2
“What’s Next?”
10-1-07
I need
sum1 2 talk 2 so I guess some paper might be willing 2 tolerate me since no1
else will. My emotions won’t leave
me alone. All these voices won’t
shut up And the visions won’t leave my sight. Ahh. I need
help – serious help. Okay
it’s all me, I can do this. All I
have 2 do is follow the rules.
Simple. Don’t do what I
know I shouldn’t. I care about
doing the right things this time - not so I can just squeak by or fake it but
b/c I really care. Picture mom
& dad are beside me 24/7 & God is watching me above. Don’t 4get that. Create a mental picture. I got
this. I’ll survive… Hopefully. Oh gosh. I’m just so sick of getting worked up & always
failing. But I can’t let that
thought defeat my mind set of trying.
Why do
I always feel like I’m being looked down on? It’s funny b/c the other day Izzy told me how glad she was 2
have me on the soccer team… for once I felt special at a place I was almost
positive I didn’t fit in at. But a
normal person doesn’t feel that way.
Where she walks in a room & hears the thoughts every1 is
thinking. (Oh there’s that slut… I
can’t believe she’s like that, I thought she was different.) But I know some
people worse than me & they get by – I don’t understand.
God has
a plan. That’s what I keep telling
myself. I mean I wanna get caught
but I also wanna succeed @ something other than my horrific reputation. I’m going crazy. 4ril. It will be okay,
& I will make it. That’s all I
have 2 believe right now. I sure
hope it’s true.
My
parents R so cool 2 me. I’d never
thought I’d say that but I’ve come 2 realize that. Dad, he’s so sweet,
understanding & just a good person period. Mom, she can master anything (except remembering the bread
is still in the oven) And she’s the one person I want 2 please. Seems hard 2 believe but I want her 2
be proud of me and 4 once – I just don’t wanna feel like a ‘problem child’ 2
her. How difficult is it just 2
feel like I matter and 2 feel okay – seems like so much 2 ask 4 but ha, I’m
used 2 it.
God –
I’m not okay. I need you 2 @ least
know that. I’m not giving myself
‘self-pity’ but I’ve ignored it 4 too long now & I think I need 2 take
notice on how I really feel instead of lying 2 my own self that I’m fine &
dandy & there couldn’t possibly be anything that’s wrong.
I will
strive 2 be better.
In
Christ,
Heather
Lee
Dear Heather,
Paper can be a
good place to sort through your feelings.
It doesn’t talk back and it isn’t impatient. That’s nice.
I’m an outward processor. I
need to say or write what I think to make sense of it. Somehow, putting things on paper makes
them seem more real.
It also gives me a record of my thoughts so I can look back on them. That often gives me perspective when I
can’t quite remember how I thought or felt a week ago, let alone a month ago,
or a year ago. Sometimes I just
need to remember that I’ve made progress or see that I’m still stuck in the
same place, which tells me I need to do something different.
And I’ve learned
something about myself. I write
with my heart. I speak from my
flesh. And my heart is
intuitive. And thoughtful. And logical. And discerning.
And real. And what I say
from my heart – most of the time – is right and true. And I can communicate without anger. And with some level of kindness and
compassion.
When I speak
poorly from my flesh, it tends to be from anger. Or resentment.
Or frustration. Or bitterness or selfishness. None of the qualities I admire in others or myself. But self-control seems to be a
problem. And I have learned that I
should shut up most of the time. But I don’t do that nearly enough. And if it is really
important, perhaps I should just
write it. I have found that to be
the best tool we have to communicate with each other. Even if it means emailing or texting each other from our
bedrooms.
I’m glad to hear
you want to do the right thing and I can picture me and dad and God standing
over you – watching your every move.
And I hope that we would influence your decisions. But what we really hope is that you will
not need us to be looking over your shoulder. That you will learn to make good choices that make you proud
of yourself and God just because it feels right. Not because you might get in trouble or someone might look
down on you.
One of your
thoughts jumped out at me and I can’t quite tell what you meant. You said, “Okay its all me. I can do this.” If you mean that you
have to put all of your effort into following God’s lead in working through
your issues, then that is good. If
you mean, “It’s all me. Everything
depends on my ability to make changes.
Everything depends on my ability to be a good girl. Then you are wrong. It’s all about loving God and being in
relationship with him. Ultimately,
He is the solution.
I also notice
that you wrote, “I will strive to be better.” It just makes me think of how we can never work hard enough
or be good enough to live in eternity with Christ our Savior. That’s why Jesus
had to die on the cross to save us from our sins. We are saved by Grace.
It’s a gift. All we
have to do is accept the gift. No
amount of work. No amount of
perfect living. Nothing but Jesus
will get you to Heaven.
Of course, that
doesn’t let us off the hook. We
still have to strive to be better – but it isn’t so we can get into
heaven. We strive to be better so
that our life on earth will be better.
So that we can have good human relationships. So that we can represent Christ well. We strive to understand more about
God. More about Jesus. More about how we can allow the Holy
Spirit to work in and through us.
But we don’t strive to get the privilege of entering heaven. Just thought I would say that again so
that you can put that in your brain!
I love you.
Mom
P.S. I’m glad dad and I are really cool
today. I think we sucked
yesterday! And although I can’t
honestly say that I’m proud of everything you choose to do, I am proud and
honored to have been chosen by God to be your mother and to go on this journey
called life with you. I know that you will overcome all of this one day.
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