Heather's Journal #1: "The Girl Who Did Everything Wrong"

This is Heather's personal journal, which she began keeping when she was 14-years-old.  Until she passed away suddenly in a car accident on January 16, 2011, I had no idea she had kept this journal.  She was a writer, but she kept this part of her life secret.  What follows are her letters - written before she died.  And my responses, written after her death as part of my grief process - but saying the things I said to her in life.  It is raw, uncut and intimate.  It often deals with tough and mature topics.  Sometimes, the language is not polite.  But in an effort to retain the raw honesty of her emotions, I haven't edited it.

Parents, I encourage you to have open, honest, direct conversations with your children. 

Teens, I encourage you to be transparent with your parents.  They will love you anyway.

2007

1

“The Girl Who Did Everything Wrong.”

10-1-07

I’m falling apart in slow motion faster than ever now.  My mind is completely covered in thoughts so I hope I can write them all down & actually make sense.  My life – it’s quite frusterating.  Everything I don’t want2 do, I do & everything I want2 do, I don’t do.  I seem2 be in trouble every sec. of everyday & no matter how much I want2 make things right, I always fail.  I don’t understand it even though I wish with all my heart that I could.  At this point in life I want 2 focus on not dying, and living right.  Sadly it feels like I’m already dying even though I’m not physically helping my death.  I’m dying inside.  And I see it all happening, like I’m standing just observing everything. 

Yes – I could cry so many tears I could drown myself but I don’t have time 2 sit & waist like that.  I imagine myself in an open field that is covered in dead grass w/ a huge thunderstorm coming my way.  All I do is sit and watch waiting 4 it 2 hit me.  I’m not sure what that’s supposed 2 mean or even if it is supposed 2 mean anything.

All I feel like doing is sleeping. I’ve lost all motivation 2 do anything about my life.  The one thing I don’t understand is why can’t I get it right?  I know I care but I still make the same crappy mistakes.  Which leaves me hopeless wondering why should I bother trying?  I feel alone in every aspect – including my own family.  I love my parents so much but I hate disappointing them.  How come this is the person I’ve become? I pray & pray 4 strength 2 keep moving on but I’m losing it.   I’m losing hope.  But I pray this won’t B 4 good.  That God will restore His hope & love in my soul. 

I wanna kill myself so I don’t have 2 deal w/ things but there goes my old self again.  Giving up bc I’m afraid of the work.  But I don’t believe killing myself is a way out.  To me I see suicide as giving up, cheating life, selfish & a disappointment 2 God.  I couldn’t do that.  And for once I wanna live this out.  I wanna be something better than the person I see when I look in the mirror. 

But what’s gonna change this time?  Maybe nothing – who knows but it never hurts 2 give it one more shot because one of these days I’ll make it.  This is so important 2 me.  It’s so strange.  My life flipped itself upside down w/out even asking me.  I wanna be a child again but come 2 think of it my child-hood wasn’t much different.  Still felt alone & everything it just took growing up 2 realize that. 

Now I’ve realized everything I need 2 know 4 a while.  So this is the time 2 change.  Ha change – the word that’s been haunting my dreams.  I pray 4 a miracle.  Some way 2 get me through this.

I will strive 2 be better,

In Christ,

Heather Lee

Dear Heather,

You express yourself with such beautiful simplicity.  I see your struggle in the words on the page.  I feel that you are torn.  I’m just glad that you are writing. Ever since you wrote your first stories for me when you were six, I knew that you were gifted and that it would be therapeutic for you to write down your feelings.  That is one thing we definitely have in common.  I admire you as a fellow writer. 

You ask so many challenging questions to yourself and to God.  I wish I had all the answers neatly packaged with pretty ribbons and step-by-step instructions.  But I don’t.  No one does.  Except God.  And as much as I know you like pretty things - His package looks best in the ragged, well-worn pages of his Word. 

But you already know that.  I saw a picture of a raggedy bible taped to the inside of your cloest door along with other things that you like.  I think the fact that it looked worn was evidence that it had been used and read. And the fact that you had that picture tells me a lot about your thoughts.

We have spent countless hours talking through your life.  Trying to understand it.  Trying to make sense of it.  We have cuddled in my bed until the wee hours of the morning as you told me about all your memories.  I have tried to pass on what I have learned in my journey through life. We have yelled at each other as we tried to understand each other.  We have gotten flusterated - you always combined the words frustrated and flustered and I liked the combination - at each other as we saw the same patterns repeat themselves over and over again. 

The one message that dad and I have consistently given you is that we want you to have a change of heart, not just be a good girl.  As strange as it sounds, we aren’t just interested in changing your conduct. Even though it would make our lives a little less stressful. J  We aren’t even interested in you following our rules or God just for the sake of saying you obeyed.  Why?  Because we know those changes won’t last.

We know that your self-proclaimed “bad” conduct is a symptom of much deeper problems.

Think about that because it sounds really weird to say that sneaking out, or being sexually promiscuous, or lying or being reckless is not the problem.  It sure seems like those are problems.  And they are - because there are sometimes serious consequences to your conduct, but they still aren’t THE problem. They are the symptom of the real problem.

When we see this conduct, we know something is going on deep inside you that is causing you to act this way.  The solution is to find out what is causing the problem and fix that.  Then the conduct will take care of itself. 

Does that make sense? If we simply work on changing your conduct, we can usually get short-term changes, but they won’t last very long. 

And here’s the complicated part – first we have to search deep enough to find out the real problem.    It’s a search that may not be much fun because you may have to dredge up a bunch of garbage from your past to begin to understand what thoughts you have that lead you to make poor decisions.  But I think the long-term results will be amazing.

You seem to be confused, saying over and over again, “You just want me to be perfect.”  And we repeatedly say to you, “No one can make anyone perfect.  And we certainly aren’t expecting perfection.  We want to change your heart.  We want you to be right with God.  We want to remove the urge to act crazy or lie. We want you to want to do the right thing because it is the right thing.  Not so you won’t get in trouble or get hurt.  Although that is an added benefit.

That seems so difficult for you to grasp.  You seem to feel that we will love you less because you make mistakes.  Sometimes really really big mistakes.  But you are wrong. 

We love you as you.  The imperfect blond-haired blue-eyed mischievous troubled child that God placed directly into our care so perfectly on that cold February day in a courtroom in Cincinnati, Ohio.

This is a writing journey that we can go on together. A dialog of the heart.  A chance to talk openly and honestly about ourselves.  On the surface, we don’t have a whole lot in common.  You are beautiful and lively and spontaneous and adventurous.  I’m plain and intellectual and organized and safe.  We butt heads.  I’m your mom, your disciplinarian, and your teacher.  I’m not your equal and never will be.  We can love and honor each other, but I’m not designed to be your best friend.  My job is to help you become all that God intends you to be.  Sometimes, that makes you want to hate me.  Honestly, I’m okay with that.  I don’t like it.  But I accept it as part of my responsibility as your mom.  I figure if you don’t hate me at some point, I am definitely not doing my job.

Don’t get me wrong.  I want you to love me.  But I also am clear that I have to be open and honest and truthful with you, even when it hurts.  I will speak truth in love.  Meaning love is my motivation – not an attempt for you to follow my will.  I will never lie to you.  Even to make you feel good.  But I will love you through it all.  And no matter what you do or have done.  No matter what anyone else has ever done to you.  I will love you.  I will keep you. 

Do you remember the first week after we brought you home at the stop sign on Keniworth?  You were sitting in the backseat of the Suburban in the middle seat.  Your six and one-half –year old eyes looked at me in the rear view mirror.  No, you glared at me.  And you said, “I’m going to make you hate me so that you will send me away.” 


I glared right back through the rear view mirror, saying, “You can make me not like you.  You can make me angry.  You might even make me hate you. But you can’t make me send you away.”  I continued my glare until I was sure that you understood me clearly.  You weren’t going to win that battle.  I was keeping you no matter what.

           

My response was instinctive.  Somehow, I knew that I was committed to you for life, no matter how I felt.  My feelings were irrelevant.  I don’t know how I was so clear in my mission.  We had not intentionally prepared for you in any way.  We had never raised a child like you.  I just knew. 

That has been the key to my endurance.  Dad and I knew that God gave us to you and you to us. When we signed those papers in the courthouse we made a promise to you --just like I did with your father when we got married.  It is a commitment that can’t end because I don’t like you any more or because you are too much trouble. 

I love you. 

Mom