tools to do so
– made me instantly less frustrated.
Then I talked to
my dad. Not surprisingly, he had a
little different view. Although he
didn’t think there was anything we hadn’t tried with Heather - in 12 years, he
had only witnessed Heather’s sweet side.
He had always heard the “Heather stories,” but he rarely experienced her
conduct or poor judgment first hand.
My Dad felt like
we “set her up for failure” by telling her that she couldn’t accomplish certain
things or by joking about her bad judgment. And we had done those things. My husband always made “dumb
blond” jokes about Heather. (We
learned after she died --she loved her dad’s blond jokes!) When she did something crazy or that
lacked total judgment, we would say – “What else would you expect from
Heather?” We laughed at her reasoning skills. Like when she texted me and
said: “I was 29 points away from
making an A in speech class, so I got a B.” But these were never intended to be
mean-spirited.
We also told her
that she wasn’t academically prepared for college because of her decisions in
high school. We didn’t say she
couldn’t do it – only that past decisions had affected her current desires and
she needed to do more to reach her ultimate goal.
We didn’t think
of those words as causing the problem.
Our biggest issue with Heather was that we never thought she met her
potential. And that’s all we have
ever wanted for her. We didn’t
care whether she got a four-year degree.
We didn’t care if she was the best student in high school. We didn’t care if she was a garbage
collector. All we cared about was
that she used the gifts God gave her to be whoever God wanted her to be. Whoever and whatever that was.
Even though I
didn’t necessarily agree with my dad’s assessment, I took that information
under advisement and even told Heather what he said. And I became more aware of what we said about and to her
over the next few weeks.
Things got a lot
better after my January 1 conversations.
Miraculously, I wasn’t mad at Heather anymore and that helped me deal
with her much better. I had finally
turned Heather completely over to God and no longer felt like I was required to
solve her problems. Actually, I
should say that I released her to God -- again. It seems to be a continuous and daily process because I’ve
been doing that for years!
So the next two
weeks, which actually turned out to be our last two weeks together, showed a
marked change in our relationship – at least from the past few months. We could actually talk without her
stomping out.
In what was an
odd turn of events, Heather’s birth father called me on January 6, 2011, and
told me that Heather had just called him – very upset. Heather’s relationship with her father
had been developing since the preceeding summer when she turned 18. Birth
families are a fact of life when you adopt older children. It’s not like you can pretend their
memories don’t exist. So we had
known her father since we adopted Heather. He had called and written her letters over the years. We had taken Heather to see him and the
rest of the family three times since we adopted her.
When she was old
enough, we didn’t require details, we just tried to guide the developing
relationship with her father.
I knew Heather wanted to believe her Daddy P was safe and loved her.
Anyway, I wasn’t
alarmed that her father called me.
Over the years we had spoken many times before and he called me once
before when he thought I might need to know something important that Heather
had confided in him. Although our
relationship had been strained when Heather was younger – mainly because we had
so many unanswered questions about Heather’s past – since we had all spent a
few days together the previous summer and because Heather was older, I think we
both felt better able to speak more freely.
Anyway, Heather’s
biological father was openly supportive of Heather and our family. When she
asked if she could come stay with him for a while shortly before she died, he
told her that she was with her family and needed to stay. As far as I know, he
never tried to convince her that she should have been with him. Even though he
told Heather that he did not want her to be adopted when he signed the adoption
papers.
Anyway, Heather
had just been contacted by her boyfriend’s new girlfriend on Facebook and found
out that he had been cheating on her.
Her Daddy P just wanted me to know that she was very upset. Both he and I knew it wasn’t normal for
Heather to call him first. So she must have been desperate. That’s why he called to warn me. He didn’t know just how desperate she
might be.
I suspected that she
called him before telling anyone here because she knew we didn’t like her
relationship. She was
broken-hearted because the boyfriend turned out to be the “wrong guy for her”
and she wasn’t ready to hear that.
Her birth dad was
a safe person because she had intentionally only told him the good things about
her boyfriend. Heather tended to
separate parts of her life and only tell certain people cerain things in an
effort to maintain her idea of control.
She needed someone to support the relationship, so she didn’t tell her
birth dad the negative things about her relationship that she had told me – I
presume so that she would have at least one person who didn’t have any reason
to dislike him.
But the call from
her birth dad was helpful. Instead
of waiting on Heather to tell me, I decided to initiate the conversation about
her boyfriend and create an opportunity for her to tell me. I knew that she was
afraid I would be secretly happy and that I might say “I told you so….” And I must
confess I have said that before.
But I had time to ponder the best approach without letting my immediate
feelings interfere, so I texted her.
That was usually a safe way to communicate.
January 6, 2011
Me: So what is going on
with you and your boyfriend?
Heather: He just has another girlfriend in Texas
I found out about so I dumped him.
Me: Wow. How did you find out?
Heather: She asked me on fb if I was the girl he
used to date and it went from there. U were right mom. I’m sorry.
Me: Double wow! I guess I don’t have to drive to Texas anymore!?! Lol.
Heather: Haha. Good one mom.
Me: I’m always right sweetheart! I just have to wait for you to figure
it out!!! Lol.
And for the
record – I do care enough to hate what I know is bad for you.
Heather: Ha-ha and that’s what makes a good mom
though. Well haaaate away!
Me: Hate is a strong emotion reserved for
when someone cares enough to be angry.
That’s me.
Heather: I see. I see. Maybe
since you can pick out the perfect cat for me, u can pick out the perfect
boyfriend?
Me: Good point. But why don’t we just wait til you are ready and I’ll pick
out the perfect husband?
Btw. I’m going to frame the last text.
Heather: Ha-ha. Cuz I need
someone to buy me stuff. Duh!
Ha-ha. U should frame it. I cannot believe u were right. It kinda pisses me off but oh well. Ha.
Me: It pisses me off when I’m right too…
cuz I’m not patient enuf to wait for everyone else to figure out what I seem to
know instantly. It’s called
discernment and I got that gift in full.
Ask dad about that. He
takes a long time to think about what he thinks and I’ve moved on. Then, if after thinking, he agrees with
me - everyone thinks he’s just
following me and can’t think for himself.
Heather: Mm it’s tough for
everybody. Hahahaha.
Gotta love dad!
A little later…
Heather: He’s really upset and his mom called
me. He just falls apart when I get
mad at him, but it’s just not ok for him to do that. So I’m worried about how he’ll react, but I’m so not with
him.
It just sucks cuz
it really hurt my feelings. I
don’t need him though. At least I’m smart enough to realize that much.
Me: When did this happen?
Heather: Yesterday. How did
you find out?
A little later…
Heather: I can’t eat anything.
Me: Why?
Heather: Just upset. It’s makin’ me feel sick.
Me: Don’t drink sugary
stuff. Try crackers. Hot tea. So, are you angry,
disappointed, questioning your judgment, feeling betrayed…. What?
Heather: Ok. I’ll try those.
I’m everything but questioning my judgment. My feelings just got hurt and everything. I would have done anything for him.
Me: So the fb pic of you burning a torn
photo of him isn’t a clue to how you feel is it?
Heather: Lol. Yeeessss!
Me: Did the other girl break up too? Is he
still in the group home? I’m
curious about how she knew about you.
Heather: Well, I
wrote on his wall and said I’m in love with you and she messaged me on fb after
that. When I told her that we were still dating she said she was sorry and had
no idea so she’s not with him anymore.
She was gunna confront him at school but he skipped today. And yes, he’s still there.
The worst part is
that I knew he cared so much but no teenage guy has the ability to be in a
long-distance relationship. I lost
him the day he moved. Ohhh well
though.
Me: How long did she date
him?
Heather: I don’t even know.
Heather said she
was fine and “so not with him”, but she was also devastated. Everything we had
ever told her about why we didn’t think this boy was good for her was now
proving true. This was the worst
possible turn of events for her.
After that text
conversation, she didn’t say much about the situation. She worked a lot. She went out with friends often. One night she drove to the University
where two of her close friends were to spend the night. As I was looking through my old texts,
I saw that I sent her a message that night telling her to “be my kind of
careful” driving because it was super cold and there could be ice on the
roads. Her only response, “I
will.”
So basically,
after breaking up with what she thought was the love of her life – the boy she
thought she would marry - she did what she usually did and tried to act happy
in spite of her sorrow.
A few days later
we had one of our random text conversations. In retrospect, it was prophetic.
I was stressing
out over I don’t know which child or birth mom who was making crazy decisions
and I sent out a text plea to three of my older children. I was really just venting, which I sometimes
do with the older kids who I know understand my craziness. In this case, the issue didn’t involve
Heather directly, so I sent it to her too!
Text between me
and Heather, January 11, 2011:
Me: I’m having lots of trouble holding my
tongue and keeping my opinions to myself.
Any suggestions? I’m so
sick of stupid decisions (by others of course!) Lol.
Heather: R u talking about
me or something?
Me: Everyone. I’m so tired of disagreeing and I’m so overwhelmed by the
number of people in my life making bad decisions. Not you in particular!
Lol.
Heather: Oh. I was like what did I do this time? Mom, there’s nothing u can do to change
our decisions but be a good example yourself. We’ll all eventually learn. Just love us at the end of the
day.
Me: What about my feeling of responsibility
to those affected by the bad decisions – including their children?
Heather: Then voice your opinion just like u
always have but then just leave the rest up to God. He always takes care of his children. You don’t have to do all the work.
Me: True.
A few minutes later…
Me: I just got off the phone with
TayTay. She gets the award for
funniest advice. She said, “If
someone asks for your opinion, just say in a Madea-like tone, “Hell, I don’t
have no idea. Then start talking
about all your own problems!
That’ll shut them up.”
Heather: LOL I’m so glad for her kind of perspective. Goshhhhh! That’s the truth!!
Me: I laughed
hysterically. She had the perfect
Madea voice.
Heather: Hahaaa love heeeer!
Part 3 will be posted simultaneously
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