Heather's Journal #70. No Title. 4-30-08

70

No Title

4-30-08

“She walks in beauty, like the night of cloudless climes and starry skied:

And all that’s best of dark and bright,

“Meet me in her aspect and her eyes.”

(Source?)

            

I’m having a hard time… it’s difficult to explain.  I feel the insides of my flesh twisting everything I know to satisfy itself.  I don’t know where to go because God’s voice feels so vague… I just… I just don’t know. 

There’s so much I wanna write but won’t let myself.  I feel like it’s becoming impossible4 me to get attached to anyone.  All I want is to feel that connection but I still feel so lost.  Empty when it comes to relationships.  All I want is to go back to something familiar with no change.  But all that is broken. 

I pray & ask God to talk 2 me, show me a clear sign.  Nothing.  Meaning be patient… it’s so hard to see through grey clouds.  I believe God can make beauty from the broken but the question is, will He?  Wait & be still are the 2 words I keep hearing but I’m having trouble interpreting them. 

Weary eyes… with an over-done smile. 

Numbness in my finger-tips.

Pounding in my soul that bleeds for a sweet while.

I will strive to be better.

In Christ,

Heather Lee

Dear Heather,

Wasn’t it just a few weeks ago you were begging for something new and exciting every day? Lol!  Now you want familiarity and peace and comfort.  

You are sooo normal!  The truth is that our needs – or at least what we think we need – changes constantly.  That’s okay.  It just helps to remember how quickly things change.

 Whenever something gets to me, my mom still offers these wise words: “This too shall pass.”  And she is so right.  Very few seasons in life are permanent.  When one of you kids is driving me certifiably insane because of some particular conduct that is age appropriate but still annoying, that phrase reminds me that it will eventually end.  When Rebecca was four and dad went into the hospital and she wanted her pacifier again, my mom didn't criticize me for giving it back to her just to make life easier.  Instead, she said, "She won't go to college with a pacifier.  Do what you need to survive now and know that she will get over this stage."  

Life is constantly evolving, changing and often recycling itself.  As much as we like to try to take control and think that we are in charge - much is outside our control.  

If you are hearing “wait and be patient,” that sounds like what you should do. Vague messages or feelings are harder to acknowledge, but those words don't sound vague to me. 

Whatever the issue is… don’t try to “do” anything else to solve it.  Just wait.  He will give you the answer in His time.

I love you.

Mom