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July 2, 2008
I’m
getting tired of getting my prayers mixed up with my thoughts… I can hardly pay
attention to myself think anymore…Oh God… where have I gone wrong… how have I
buried my pain so far deep I haven’t even begin to understand how much I’m
hurting. I’m trying not to get
caught up in drama… like the typical teenage girl who cries herself to sleep
every night… because that’s soooo gay.
But instead of becoming numb to all my emotions. What happened to things being real…?
Feeling
something that was actually worth it.
I’ve strayed from you Lord… again.
The last time I came to you, I said the same thing… and the very next
day I lost you again. Why am I
walking away? I’m not meaning to
hurt your feelings… because all I wanna do is stand hand in hand with you and
prove to you I love you with all of my heart. But I’m not… and I’m sorry. I’m sorry…. Seems like I say those
words a lot.
I’ve
noticed that I’ve been going to guys a lot lately….for answers….for feelings
that seem real… something to keep me content.
I
remember this road…how lonely I still felt when I reached the end.
God
I’m desperate. I’m so sorry. I feel so weak and helpless right now. Ya know… normally when a baby is born,
when you have breathed life into its lungs, the beginning is a living
miracle. That baby sits there,
innocent and precious beyond any human capacity to ever know … and it’s
completely perfect.
Until
that baby gets older and is able to make mistakes of their own. Well….I feel like the beginning was a
mistake. From day one, July 17,
1992, I have felt wrong. I’ve
always felt wrong even when I had the right not to.
As I
look back… as the memories dance once again in my head, I’m realizing that all
of that wasn’t normal. That every
kid doesn’t do those things. God I
don’t want self pitty… I don’t want to ever feel bad for myself because you
have taken me out of the Enemy’s jaws and rescued me.
I’m not
upset with you and I don’t ask “Oh, how could you ever allow such awful things
to happen?” Bad things happen to
good people all the time. That’s
not the problem.
For as
long as I can remember I didn’t understand why I had to deal with my past. Why should it effect me 9 yrs. later… I
didn’t want to be the one who couldn’t hold herself up with her strength alone
after all this time.
God,
I’m dying on the inside. Please
save me. The problem lies within
me. Knowing it’s okay to be mad
about it, to recognize little girls don’t grow up like that, is the beginning
of the process… I see that now Lord… I see.
I pray
that you lead me in this process
so I can rise up and be the woman you have planned for me. I want to be the best I can be
God.
I wish
the words I love you could mean so much more…. Words are all I have for
now. My life’s a love song to you
and at the end of it, I want to know I have succeeded. That I have conquered this life with your
help from above.
I will
strive to be better.
Dear Heather,
I know it doesn’t
feel like success, but I can say with confidence that you are succeeding at
this thing we call life far more than many kids your age. Not because you are perfect, but because
you are carefully examining your life.
Many people - me included – go through the teen years without any
thought of whether we are following God’s plan for our lives. I was a goody two shoes – so it didn’t
feel like I was in desperate need of God.
Some of my friends were the exact opposite – troublemakers – but they
were so absorbed in the thrill of the ride that they didn’t care what God
thought. As Wendell Berry said of
one of his charcters in Jayber Crow.
“His faults, if he knew them, never laid heavy on his mind.” (p. 134)
I think that was
true of both me and my friends. I
didn’t recognize my faults because I thought I was doing things pretty
well. My friends knew better, but
that didn’t really bother their mind too much.
You are so much
further along than I ever was at your age. I think the fact that you know you need God is a really good
thing. You learn to depend on Him
much faster than I ever did. I
don’t wish I had your difficuluties – but I wish I had your wisdom and your heart
– even now. I’m
impressed by your perseverance.
You are doing a
good job. God knows your heart and that is what he
cares about. He knows the
struggles you face. He’s just
waiting patiently.
I love you.
Mom
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