Heather's Journal #80. "Gen. 4:7 ..." 6-11-08

80

“Gen 4:7 “If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? 

But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door,

it desires to have you, but you must master it.”

6-11-08

To sum it all up, I have the bestist friends in the entire world.  A lot has happened as always & I have such little time to explain.  Everyone seems2 be falling apart somehow including me.  Purity…. Such a broad term that seems to be the focus of my life.  It’s caving in on my again & I called Brad crying tonight.  He talked me through it telling me everything was gonna be just fine.  He told me to think this way, that I was God’s Bride to be & how He wants me untouched.  I’m not some tramp… I’m God’s bride & to hear him say that just hit me. 

I pray that God strengthens me & provides me w/ the care that I need.  I don’t wanna spend another sec. in another guys arms allowing him to think he has any part of me. 

Having a strong guy friend like Brad is exactly what I need.  I love Him, Always.

I will strive2 be better

In Christ,

Heather Lee

Dear Heather,

You are not alone in your struggle.  Our flesh desires to feel and touch and know.  Sometimes we sense that directly from God.  Sometimes, we get impatient and try to fill the needs ourselves.  But you are left feeling worthless and hopeless and ugly.  It never fulfills your real need.  Brad is an odd choice to go to for help – but the fact that he lives across the country makes him safer than most other choices. 

Be careful crying out to other guys about your guy troubles.  Men have a need to rescue and they tend to fall for the girl they are helping.  Just a little motherly warning – for life.

I love you.

Mom

Heather's Journal #79. No Title. 6-7-08

79

No Title

6-7-08

I’m so blessed… I feel God’s hands knocking at my heart, begging me to allow Him to love me.  Distant is a good word to describe myself right now.  And I haven’t only been distant from God… but really everything.  Including my own self. 

God’s really revealing His love to me by His constant pursuit for me.  Through Renee, my parents, my friends & my thoughts.  He loves me.  So much.  I sense it from when I wake up in the morning to when I go to sleep fighting the tears that so desperately want to fall.

How have I self consciously blocked out His voice when he sings me to sleep?  He’s everywhere. 

I haven’t even made time for Him.  But it’s my loss…  I’ve let go of his hand & have chosen2 walk by myself.  Now I feel the lonliness.

I’m … so sorry.

I will strive to be better,

In Christ,

Heather Marie Lee

“Talking with Renee is helping me.  God’s preparing me…”

Dear Heather,

Wait and be patient.  Then listen.  He is speaking to you.

I love you.

Mom

Heather's Journal #78. "Lucy in the sky with diamonds." June 6, 2008

78

“Lucy in the sky with diamonds.” Elton John

June 6, 2008

Why is this world so broken?  It’s like… the very sec. you think you’ve seen the worst parts of this world, you’re introduced to more… that’s deeper than what you thought you knew. 

I’m just so confused.  How can I have had it so good & not even noticed it?  God has held tight to me because he knew I’d be the one who would be left so broken.  I couldn’t find the energy to even stumble back.

I feel like the start of this summer, I’ve drifted from God a lil bit.  And it’s only been a few days, now that I’m realizing this… it feels so much longer than just a few days. 

*Deep breath *  Sheesh. 

I don’t even know what to say.  God is so real how they can they say no to Him?!?  WHAT WILL THEY LOSE?!?!

I will strive to be better,

In Christ,

Heather Lee

Dear Heather,

Why is the world so broken? You may mean that rhetorically, but I want to think about the answer.  Bear with me.

That’s both easy and difficult to answer. 

The world is broken because God created perfection in the Garden of Eden.  He created  Adam first and then decided it wasn’t good for him to be alone.  So he made Eve.  God gave them power and dominion over the earth and all its creatures.  They could have anything they wanted – except for the apples from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.  You would think that they could handle that one rule!

Oh, and here is the important part.  God also gave Adam and Eve free will – the ability to choose for themselves.  He could have made us robots – all pre-programmed to obey His every command, but He gave us brains and thoughts and abilities and desires and let us decide for ourselves.  Worship means a lot more from a willing person than from a robot.

So, they were given a choice and they didn’t obey God.  A serpent came along and tempted them, saying that if God was so good why was he trying to keep the truth from them.  He suggested that they were wise enough to make their own decisions.  And – so the story goes  - Eve kind of helped Adam decide to go ahead and try the apple. 

I suspect God had that one rule because Adam and Eve weren’t yet ready for the Truth that could be found in the fruit of that tree. He was protecting them.  But the serpent convinced Adam and Eve to disobey God. 

We call that first sin the “Fall of Man.” We call it that because after that moment, Paradise in the Garden of Eden no longer existed as God intended it.  Men now had to toil and labor for their needs.  Woman would have pain in childbirth.  Paradise was no longer free and easy like God planned.

So, the simple answer is that the world is broken because of Adam and Eve.  But the more complex answer – in simple words – is that we now live in a world where each person is looking after their own interests and battling their own desires with those of God.  Satan (the serpent in the story) was given control over the earth and man was given the freedom to choose.  The result is really messy. 

We quickly learned we could not do it alone.  We needed a Savior.  And God provided one.  Jesus.

And that’s the basic story and the answer to your question.  It isn’t fun.  But it is the truth.

As for you personally – it seems that you are learning to recognize your tendency to stray from God more quickly than you used to.  That is good.  Being aware is half the battle.  Sometimes, things are easy and maybe there isn’t enough accountability and you begin to stray without noticing until it is too late to easily get back on track.  Stay aware and in tune to your thoughts and feelings.

Sometimes, I can’t imagine not believing in God.  Sometimes, I can’t imagine why I do.  But God is not afraid of our thoughts.  He is not afraid for us to questions Him.  And in the end, when I finish asking questions and examining my doubts  -- again -- I find that my heart won’t allow my mind to take over for too long.  I can’t help but believe. 

I love you.

Mom