Heather's Journal #100 - "'Your Love Is Strong:'" Invade my heart … invade this town." (Jon Forman) No Date

100

“Your love is strong:" Invade my heart… invade this town.” (Jon Forman)

No Date

“They’re never just words on a page…”

I don’t understand this concept of love.  And why God still loves me even when I’m so unworthy.  I won’t accept it.  I’ve always been the girl who’s known to choose ‘loser’ guys… I don’t wanna be that girl.  I can stand here & say I don’t care & I’ll have no broken-heart for a result. But that’s a lie.  I just wanna be loved for who I am by a guy… I wanna learn this whole love thing the way it was supposed to be in the 1^st place.  Maybe if I stop running I can patch up what hurts.  If I just look up from the rocks my feet are stepping on I can see God.  Maybe if I just honestly say with all that I am, God is all that I need & actually mean it… then He can mend the gaping holes in my heart & I can begin to learn what love really is. 

But all this time I needed more than just Him.  If I was gunna live & be happy… I required much more than just God himself.  I was too afraid to admit to that but I’m sick of pretending the problem doesn’t exist. 

I want to be close to My God & I’m gunna do anything to get there.  Let God be everything to me…. That’s all I want.  I want everything else to be meaningless for now.

i will love you.

In Christ,

Heather Lee

Dear God,

She is back on that rollercoaster.  Allowing the enemy to make her doubt and then discouraging her.  But she recognizes it Lord.  She knows what she wants.  I have no answers or formulas.  No ways to help her heart trust – other than by being trustworthy.  I fail at a lot of things God, but I have always kept my word with her.  I have always been honest.  I have always tried to speak Truth to her.  I am not the best example of You to her.  I know that.  I am not gracious enough or patient enough or selfless enough.  Sometimes, I’m the worst representation of your life that I can imagine.  I am sorry God.  You know that is not what my heart wants.  I understand Heather in so many ways.  I understand that what her heart wants and what she is able to muster up on her own is not the same.  And all I know is to turn all of my faults and sins and problems and doubts over to you and then rest and wait. 

Maybe I'm trying to do too much.  Maybe instead of representing Christ in her life I am trying to be Christ in her life.  I do not mean to do that.  If that is what I’m doing – tear it from me.  Don’t let her hear what is not meant to be heard.  Let any untruth or unwise word pass through her – unaffected.  But reveal it to me.  Let me know my weaknesses so that I can turn it over to You  - again.

I love you.

Heather’s Mom

Heather's Journal #99 - "I'm running through the spaces between us. Just wait for me at the end." 8-16-08

99

“I’m running through the spaces between us.  Just wait for me at the end.”

8-16-08

Oh what's the year, what's the day, what's the time?  What does any of it really matter?  I have nothing left to say…  I’m clean out of excuses.  We’re all a little wiser than when we started the summer and all a little older.  I’ve experimented with everything & I can now say I’m different… it’s not fun4 me… the rest of the world finds it fun and all this time I thought I would find happiness and fun in it too. 

Well I didn’t. 

Why do I feel like it’s too late to say I’m sorry?  Because I knew I was wrong in the beginning & still did it?  … Play me a song my heavenly Father… Speak to me from above.  Catch these tears that roll down my cheeks and replace a kiss in their spots…. Please still love me even though I’m unworthy.  I am sorry.  I still love you.  Please help me show it…

i will love you.

In Christ,

Heather Marie Lee

Dear Heather,

You are forgiven.  Do not allow yourself to become discouraged yet again.  It only gives the enemy room to mess with your mind.  As long as you believe you are unworthy – you want to hide your face from the ones who love you.  We all do that.  I think that is why Adam and Eve – who were naked before they ate the apple – felt the need to cover their bodies in the presence of God.  They felt ashamed. 

Repent.  Say that you are sorry.  Mean it.  You are forgiven and you must move on until the next time.  When you do it all over again.  

That is why you have a Savior.

I love you.

Mom

Heather's Journal #98 - Poem: "Promise Me a Sunset" 8-14-08

“Promise Me a Sunset.”

8-14-08

In the core of my heart you’ll find regret.

Quiet the noise & listen to the song.

Selifish doing gone unpunished.

You’re air is too pure for me to breathe,

I cannot risk my life.

There’s never enough hours in the day. 

Oh but I will never miss a sunset.

Refusing to take advantage of you.

I reject your forgiveness.

Oh I’ll pretend my sin doesn’t exist for now…

I’m only human.  I’m only human.

There’s never enough hours in the day. 

Oh but I will never miss a sunset.

Still you stroke my hair and kiss my cheek. 

Show me your beauty and I’ll be on time.

Promise me a sunset & I swear I’ll come back to you.

Heather's Journal #97. "There's never enough hours in the day, but oh I will never miss a sunset." 8-14-08

97

“There’s never enough hours in the day but oh I will never miss a sunset.”

8-14-08

The world has not rested yet from the battle to win over my heart.  I’m constantly being consumed by something.  A growing monster I’ll become if I don’t fight back.  I ask myself for truth.  For light.  For something real.

When I can’t seem to breathe any longer & my hope fades… I find peace with God.  I smell the sweet abyss of heaven just enough to restore me and keep following what I smell. 

I cannot yet put into words how I have seen God lately.  Maybe it’s undescribable or its just still sinking in.  When he shows me a glimpse of his beauty, it’s completely out of time. I can nearly feel him stroking my hair, rising above me.  As if to remind me to no longer look down at my feet, but to look at him and there I will find love….

Blessed is not only the one who believes but follows….

i will love you.

In Christ,

Heather Lee

Dear Heather,

God never ceases to amaze me.  In my last letter I felt I had nothing more to offer you except a prayer.  As I typed the prayer of my heart, I wrote the words “softly caressing.”  Immediately, I erased the word “caressing” because it did seem right.  I pondered the right word for just a moment and then replaced it with “stroking,” which felt right.

For some reason, I noticed that my brain went through these steps and it briefly occurred to me that the right words mattered. 

It all happened in a few seconds and then I moved on to read your next letter.  And that’s when the significance of that moment hit me hard.

You had not read my prayer.  It was between me and God. 

And I had not read your next letter.

Yet, we both used the word "stroke" in a similar context. It is as if to affirm that God is overseeing every bit of what I write or think. He made sure that your words mirrored the words in my prayer so that I would know that He was there. 

My heart wants to scream, “Can’t everyone see what we see?  You are real and present God.  You speak to us everyday.  Our only job is to be open and listen.” 

I love you.

Mom

Lord,

Thank you for answering the prayers of my heart so clearly.

I love you.

Anna

Heather's Journal #96."You turned my wailing into dancing ....." 8-6-08

96

Psalm 30:11.  “You turned my wailing into dancing:  You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you & not be silent.”

8-6-08

I believe that I picture God as a man on a gold throne I look up to somewhere above in heaven.  Through the clouds, past the stars and beyond the universe… well tonight God showed me that He’s more of a dad who walks beside me everyday and I fall asleep in His lap. 

For so long I’ve just seen him as a distant God… even when he’s so close.  And He’s always been so close. It has just been my choice whether to hold his hand some days as he walks beside me or not.  I’ve relearned just basic lessons over the summer and it feels like it’s as if it’s my 1^st time to learn them.  Like how guys can’t truly make me happy, how I can’t be the one in control, how God is not meant to be distant.  God’s showing it all to me like it’s new when I’ve heard this stuff a million times before. 

I found love.  And I’ve found happiness.  My author of Salvation is my first love…

i will love you.

In Christ,

My father,

Heather Lee

Dear Lord,

You have been faithful.  You have opened her eyes even more.  You have held her heart in yours – softly stroking it to keep her heart beating for You.  She needs that every moment of every day.  Speak to her in ways that her heart can hear.  Satisfy her physical need so that she does not need to look elsewhere for happiness. 

She knows where to find you.  But she cannot sustain it.  She tries to fight the battle alone – and she cannot win alone.  She needs You.  Show her that as many times as she needs it. 

I ask the same for me. 

I love you.

Heather’s Mom

Heather's Journal #95. "I don't understand your ways. ...." August 5, 2008

95

“I don’t understand your ways.  Oh but I will give you my song.   You hold onto all my pain and with it you are pulling me closer, pulling me into your  ways.  Its’ gunna be worth it.  It’s gunna be worth it all.”

August 5, 2008

We promised we’d always be friends, we promised we’d never sneak out, we promised we’d never forget, we promised we’d love each other forever, we promised we’d meet face to face some day again… I never understood growing up and what it meant.  I never realized that friendships would end until I found myself looking back…

I’ve always been scared to say goodbye, but now that I’m older I think goodbye means forgetting… I’ll never forget the many relationships I’ve had but that won’t keep me from moving on…. it makes me mad now that I do… lol. But I wanna see the new things Gad has in store4 me, I can’t wait to find out.

I’ve been praying for wisdom.  I’m so anxious to get closer to the Lord, it’s all I find myself thinking about.  I looove2 be happy.  I’m not happy when I’m makin out with some guy who swears to me he loves me… I’m not happy when I live life according to my way… I’m happiest when God is my focus. 

So much I wanna learn…

i will love Him.

In Christ,

Heather Marie Lee

Lord,

Please help her keep her eyes and heart open.  And mine too.  She’s not the only one who loses sight of You and Your promises at times.

I love you.

Heather’s Mom

Heather's Journal #94. "I wake because of You." 8-1-08

 94

I wake because of You.

8-1-08

I’m finally out of time… out of control and out of power.  I’ve forgotten how good it feels to let go and allow God to take the burden.  He gave me this vision of his Son on the cross… this time His face was almost crying saying, come. 

I keep thinking that I don’t deserve to have an escape from my sins… that God might not love me the same or He might see me differently if I give it all to Him. 

How little I understand, right?  I surrendered to Him and He still loves me.  I feel like God has expressed his beauty to me in a lot of different ways lately but now I wanna see his Mass… I want him to open my eyes & reveal to me just how big he really is.  I pray that I wil stand in awe of the Lord struck by Him and see a glimpse of Him, just enough to make me fear God. 

I want to be closer to Him…  I want to be left speechless.

i will love you.

In Christ,

Heather Marie Lee

“You are my grace.

You are my comforter.

You are my Strength.

You are my smile.

You are my light.

You are my sound.

You are my hope.

You are my refuge.

You are my escape.

You are my father.

You are my heart.

You are my love.

You are my all.

Dear Heather,

I am so happy your eyes have been opened again.

I love you.

Mom