Heather's Journal #51. "Living in the Silence Before the Storm." Source? No date.

51

“Living in the Silence Before the Storm.”  Source?

No Date

So why does death feel like its staring at me right between the eyes?  Another kid died in a car wreck at Chelsea High School.  I just got finished reading his girlfriend’s MySpace & it made me cry.  Kids my age aren’t supposed to die & when they do, it makes me realize death is coming4 all of us & there’s no stopping it.  But I’ve felt this way for a couple of weeks now – like someone who’s close2 me is gonna die & I know I won’t be able to handle it.  I don’t know what I’m gonna do.  I just pray these feelings are all wrong.

I’ve gotta switch topics.  Last night there was this huge storm that kept everyone up in the house.  I woke up & stared out the window while I cuddled with Lolla.  She makes me feel not so alone. 

Yea.  Even though I’m in a house full of people I still find myself being lonely.  Life is in slow motion right now.  I mean nothing’s gone completely wrong2 make me feel out of place.  It’s just that I’m trying2 find myself.

Surviving each day w/ a smile is my goal right now.  I mean – you never really know when it could be your last.  One day this will all blow over & everyday won’t feel so melancholy.  I just wanna know what I can do2 speed up the process.

I will strive to be better.

In Christ,

Heather Lee

Dear Heather,

It makes everyone so sad when someone young dies.  It just seems so unfair.  Like they didn’t get a chance to experience all this world has to offer.  You guys usually feel so invincible – like nothing bad will ever happen to you even when you do dangerous or risky things.  I read that the part of your brain that can evaluate the real consequences of your actions doesn’t develop until your mid-teens.  That might explain why ya’ll do things when we think that you should know better!

Ever since my car accident I’ve been afraid that one of my kids will die in a car accident.  I hate that feeling and I hate living in fear.  But it does affect the decisions I make for ya’ll. I know the risks and I’m just not willing to take them.  That’s why we don’t allow ya’ll to drive with anyone until you have had your license for 6 months.  And the reason we don’t let you have more than one extra person in the car for a while after that.  And why you can’t drive with the radio on until you have been driving a year.  And why we teach you not to do anything while you’re driving – including changing the heat/air controls.

All we are trying to do is eliminate all the obvious problems.  But nothing is a guarantee.  We can try to keep you safe – but it doesn’t mean you won’t die in a car accident.  I hate that feeling.

The really sad part is that the kids you knew died from avoidable mistakes – but mistakes that are common for inexperienced kids who are more interested in having a good time than protecting their lives.  What is really hard is that in both cases, the kid that died wasn’t the driver.  That makes it so so so hard for the driver that lived. Imagine how you would feel if you knew that your mistake killed your best friend. I never want you to be in that position.  Again.  I can’t guarantee it won’t happen – but I have a responsibility to try to help you avoid it.

I love you.

Mom