81
“I haven’t stopped falling in love, I’ll never stop falling.”
6-18-08
“Oh
it’s gonna be worth it… You’re all I need Lord & I will lift my voice to
you and sing, you’re going to be worth it, your gunna be worth it all.”
I freeze
in this world like an undiscovered ocean colder than life itself. My desire for this world is increasing
and I just pause and wait… I don’t really know what I’m waiting for… answers,
strength, signs… I just don’t know.
I guess
I’m just too scared to make a decision to move because we all know how poor my
decision-making is.
So I
just sit and wait… watch time pass.
I wanna get closer to God this summer but I’ve been focusing on what not
to do and who not to talk to and I’ve lost the energy to move forward. This summer, I've [already] lost myself again. I found myself drowning in a sea of
people. I’ve worked so hard to
build myself up & stay away from evil… it’s unbelievable how much faster
you can just get hopelessly sucked back into it all.
But
this time around I have God’s word and love covering my heart. When it gets cold and I feel lonely, I
feel his love bleeding through me pumping my heart and invading my soul. I never realize it until I’ve run away
and lost sight of temptation.
That’s where I meet up with Him and I feel the warmth of his protection
again.
He is
truly all I need and I cannot stand here and say I ever will find a love like
this. A love that’s so beyond not
only any human words but a love beyond any human’s mind. A love that brings me to my knees and
tears on my fear because I can’t imagine ever living for anyone or anything but
the Creator Himself.
I’m so
in love it’s beyond my capacity to ever describe. Until you meet God & choose to live for Him no matter
what, His love will never sweep you off you’re feet.
I’m not
saying I know it all & that I’m done here, that I’m finished and I’ve
already fallen as far as I can in love with God. But I am saying from what I do know, He’s completely worth
it. That He’s 100% forever worth
it all… and I can’t wait to spend eternity with the Lord of my life, the reason
I breathe.
I will
strive to be better,
In
Christ,
Heather
Marie Lee
Dear Heather,
Wow. I wish I felt the way you are feeling
all the time. It feels so good to
be in love with Jesus. It feels so
good when everything seems so obvious and clear. Do you get those butterflies in your stomach that you are
always looking for?
Sometimes, life
gets so routine I forget to be in love with Jesus – instead of just loving
Him. Come to think of it, I have
the same trouble with your dad. :-) Guess I’m the one who
needs a little work right now.
Lately, I've been struggling with the difference between being content with my relationship with Christ and being complacent.
It all started when I was watching people during worship at church. I love Shades Valley Community Church because people worship in such different ways. Some people are in the back with their hands raised and eyes closed. Others are sitting quietly in their chairs. Some stand or sit and simply sing. Others are literally dancing in the isles. Some are on the floor with their face to the ground. Others are carrying flags. It is beautiful. In part because there is no pressure to conform. We are encouraged to worship as we feel led.
Twenty years ago, this might have bothered me because even being in the presence of such diversity was unheard of for me. I have been in many churches with a wide variety of worship styles and I see all of them in our church.
In spite of my personality, I'm the quiet worship type. I stand. I sit. I sing. I pray. But I'm not big or dramatic. I think a lot. New ideas come to me. New understandings. I pray in short spurts. Nothing long and drawn out for me. I think it's my short attention span.
What I hope for is something different I think. I heard this phrase today and it really stuck, "the prayer flows through me." That does happen, but not as often as I would like.
Nonetheless, I sometimes benefit from watching others who are so free and easy with their worship, even though I still don't feel the need to be physical with my worship.
Perhaps it's because I grew up Catholic and the worship is far different than what I experience in our evangelical church. But it's more than than. I think I'm self-conscious and always have been. If I worship outwardly, I think my internal focus is on myself, not God. It seems counterproductive.
I'm the same way on the dance floor. And with sports. I just can't let myself go. Perhaps it has something to do with being the crybaby fat girl at school who was bullied. (Fat in the late 60's and 70's meant I was about 5-8 pounds heavier than most of the other girls and I cried because I was bullied.) So, although I can speak confidently without fear to groups of all sizes, and I can jump into character and make a complete fool of myself as another person, as me, I don't like to draw much attention to myself.
So, watching others who seem so free and easy with their worship has me wondering what I'm missing. Am I content with my relationship with Christ or am I just complacent because I'm too lazy or afraid?
Am I a Judas? One who has every opportunity to be part of Christ and his life, but who is actually a selfish betrayer who is willing to walk away from Christ because my needs aren't being met the way I want?
I'm not sure I would have ever have made the connection between my question about contentment and complacency with Judas' betrayal without today's message at church. Is this process of thinking and conviction part of my worship? We have now moved into a time of worship and I feel compelled to pick up my computer and type my thoughts. I'm thinking and processing about my relationship with Christ. Is this worship? Is this prayer? Is this what it looks like?
My spirit is willing because my spirit isn't all me, but my flesh is weak, because that is all mine to control. I don't really have the answers, but I do know one thing. I am both content and complacent. I am content with what I already know. But complacent when I don't actively seek to learn more.
I have much more thinking and praying and questioning to do on this subject. But I will close here for now and talk more later.
Lately, I've been struggling with the difference between being content with my relationship with Christ and being complacent.
It all started when I was watching people during worship at church. I love Shades Valley Community Church because people worship in such different ways. Some people are in the back with their hands raised and eyes closed. Others are sitting quietly in their chairs. Some stand or sit and simply sing. Others are literally dancing in the isles. Some are on the floor with their face to the ground. Others are carrying flags. It is beautiful. In part because there is no pressure to conform. We are encouraged to worship as we feel led.
Twenty years ago, this might have bothered me because even being in the presence of such diversity was unheard of for me. I have been in many churches with a wide variety of worship styles and I see all of them in our church.
In spite of my personality, I'm the quiet worship type. I stand. I sit. I sing. I pray. But I'm not big or dramatic. I think a lot. New ideas come to me. New understandings. I pray in short spurts. Nothing long and drawn out for me. I think it's my short attention span.
What I hope for is something different I think. I heard this phrase today and it really stuck, "the prayer flows through me." That does happen, but not as often as I would like.
Nonetheless, I sometimes benefit from watching others who are so free and easy with their worship, even though I still don't feel the need to be physical with my worship.
Perhaps it's because I grew up Catholic and the worship is far different than what I experience in our evangelical church. But it's more than than. I think I'm self-conscious and always have been. If I worship outwardly, I think my internal focus is on myself, not God. It seems counterproductive.
I'm the same way on the dance floor. And with sports. I just can't let myself go. Perhaps it has something to do with being the crybaby fat girl at school who was bullied. (Fat in the late 60's and 70's meant I was about 5-8 pounds heavier than most of the other girls and I cried because I was bullied.) So, although I can speak confidently without fear to groups of all sizes, and I can jump into character and make a complete fool of myself as another person, as me, I don't like to draw much attention to myself.
So, watching others who seem so free and easy with their worship has me wondering what I'm missing. Am I content with my relationship with Christ or am I just complacent because I'm too lazy or afraid?
Am I a Judas? One who has every opportunity to be part of Christ and his life, but who is actually a selfish betrayer who is willing to walk away from Christ because my needs aren't being met the way I want?
I'm not sure I would have ever have made the connection between my question about contentment and complacency with Judas' betrayal without today's message at church. Is this process of thinking and conviction part of my worship? We have now moved into a time of worship and I feel compelled to pick up my computer and type my thoughts. I'm thinking and processing about my relationship with Christ. Is this worship? Is this prayer? Is this what it looks like?
My spirit is willing because my spirit isn't all me, but my flesh is weak, because that is all mine to control. I don't really have the answers, but I do know one thing. I am both content and complacent. I am content with what I already know. But complacent when I don't actively seek to learn more.
I have much more thinking and praying and questioning to do on this subject. But I will close here for now and talk more later.
I love you.
Mom
No comments:
Post a Comment