Heather's Journal #52. "Once Upon A Time" 2008

52

Once Upon A Time ~

A gorgeous princess dreams here today

Fantasizing her life 20 years from now

With a satisfying smile upon her face

Forgetting old memories and past mistakes

She longs for the best

And holds no complaints.

The bark of the thunder soon bring her back

Re-uniting with reality

She once again is flooded with everything that she lacks

All the same words come crashing in

Replacing her dreams

She remembers that same desperation for sin

No way out even when she’s on her knees

Complaining to her soul

She soon cries herself to sleep

Unsatisfactory consumes her memory

Nothing has driven her to stop

Leaving her in growing fake beauty

When her king is supposed to be shaping her heart

She is left drowning rapidly

Suffocating her and separating them further apart

So fortunate to be in sweet sweet royalty

Her unlucky Soul is Cursed 
( handwritten to the side: “I’m not cursed. I’m Blessed by Jesus Christ !)

Which forces her under the enemy

Save her from this beast from below

Who echos evil in her ears

And complete her life bestowed

She has been so strong but is falling faster than ever

Forcing contentment can only last so long

Rescue her so her fairy tale ends happily every after.

Heather's Journal #51. "Living in the Silence Before the Storm." Source? No date.

51

“Living in the Silence Before the Storm.”  Source?

No Date

So why does death feel like its staring at me right between the eyes?  Another kid died in a car wreck at Chelsea High School.  I just got finished reading his girlfriend’s MySpace & it made me cry.  Kids my age aren’t supposed to die & when they do, it makes me realize death is coming4 all of us & there’s no stopping it.  But I’ve felt this way for a couple of weeks now – like someone who’s close2 me is gonna die & I know I won’t be able to handle it.  I don’t know what I’m gonna do.  I just pray these feelings are all wrong.

I’ve gotta switch topics.  Last night there was this huge storm that kept everyone up in the house.  I woke up & stared out the window while I cuddled with Lolla.  She makes me feel not so alone. 

Yea.  Even though I’m in a house full of people I still find myself being lonely.  Life is in slow motion right now.  I mean nothing’s gone completely wrong2 make me feel out of place.  It’s just that I’m trying2 find myself.

Surviving each day w/ a smile is my goal right now.  I mean – you never really know when it could be your last.  One day this will all blow over & everyday won’t feel so melancholy.  I just wanna know what I can do2 speed up the process.

I will strive to be better.

In Christ,

Heather Lee

Dear Heather,

It makes everyone so sad when someone young dies.  It just seems so unfair.  Like they didn’t get a chance to experience all this world has to offer.  You guys usually feel so invincible – like nothing bad will ever happen to you even when you do dangerous or risky things.  I read that the part of your brain that can evaluate the real consequences of your actions doesn’t develop until your mid-teens.  That might explain why ya’ll do things when we think that you should know better!

Ever since my car accident I’ve been afraid that one of my kids will die in a car accident.  I hate that feeling and I hate living in fear.  But it does affect the decisions I make for ya’ll. I know the risks and I’m just not willing to take them.  That’s why we don’t allow ya’ll to drive with anyone until you have had your license for 6 months.  And the reason we don’t let you have more than one extra person in the car for a while after that.  And why you can’t drive with the radio on until you have been driving a year.  And why we teach you not to do anything while you’re driving – including changing the heat/air controls.

All we are trying to do is eliminate all the obvious problems.  But nothing is a guarantee.  We can try to keep you safe – but it doesn’t mean you won’t die in a car accident.  I hate that feeling.

The really sad part is that the kids you knew died from avoidable mistakes – but mistakes that are common for inexperienced kids who are more interested in having a good time than protecting their lives.  What is really hard is that in both cases, the kid that died wasn’t the driver.  That makes it so so so hard for the driver that lived. Imagine how you would feel if you knew that your mistake killed your best friend. I never want you to be in that position.  Again.  I can’t guarantee it won’t happen – but I have a responsibility to try to help you avoid it.

I love you.

Mom

Heather's Journal #50. "I'm finding out that maybe I was wrong...." No Date

50

“I’m finding out that maybe I was wrong.  That I’ve fallen down and I can’t do this alone.  Stay with me please.  This is what I need.  This heart, it beats for only you.  My heart is yours.”  [Source?]

No Date

This notebook is full of pages from good days to bad – yet I still feel like I’m at square one.  Everything I’ve wanted is all a mess now… I don’t even wanna go2 school anymore. I’m happy here, but I find myself wanting2 pack up & move2 somewhere exotic.  Mom thinks I just wanna create a new identity, so no one knows my past.  But that’s not completely accurate.  I don’t care who knows about my past.  I just wanna get away. 

I used2 just want something new.  But even that doesn’t sound satisfying enough.  I want new faces, new clothes, new ideas, new places – same me.  Just different things. 

Well, maybe one day.  For now, I’ll just try n be content here.  I’m happy w/ my Jesus, but I will feel lonely here on earth. 

Everyone seems2 be leaving & I want to go too.  But I’m stuck here.  I don’t wanna go2 highschool anymore b/c all the people are the same.

Ah – IDK  Whateeeeever!

I will strive to be better.

In Christ

Heather Marie Lee

“I wanna dance w/ him in the street & just forget it all.”

Dear Heather,

I know that you like knew and exciting things.  They make you feel good – at least for a moment.  But I bet you could have a new experience every hour and you would get bored of the constant new experiences.  :-)  I  like new and exciting things too.  There is nothing wrong with that – as long as it isn’t a substitute for dealing with reality.

I thought you wanted a place where no one knew your past because I think you would love to create a new you.  Well, not really new.  But the happy, carefree person you think that you want to be.  You don’t want to be held back by your past.  So, I was thinking that the urge to leave may be more related to the freedom that comes with a fresh start. 

I know that you don’t care if other people know about your past.  But you are so busy trying to forget and ignore it that it would be easier if no one else knew. 

Unfortunately, your problems won’t leave you.  They just follow you to the next place until you deal with them.  Kind of like an annoying mosquito.  Or a troublesome child. :-)

I love you.

Mom

Heather's Journal #49. "11:11p.m. I Wished My Best Friend Would Come Back2 Me One Day." 2-20-08

49

“11:11 p.m.  I wished my best friend would
 come back2 me one day.”

2-20-08

Okay.  So I’ve been struggling with not talking2 Mac a lot this week & it’s been eating me alive.  Tonight I layed it all down2 Christ and I prayed He’d take it away from me.  I screwed up with Mac & I regret it.  But I know God is faithful & loving so I trust He’ll make the best of things.

I wrote on about 20 individual flash cards all my mistakes.  I wrote things like – 4 every hug, 4 every phone call, 4 every moment of silence, 4 every laugh, 4 every stare, every stupid joke, every kiss, every I love you & every moment I didn’t put my Lord God 1^st. 

Then I prayed that God would release me from what I was hangin’ on to and that He would strengthen me.  That He wouldn’t necessarily make me 4get about Mac, but that He would help me let go of him.  It’s all I can do. 

Mac will never realize how much he meant to me & how amazing I thought he was.  Maybe he’ll talk2 me one day, but 4 now it’s goodbye. 

I’m so sick of these stupid relationships – I want a guy who’s gonna be my leader.  A guy who is love with God.  A guy who’s perfect for me.   

All I want is 2 go through with this whole love thing the right way.  And right now it’s not happening.  But of course,  I’m only 15!  But I promise I’ll know when the right guy comes along.  (At least I hope.) 

So babe – when you read this, know I’m thinkin’ of you & I’m tryin my best 2 be pure & put God 1^st.  I’m savin’ myself4 only you because I know that you’ll be just that worth it. :-)

It’s hard2 set yourself apart from this world & follow who you’re called2 be.  But I will always get back up when I fail.  I’ll never stop running back2 Christ.  I’m gonna like more guys & fall short in weakness, but I pray I’ll put God 1^st.  That I’ll stay pure.  That’s I’ll wear this purity ring til I get married.  I want2 live a Christian life.  I wanna chase God with everything I have.  Even if that means letting go of someone you loved.  Sometimes goodbye’s the only way.  You gotta let’em go2 c if they’ll come back2 you.

I will strive2 be better.

In Christ

Heather Lee

Dear Heather,

You sound so mature and you nailed it.  It is so hard to set yourself apart from what the rest of the world is doing.  At times it all looks like so much fun.  And the truth is sometimes it really is more fun than doing what you know is right – at least at the moment.  But you have an advantage over most people because you already know how unhappy you are when you choose the world’s way over God’s way. 

And the funny thing is that you probably don’t feel guilty because you think God will be mad at you. He won’t be mad.  He might be disappointed, but He has already made the ultimate sacrifice to save us from our sins.  That’s why his Son – Jesus - died on the cross. I guess it’s kind of a waste of God’s time to get angry after he already took care of the problem once and for all. 

So, living the world’s way makes us unhappy -- but not because we are afraid.  It makes us unhappy because we love someone very much and when we do something to disappoint them -  most of us eventually become angry with ourselves for hurting and disrespecting someone we love.

As for all the things we do wrong – I wish I could fit my mistakes on 20 note cards.  It would probably take about 200 per day and that’s only if I count the bigger stuff!  But once again, you show that you really understand your problem. 

I noticed that you apologized for hugging and kissing and laughing and other things that really aren’t wrong – in the right situation.  But that’s the important part – some things that seem wrong are only wrong in the wrong situation.  Like sex.  Before marriage it is wrong.  After marriage you can do it as often as you want. 

The most important thing you said was that you were sorry for not putting God first.  That’s all that it really amounts to.  You knew that you were going after what you wanted with this guy– not what was right for you.  That’s very wise.

What’s so funny is that you seem to be attracted to boys that are exactly the opposite of the kind of person you say you want.  Starting with a guy that loves God.  Isn’t this the same guy you have been praying will accept Christ for the last year?  Did something change? 

And wasn’t it just a few months ago (December 15 to be exact) that you listed all the qualities you want in a permanent mate?  Does Mac meet your own standards?

I don’t know who God has in mind for you, but I can be absolutely sure that God will not match you up for life with a non-Christian permanently.  The bible tells us that we should not be “unequally yoked.”  This is kind of a core issue for marriage.    

All that means is that Christian’s should not marry non-Christians because it will cause a lot of misery. It’s not that non-Christians aren’t “good enough.”  And it also doesn’t mean you can’t associate with or be friends with non-Christians – which some people might try to tell you.  Non-Christians are made in the image of God just like you.  And if you don’t associate with non-Christians – how can you ever share Christ with them? 

The only limit is marriage. 

Think about it.  If you are committed to following Christ and understand that you must follow Him to be happy, but you also commit your married life to someone who does not share your beliefs – can you imagine how stressful that would be for you? 

Think about how much you worried about Mac because he was a non-believer.  Think about how responsible you felt for leading him to Christ.  Think about how long this has been going on.  Imagine living that way for the rest of your life.  It is not a good recipe for marriage.  (Of course, he could change.  But you don’t know that.)

I know that you know at least one married person in that situation right now and you have watched her struggle.  And divorce isn’t an option either.   Sometimes, the story ends well.  But sometimes it doesn’t. 

And it is really really hard if a woman believes that her husband should be the leader of the family.  Can you imagine putting yourself under the authority of a husband who does not believe in God and someone who may not even be aware that he needs a Savior? How hard would it be to follow a husband who is not at all worried about leading you away from God.

That’s why it is not wise to be unequal partners when it comes to faith.

That’s enough of the hard stuff for now.  We have much more to discuss but not now.

I love You.

Mom 

P.S.  Is the “babe” you address in letter referring to your future husband?  If so, that is really a sweet thought.  I’m sure he’d appreciate it.

Heather's Journal #48. Untitled. 2-15-08

48

2-15-08

What’s happening2 me?  That’s not necessarily a bad “what’s happening” but more of a good “what’s happening2 me?  LOL.  I’m literally addicted 2 my bible.  I can’t go a day w/out reading it.  I think it’s kinda cool2 have one book you can read 4 the rest of your life.  I’m sitting here thinking about absolutely everything.  From my old life back in Ohio to that night me and Binky stole the car.  It’s enough to lead me to tears – to forever cracking up.

I don’t know where exactly my destiny is at but I have yet2 find out.  I wanna chase God 2/all my heart but I’m kind of afraid2.  I’m afraid of the image I’ll have – and of not being “ashamed” of what I believe but striving for perfection. 

I love Kat n Bec sooo much but I don’t want 2 be like them.  I wanna live fun &  spontaneously 4ever.  And maybe I still can but there’s got to be boundaries. 

Man.  IDK.  I just don’t wanna be like them.  Kathryn is so – black & white with right & wrong.  There’s no in between.  I just want 2 be a Christian & be fun, is that so much2 ask?  I’m still figuring things out while I hang on from one day at a time. 

Oh baby – I’m going shopping today which means everything’s all better.  LOL.  All I wanna do is run from 1 side of the mall2 the other screaming “I love my life.”  LOL.  That’s all the fun I’m looking for.  :-)

I will strive to be better.

In Christ

Heather Marie Lee

Dear Heather,

God created fun and spontaneity. I think He would be happy if it is used responsibly. And if your idea of being a “fun Christian” is running through the mall screaming “I love my life!” I’m pretty sure God would be okay with that. In fact, I know He would. Now the people at the mall – they may have a problem. They might think you are crazy. Not for loving your life, but for running through the mall shouting it to everyone. You might even get arrested for “disturbing the peace!” How ironic would that be?

But compared to the adrenalin rush of stealing your parents car, getting stopped by the police and almost getting hit by a train as you race off into the world to save your best friend from danger – I don’t think it will satisfy your need for freedom and adventure.

I think that what you really want is freedom from the pain. What you want is to feel something. To avoid that numb, superficial feeling that you always seems to follow you.

But remember. You have spent your entire life trying to avoid feeling anything. Now you recognize that it isn’t quite what you bargained for and you want to feel more – but you don’t know how. So you have to do EXTREME things to feel anything.

It doesn’t have to be that way. I think that you are naturally adventurous and daring and risky. That’s really okay. But you need to nurture those qualities in positive ways. If running through the mall will do that for you – go for it. I don’t know if that would be considered “positive” but I also don’t think that it is destructive.

But 5 minutes after you run through the mall screaming – won’t you feel exactly the same as before? Lost. Lonely. Broken. Desperate. You break out into extreme happiness, but it seems to be followed by extreme brokenness.

Your moods shift repeatedly. You are feeling overwhelmed and desperate one day and loving God and recognizing your great life the next. The good days are really good. And the bad days are bad – although interestingly most days you still have a sense of hope – but also a sense of desperation and sorrow.

What is interesting is that those are actually normal feelings for a lot of people – especially hormonal teens – but you experience the extremes of both emotions on a fairly regular basis. My concern is that I think your extremes fall outside the norm for most people.

I don’t think you are bi-polar. It’s not that kind of shift in emotion. It’s seems to be more of a deep search for meaning and purpose in life. That is a long, hard, challenging process for anyone. But you have so much junk and garbage getting in the way – like your attempts to avoid feeling for so long. You are like a baby with your emotions. Some are really new to you and you just don’t know what to do with them.

That’s a lot of info without any real solutions. Sorry. I’m not a psychiatrist or even a counselor. Just a mom to many. Maybe someone else knows what all this means. We just haven’t found them yet.

I also understand that you don’t want to be like Kat or Bec. For the record, Kat has been black and white since birth. She applies the same principals to her faith as she does to everything else in her life. And Bec has always been studious and dependable and not very adventurous. Her nature is to be much more reserved and logical and methodical.

I don’t think any of those words describe the Heather God created. But I don’t think you understand that you could never be like them even if you wanted to. God made you uniquely you. He didn’t make you in their image. He made you in HIS image. There is no one else on earth exactly like you. So you shouldn’t try NOT to be them, any more than you should TRY to be like them. It won’t work. You are you. You just have to figure out who that is! :-)

I can help guide you. I can point out the obvious. I’m pretty sure I can tell you when you are NOT you. But only you will know when you really find yourself!

I love you.

Mom

Heather's Journal #47. "Let me Light up the Sky..." February 12, 2008

47

“Let me light up the sky, Light it up for you.  Lemme tell you which I wud die 4 you.”  Source?

February 12, 2008

So things are getting back2 normal which is good.  I’m trying 2 survive without Mac – I can do it.  I know where I’m going w/ my life and I’m excited2 live it.  I wanna produce a movie one day – I have it in my mind one day I’m gonna make it happen. :-)

For now, I have 2 focus on who I hang out with – which is sooo very hard cuz I like everyone. 

Man- all I wanna do is hang out with Mac and make everything ok but I can’t.  I have2 let him go2 c if he’ll come back2 me.  I know he probably won’t but maybe – just maybe he will if I keep my fingers crossed.  It’s so hard but it’s in God’s hands now.  And I trust Him.

I’m trying 2 be my happy-go lucky self so I don’t drown myself in tears.  Last night I cried myself2 sleep.  Mac’s never hurt my feelings so bad b4.  I talked 2 Mike about it & he helped me. :-)  I’m hangin’ in here.

I’m gonna stuff my face w/ ice cream 2night, go2 church 2mrw night, do somethin’ Thursday night.  And Ray n Tab r spending the night Saturday night.  I’m set4 the week.  :-)  I’m just gonna worry about 2 day though.  I’m prayin4 strength2 get through this ….  Honestly hope he comes back2 me.  If not I’m movin’ on.  I just hope he comes back.

I will strive to be better.

In Christ,

Heather Marie Lee

Dear Heather,

You are wise to wait on him.  He is angry.  But he is angry because he is not ready to accept help for his problems.  He sees his parents as his enemy and you as their helper.  However, you have known for a long time that he needs to get help.  You have put him on that track.  He may not appreciate it for quite some time. 

You did the right thing.  For Mac.  For yourself.  For his Family.  Let God handle him now.

I love you.

Mom

Heather's Journal #46 - "I'm Alive!" 2-10-08

46

“I’m Alive!”

2-10-08

Ah! (2 days after the car incident).  Me n Binky just got our punishment & I’m happy2 say we’re both still alive.  My mind feels @ peace.  Today, I called Mac’s dad & told him the situation and it turned out2 be exactly what I needed to do!

I prayed about it and everything led me2 tell him.  His dad wasn’t even that surprised because he already suspected something, he just didn’t have any real proof. 

But yea,   I think my weekend has been a lil’ more than just wild but I find it kind of funny – how much of the brains that I have that I never really use.  

I just thank God that He protected me & Binky.  The police car.  The railroad tracks.  The ditch.  Everything was enough2 scare us2 death.  But it was most definitely a learning experience and I’m gonna actually start talking to my parents before I go an do something like this again.  Wow.  I’m gonna go rest since this is all over4 the main part.  

I will strive to be better – even though I’m a d.a.

In Christ,

Heather Marie Lee

Dear Heather,

I don’t remember the exact date, but sometime around October 1, 2007 – right about the time you started keeping this journal – you thought process was pretty much the same as it has been lately.  Act without thinking and hope for the best. 

In 2007, your actions got you stripped of all the stuff that was cluttering your life and helping you make bad decisions. (Remember the Bed, Bible, Blanket Drill?)  I didn’t know it at the time, but that consequence got you on a track where you started thinking about things at a much deeper level.  It brought you closer to God.  It made you aware of what mattered in your life.  It’s when you started writing.

Believe it or not, we weren’t trying to punish you – although I’m sure it felt like we were.  It was a consequence designed to help you find the right path for yourself. Taking away your phone and your computer removed some of your opportunities to make middle of the night decisions that didn’t make sense.  Removing all the physical stuff forced you to focus on yourself.  Keeping you from going places forced you to spend more time with the family – at least if you wanted to come out of your room.

Basically, it worked.  But it wasn’t a miracle cure.  You still need lots of guidance.  You are still only 15-years-old.

In thinking about your consequences and your safety for your latest antics, it seems logical that we destroy your permit and stop teaching you to drive until you are mature enough to make good decisions that don’t endanger your life and the life of others who are unlucky enough to be on the road when you make really bad decisions. 

If the policeman who was following you had figured out that you didn’t have a license and that you had stolen the car, you would have gone to juvenile detention and the state would not allowed you to apply for a driver’s license for 2 years. 

You escaped the civil penalty – but not the parental penalty.  I’m grateful, but not because you were spared that punishment and/or consequence –  but because you know I believe that it is our responsibility as parents to help you learn from this mistake - not the government.

As such, your driving privileges are completely removed for at least 6 months.  At that point we will re-evaluate your decision making skills and assess whether you should continue learning to drive.  You will not be allowed to sit for the driver’s test for at least another 6 months after we allow you to have your permit. 

Moreover, as has always been our rule - you are not allowed to drive with any other teenager until they have had their license for at least 6 months.  

This does limit your options.  It means your younger sister will get her license before you.  You will need HER help to get places.  You might want to reconsider the way you treat her. 

Likewise, you are going to need your older siblings’ help.

And my time is limited.  Don’t expect me to go out of my way to take you where you want to go simply because you aren’t able to get your license.  I will handle all the places you NEED to go, but I may not be inclined to break my neck for things that you want, but don’t need.  That’s not a punishment either.  Just a reality.

I know that you were honestly terrified.  You knew the danger of those railroad tracks.  You were deeply impacted by Hannah’s death on those very same tracks.  You write about her – even though you didn’t even know her.  But even that fear will fade and you are likely to forget the risks and act without thinking. 

Nonetheless, I pray that you will grow and mature and learn to make wise decisions.  I admire your desire to help others.  But you can’t help them if you are dead. 

I love you anyway.

Mom