Heather's Journal #48. Untitled. 2-15-08

48

2-15-08

What’s happening2 me?  That’s not necessarily a bad “what’s happening” but more of a good “what’s happening2 me?  LOL.  I’m literally addicted 2 my bible.  I can’t go a day w/out reading it.  I think it’s kinda cool2 have one book you can read 4 the rest of your life.  I’m sitting here thinking about absolutely everything.  From my old life back in Ohio to that night me and Binky stole the car.  It’s enough to lead me to tears – to forever cracking up.

I don’t know where exactly my destiny is at but I have yet2 find out.  I wanna chase God 2/all my heart but I’m kind of afraid2.  I’m afraid of the image I’ll have – and of not being “ashamed” of what I believe but striving for perfection. 

I love Kat n Bec sooo much but I don’t want 2 be like them.  I wanna live fun &  spontaneously 4ever.  And maybe I still can but there’s got to be boundaries. 

Man.  IDK.  I just don’t wanna be like them.  Kathryn is so – black & white with right & wrong.  There’s no in between.  I just want 2 be a Christian & be fun, is that so much2 ask?  I’m still figuring things out while I hang on from one day at a time. 

Oh baby – I’m going shopping today which means everything’s all better.  LOL.  All I wanna do is run from 1 side of the mall2 the other screaming “I love my life.”  LOL.  That’s all the fun I’m looking for.  :-)

I will strive to be better.

In Christ

Heather Marie Lee

Dear Heather,

God created fun and spontaneity. I think He would be happy if it is used responsibly. And if your idea of being a “fun Christian” is running through the mall screaming “I love my life!” I’m pretty sure God would be okay with that. In fact, I know He would. Now the people at the mall – they may have a problem. They might think you are crazy. Not for loving your life, but for running through the mall shouting it to everyone. You might even get arrested for “disturbing the peace!” How ironic would that be?

But compared to the adrenalin rush of stealing your parents car, getting stopped by the police and almost getting hit by a train as you race off into the world to save your best friend from danger – I don’t think it will satisfy your need for freedom and adventure.

I think that what you really want is freedom from the pain. What you want is to feel something. To avoid that numb, superficial feeling that you always seems to follow you.

But remember. You have spent your entire life trying to avoid feeling anything. Now you recognize that it isn’t quite what you bargained for and you want to feel more – but you don’t know how. So you have to do EXTREME things to feel anything.

It doesn’t have to be that way. I think that you are naturally adventurous and daring and risky. That’s really okay. But you need to nurture those qualities in positive ways. If running through the mall will do that for you – go for it. I don’t know if that would be considered “positive” but I also don’t think that it is destructive.

But 5 minutes after you run through the mall screaming – won’t you feel exactly the same as before? Lost. Lonely. Broken. Desperate. You break out into extreme happiness, but it seems to be followed by extreme brokenness.

Your moods shift repeatedly. You are feeling overwhelmed and desperate one day and loving God and recognizing your great life the next. The good days are really good. And the bad days are bad – although interestingly most days you still have a sense of hope – but also a sense of desperation and sorrow.

What is interesting is that those are actually normal feelings for a lot of people – especially hormonal teens – but you experience the extremes of both emotions on a fairly regular basis. My concern is that I think your extremes fall outside the norm for most people.

I don’t think you are bi-polar. It’s not that kind of shift in emotion. It’s seems to be more of a deep search for meaning and purpose in life. That is a long, hard, challenging process for anyone. But you have so much junk and garbage getting in the way – like your attempts to avoid feeling for so long. You are like a baby with your emotions. Some are really new to you and you just don’t know what to do with them.

That’s a lot of info without any real solutions. Sorry. I’m not a psychiatrist or even a counselor. Just a mom to many. Maybe someone else knows what all this means. We just haven’t found them yet.

I also understand that you don’t want to be like Kat or Bec. For the record, Kat has been black and white since birth. She applies the same principals to her faith as she does to everything else in her life. And Bec has always been studious and dependable and not very adventurous. Her nature is to be much more reserved and logical and methodical.

I don’t think any of those words describe the Heather God created. But I don’t think you understand that you could never be like them even if you wanted to. God made you uniquely you. He didn’t make you in their image. He made you in HIS image. There is no one else on earth exactly like you. So you shouldn’t try NOT to be them, any more than you should TRY to be like them. It won’t work. You are you. You just have to figure out who that is! :-)

I can help guide you. I can point out the obvious. I’m pretty sure I can tell you when you are NOT you. But only you will know when you really find yourself!

I love you.

Mom

Heather's Journal #47. "Let me Light up the Sky..." February 12, 2008

47

“Let me light up the sky, Light it up for you.  Lemme tell you which I wud die 4 you.”  Source?

February 12, 2008

So things are getting back2 normal which is good.  I’m trying 2 survive without Mac – I can do it.  I know where I’m going w/ my life and I’m excited2 live it.  I wanna produce a movie one day – I have it in my mind one day I’m gonna make it happen. :-)

For now, I have 2 focus on who I hang out with – which is sooo very hard cuz I like everyone. 

Man- all I wanna do is hang out with Mac and make everything ok but I can’t.  I have2 let him go2 c if he’ll come back2 me.  I know he probably won’t but maybe – just maybe he will if I keep my fingers crossed.  It’s so hard but it’s in God’s hands now.  And I trust Him.

I’m trying 2 be my happy-go lucky self so I don’t drown myself in tears.  Last night I cried myself2 sleep.  Mac’s never hurt my feelings so bad b4.  I talked 2 Mike about it & he helped me. :-)  I’m hangin’ in here.

I’m gonna stuff my face w/ ice cream 2night, go2 church 2mrw night, do somethin’ Thursday night.  And Ray n Tab r spending the night Saturday night.  I’m set4 the week.  :-)  I’m just gonna worry about 2 day though.  I’m prayin4 strength2 get through this ….  Honestly hope he comes back2 me.  If not I’m movin’ on.  I just hope he comes back.

I will strive to be better.

In Christ,

Heather Marie Lee

Dear Heather,

You are wise to wait on him.  He is angry.  But he is angry because he is not ready to accept help for his problems.  He sees his parents as his enemy and you as their helper.  However, you have known for a long time that he needs to get help.  You have put him on that track.  He may not appreciate it for quite some time. 

You did the right thing.  For Mac.  For yourself.  For his Family.  Let God handle him now.

I love you.

Mom

Heather's Journal #46 - "I'm Alive!" 2-10-08

46

“I’m Alive!”

2-10-08

Ah! (2 days after the car incident).  Me n Binky just got our punishment & I’m happy2 say we’re both still alive.  My mind feels @ peace.  Today, I called Mac’s dad & told him the situation and it turned out2 be exactly what I needed to do!

I prayed about it and everything led me2 tell him.  His dad wasn’t even that surprised because he already suspected something, he just didn’t have any real proof. 

But yea,   I think my weekend has been a lil’ more than just wild but I find it kind of funny – how much of the brains that I have that I never really use.  

I just thank God that He protected me & Binky.  The police car.  The railroad tracks.  The ditch.  Everything was enough2 scare us2 death.  But it was most definitely a learning experience and I’m gonna actually start talking to my parents before I go an do something like this again.  Wow.  I’m gonna go rest since this is all over4 the main part.  

I will strive to be better – even though I’m a d.a.

In Christ,

Heather Marie Lee

Dear Heather,

I don’t remember the exact date, but sometime around October 1, 2007 – right about the time you started keeping this journal – you thought process was pretty much the same as it has been lately.  Act without thinking and hope for the best. 

In 2007, your actions got you stripped of all the stuff that was cluttering your life and helping you make bad decisions. (Remember the Bed, Bible, Blanket Drill?)  I didn’t know it at the time, but that consequence got you on a track where you started thinking about things at a much deeper level.  It brought you closer to God.  It made you aware of what mattered in your life.  It’s when you started writing.

Believe it or not, we weren’t trying to punish you – although I’m sure it felt like we were.  It was a consequence designed to help you find the right path for yourself. Taking away your phone and your computer removed some of your opportunities to make middle of the night decisions that didn’t make sense.  Removing all the physical stuff forced you to focus on yourself.  Keeping you from going places forced you to spend more time with the family – at least if you wanted to come out of your room.

Basically, it worked.  But it wasn’t a miracle cure.  You still need lots of guidance.  You are still only 15-years-old.

In thinking about your consequences and your safety for your latest antics, it seems logical that we destroy your permit and stop teaching you to drive until you are mature enough to make good decisions that don’t endanger your life and the life of others who are unlucky enough to be on the road when you make really bad decisions. 

If the policeman who was following you had figured out that you didn’t have a license and that you had stolen the car, you would have gone to juvenile detention and the state would not allowed you to apply for a driver’s license for 2 years. 

You escaped the civil penalty – but not the parental penalty.  I’m grateful, but not because you were spared that punishment and/or consequence –  but because you know I believe that it is our responsibility as parents to help you learn from this mistake - not the government.

As such, your driving privileges are completely removed for at least 6 months.  At that point we will re-evaluate your decision making skills and assess whether you should continue learning to drive.  You will not be allowed to sit for the driver’s test for at least another 6 months after we allow you to have your permit. 

Moreover, as has always been our rule - you are not allowed to drive with any other teenager until they have had their license for at least 6 months.  

This does limit your options.  It means your younger sister will get her license before you.  You will need HER help to get places.  You might want to reconsider the way you treat her. 

Likewise, you are going to need your older siblings’ help.

And my time is limited.  Don’t expect me to go out of my way to take you where you want to go simply because you aren’t able to get your license.  I will handle all the places you NEED to go, but I may not be inclined to break my neck for things that you want, but don’t need.  That’s not a punishment either.  Just a reality.

I know that you were honestly terrified.  You knew the danger of those railroad tracks.  You were deeply impacted by Hannah’s death on those very same tracks.  You write about her – even though you didn’t even know her.  But even that fear will fade and you are likely to forget the risks and act without thinking. 

Nonetheless, I pray that you will grow and mature and learn to make wise decisions.  I admire your desire to help others.  But you can’t help them if you are dead. 

I love you anyway.

Mom 

Heather's Journal #45. "Yup - I Screwed up Again...." 2-??-08

45

“Yup – I screwed up again….”

2-??-08

Tonight’s a night I will never 4get.  Hopefully I can look back at this & laugh but Right now things are pretty dag-gum serious.  Me-n-Binky stole the car2 go help Mac—ahh.  I’ll  write more later but I’m calling it a night since it is already 4a.m….

I will strive2 be better.

In Christ

Heather Marie Lee

Dear Heather,

Yup.  It is pretty dag-gum serious.  Let’s see.  You are 15 and barely have a driving permit – let alone experience driving a car. You snuck out in the middle of the night after we went to bed.  You and Binky stole our car. You even got followed by a sherrif  and managed to avoid getting stopped. (For the record, I would have left you with the police (or at juvenile detention) for the night so you could get a feel for the consequences of some of your decisions.  And yes.  I love you that much.)  And the scariest part is that you got stuck on the train tracks when a train was coming because you didn’t even know enough of the driving rules to know that you have to stop BEFORE the big white line when the railroad lights start flashing!!  How did we miss that lesson?

Overall, you barely escaped death and destruction. 

A few days ago you said you wanted that free and easy feeling, but not the bad kind!  I hope this isn’t what you meant. 

You claim that you weren’t trying to do anything  wrong – you just wanted to rescue your very drunk 15-year-old friend.  What baffles me is that you didn’t even know where he was or how to get there even if you did know his location.  You just started driving.  Or should I say attempting to drive -- with the idea that somehow – in a city of thousands – you would find him and be able to rescue him. 

And the irony is that you were just recently remembering the anniversary of Hannah’s death at these very same tracks.  I think I told you then that you would remember her and be cautious for a while and then you would forget the lessons her death could teach you.  Obviously, you forgot.

You put yourself and Binky at risk without thinking through what you could actually do to help him.  You put all the other people out that night at risk.  Remember how long it took me to overcome the fact that a drunk driver’s decision to drink and drive controlled me and my life for over year.  He didn’t have that right.  You don’t either.  I’m grateful no one else was hurt.

And the truth is - if this boy really needed help – you weren’t doing him any good.

It simply makes no sense.  I can understand that you felt the need to rescue him.  Especially since you seem to be holding yourself responsible for his faith.  But you had to know that you weren’t equipped to rescue him.

And if you didn’t know before – you must have figured it out pretty quickly.  The police.  The train.  The ditch.  Something should have clued you in.  All that happened before you were 5 miles from home. 

What makes your father and I so angry is that you keep making ridiculous decisions when you have reasonable options.  Yet – repeatedly - you simply react without thinking  – hoping that you will figure it out as you go.  What is so crazy is that we have told you repeatedly that we are willing to help you – no questions asked -- even if it is the middle of the night.

Heather.  Think about it.  The State calls us in the middle of the night to take children and teens in crisis into our home.  We have fostered and/or adopted somewhere in the neighborhood of 30 kids – mostly teens.  We take troubled teenagers into our home to LIVE with us.  I teach teenagers.  You of all people know that people call me 24/7 to help them solve or think through all kinds of problems.  This is my life. 

So why do you think that we won’t help you? Why do you not trust us to help your friends?  Why are you so determined to do things your way – even when the results never work out the way you want?

We can’t stop your thoughts, but we have a parental responsibility to physically stop you from doing things that will hurt you or someone else. I hate that you feel the need to do this on your own. 

And trying to help friends without parental involvement does nothing to help them. If this boy really has an alcohol problem and you really want to help him, then YOU can’t do it alone.  It is really egotistical and wrong to believe that you have it together enough to rescue him from his problems.  You can be a friend.  But you cannot be a Savior.  

And your friends can’t help you enough.  You still need help from people with the knowledge, skill and wisdom to help this boy help himself.  Or to protect him from himself if that’s what he needs.   You owe it to him to talk to his parents about what you know.  If you really care about him, you will tell the people who are in the best position to help him. 

Anything else really just makes it all about you.

He may be angry with you, but does that really matter if you want what is best for him?

As for you and Binky, Dad and I will have to think about the consequences that make sense for your choices.  It isn’t about punishment – because that won’t stop your intense desire to help others and your belief that you can make a difference.  It’s about learning from this horribly dangerous situation.  It’s about re-evaluating your thought process and decision making skills.  It’s about your fantasy versus reality. 

And it’s also about trust.  Again.  I can’t trust you to make good decisions. Once again, I will have trouble trusting your word.  It’s clear you don’t trust your father and I to help you.  This has been a core problem for us for years.  I don’t know how to escape or avoid that natural consequence.  But that is the very nature of trust. Once breached or broken, it takes a lot to rebuild that internal feeling that allows us act and make decisions simply based on what someone else says or does.  It’s a feeling of the heart as much as anything else.  You – of all people – know that you can’t force your heart to trust. 

I love you anyway.

Mom

The Conclusion of Mom's Letter to Heather on life, death and happiness!

Dear Heather, 

This is the continuation of yesterday's letter.You wrote that you just wanted to be happy.  And then I blurted out, "I don't think Christianity is a solution to our life problem.  I think it is more a solution to our death problem."  

I had to stop and think about what that meant and why I wrote those words. So I did.

For the record, I'm asking God to throw out whatever isn't of Him.  Sometimes, my human thoughts get mixed up in what God says.  I don't want that to confuse you or me.

So, I’m thinking about what it means to say Christianity isn't a solution to our life problem....   My immediate thought is what I have said many times before.  Becoming a Christian doesn't mean we get a free pass to avoid problems and issues and sin.  It doesn't mean that we won't experience tragedy and hardship.  And it doesn't guarantee that we will always and consistently be "happy" with life here on earth.

What faith in Christ does give us is CERTAINTY IN DEATH.  It guarantees that eternity will be everything we could want and more. 

I can't help but connect this to thoughts that I have been entertaining for some time now about the value of happiness in our lives. (Let me clarify... I'm not talking about joy, but happiness - which I think is different.  But that is a topic for later.) 

I often wonder where we humans got the idea that we are supposed to be “happy.” That somehow, the measure of our success on earth is how happy we feel.

I think happiness is an emotion, not a fact. And emotions aren’t that reliable.

As mother to so many different children I often think about what it would take to make you guys happy. Sometimes, I want to bring you happiness for a special occasion, or because you are struggling and need a little boost.  Unlike most people, I haven't wished or prayed that you be happy. 

It's not that I want you to be unhappy.  That would be crazy.  But two things I do know.  One.  Adam and Eve messed with paradise and that messed up perfection for all of us.  Two. I have come to realize that it is an absolutely impossible task for one person to create happiness for another human being. 

I can create it temporarily. Ice cream almost always does that.  I can provide an atmosphere where my husband and  children can experience happiness.  But I can’t make anyone happy by what I say or what I do – at least not for very long.

Ask any American parent what they want for their children and most will answer, “I just want them to be healthy and happy.” 

Unfortunately, many modern parents seem to believe that they can achieve that goal for their child by giving them whatever they want. 

By letting them make all their own decisions and then rescuing them from the natural consequences.  

By catering to their every need.

By watching over them constantly and making sure they have all that they think they desire - even what is not good for them.

By allowing them to control the choices that impact the entire family.  (Even advertisers understand that many American children control the purse strings - which is why they direct their advertising to children.)

And my personal favorite... by being their friend instead of a parent. (That, too, is another topic for later!)

In the past 40 years, American children have been raised to believe that they are entitled to instant happiness at all times.  Parents’ lives revolve around making their children happy. They try to buy them happiness. They try to create that state of mind.

But mostly, all they have succeeded in doing is creating a greedy, self-centered, egotistical, demanding, dependent generation that is often quite unpleasant to be around. 

And the irony is that as long as each person is pursuing his own happiness – as long as each person believes that he is entitled to exactly what he wants at any given moment -- someone else has to be UNhappy because the individual desires usually conflict with each other. Two people can't be first.

Each person may rightfully try to achieve happiness.  However, if everyone else is seeking the same thing at the same time, without regard to the happiness of others, most people end up being very unhappy most of the time.

Ironically, I’ve had this opinion for most of my adult life. My parents raised us not to be the center of attention. Adults were given that privilege. My father did not believe that children were designed to lead the world and make decisions for the family. My parents took care of all of our basic needs, but we made few decisions that affected the entire family.

Night time was time for the adults.

We were allowed to participate, but only if we were seen and not heard. We weren’t playing with our toys in the middle of the living room demanding food and drink and entertainment.  We sat quietly on the floor or a chair and listened. They treated us like young adults and expected us to act that way. And we did, as much as that was possible.

And if we didn’t. We were banished to the lower two floors of our house. Destined to listen from the staircase – out of sight of the adults.

My mom and dad have the gift of hospitality. They have had someone over for dinner (or drinks and cigars) almost every night of their lives. There was no pattern to the type of people they thought were worthy of their time or generosity. 

There were politicians. Poor people. Rich people. Ex-cons. Former White House staffers. Store Owners. Professionals. Working people. Unemployed people. Hippies. Conservatives.  Jesus Freaks. Athiests. Poets. Artists. Intellectuals. High School Dropouts. People love to spend time with them because they are gracious and generous and knowledgable and they make others feel important and valued. 

And they brought people together that might not otherwise find themselves in the same room. Ever. They did that well.

I remember when we moved into the big house, we had rust-colored long shag carpeting all throughout the upstairs. Over the years it collected buckets of dust and debris deep into the fibers of that soft carpeting. I don’t know how people with allergies survived the shag carpeting era. But that’s another story.

The largest room in the house was the living/dining room – but the children were not allowed to enter that room without permission. It was for adults only – or children that were acting like adults.

Ironically, we had no family room. No television room. No other gathering place except the kitchen. So kids gathered outside or in each other’s rooms. Our friends had rooms like that. And big color televisions. But we didn’t. We had one small black and white television that my parents took out on special occasions – like when the Apollo flights took off and landed. Or on Saturday morning when we crept into the living room to carry the extremely heavy 13-inch clunker through the kitchen and into our bedroom with high hopes that we would not awaken our father, who was asleep on the other side of a partition. All this was done with the hopes that our parents would sleep a little longer, giving us a chance to watch Tom and Jerry, Speedracer, Felix the Cat or Land of the Lost!

From the beginning, our parents lived differently than much of the rest of the world. I don’t think it was for religious reasons.  They just lived the way they thought that they should. Having both grown up as devout Catholics – I feel sure that that influenced their thoughts about what was right and wrong.

Anyway, that room smelled of ciggerettes and pipes. It had casual furniture and lots of paintings of nude woman. Sometimes, the stereo belted out music from Neil Diamond – songs I heard over and over that still make me feel free and happy - the way they did when I poked my head around the staircase to see my small little view of the world in our living room.

Other times, it was classical music or jazz. But there was always music. And candles. And alcohol. Often, I would pick up what I thought was a glass of my watered down Tab Cola – and before I realized it -- I gulped what was left of someone’s scotch and water. Sometimes straight scotch. It was disgusting. I think that must have been when I decided that I would never drink after anyone else - something I still try never to do. It is also probably the time in my life I decided I did not like alcohol. I have no good memories of the feeling of gulping alcohol thinking it was my Tab.

Anyway, that room felt like what adults were supposed to be like. It was worldly. People laughed and cried and talked about the world in that room. I heard many many curse words. I heard my father and mother give advice. I heard arguments about religion and politics and life.

Ironically, I didn’t hear much about God. Although I did hear a lot about the Catholic Church. Mostly negative stuff. At some point in the 1960’s, after Vatican II, my parents began to see hypocrisy in the church and strayed away from it. Mom still took us to church and we went to Catholic School – but my parents were clearly not happy with the way the church was addressing things like the Civil Rights Movement and other social issues of the 1960’s and 1970’s.

We didn’t talk about it much then. And frankly, we don’t talk about it much now. This is my understanding of what happened based on my childhood memories.

You might think I got sidetracked on memories of my childhood – which I did. But I did it because it relates to my concept of happiness. And creating happiness. And parents duty to make their children happy. My parents taught me a lot about that.

Anyway, that leads me to thinking about the death part. I think we were originally designed to be happy all the time – that heaven was on earth so to speak – in the Garden of Eden. In Paradise. When we were fully connected to and with God.

But after the fall of man – after Adam and Eve chose to disobey God on behalf of us all - it was impossible to be happy because we were separated from God. We were separated by sin.

And even now, when we accept God. When we accept Jesus as our Savior and become a Christian, our old bodies are washed away and replaced with new bodies in the spirit. But our fleshly body remains the same. And flesh is where the sin is.

Even though Ms. Smith in The Christian’s Secret of a Happy Life says God intended for us to fully overcome sin here on earth – somehow, my experience and knowledge has demonstrated that we can’t seem to ever fully escape it. Some people control themselves better than others. Some people have more trust in God than others. But none is free of sin.

(For the record, I may not fully understand what Ms. Smith is saying just yet. I am open to new revelations. If I learn new things, I will share them with you. If you learn something new – tell me.)

So, now we get to the death part. Becoming a Christian does not mean we get whatever we want whenever we want so that we can be happy all the time here on earth. It does not mean we will escape our problems. It doesn’t mean we are suddenly good people. But it does assure our happiness in heaven after we die.

And in the middle – between accepting Christ as our Savior and death – comes all the stuff in between. Some things are really really good. Some things are really really bad. Some things seem so bad it seems unreal or unfair or mean or evil. But they are also our opportunity for growth. They are when we can learn the most. They are the times when we can choose to learn from the experience. They are the times that give us a deeper understanding of others and their trials. They are the times when we can trust that God will keep his promise and that ultimately, all our hardships become opportunities for Him to be glorified.

Unfortunately, the middle is both necessary and hard. But overall, it is what makes life meaningful to each of us.

I love you,

Mom

P.S. I’m sorry you feel pushed aside and too much trouble. You do take a lot of time, but it isn’t a waste of time. That is another one of those lies you believe that makes your life more miserable than it needs to be.

Heather's Journal #44 - "So This is it Huh--" 2-6-08

44

“So This is it Huh--”

2-6-08

For the past few days I’ve been staring into space w/out any energy @ all to make a facial expression.  It’s like my life is so predictable.  I’m beginning 2 hate it but I’m gonna take care of it – I went to church 2day and prayed. Since then I feel sooo much better. 

I wonder if it’s like, suuuper bad 2 know you’re gonna sin but u still choose 2 do it.  I mean is that double bad?  My mind is bouncing from thought to thought and I feel lost again.

What do I have 2 rely on?!? I’m sick of all these ups & downs.  I just wanna stay happy.  I feel like if I don’t have something 2 do or go 2 then my source of survival is cut off. 

What the heck?!? Shouldn’t God be enough?  I know He should & He is @ times but what do I do 2 make things go down hill again?  Is it merely time that does it 2 me or staying in my room attacking my mind w/ never ending questions?

This whole teenage life is just dumb.  I just hope I make it out alive.  Mom n Dad are driving me crazy.  They don’t know what I need even when I try 2 xplain it.  I feel pushed aside which I guess is ok since I’ve already caused them so much time & trouble over the yrs. But I need 2 survive.  It’s my life we’re talking about here – not some pony I’ve been asking 4 since I was 3.

*I’m gonna try 2 continue 2 strive to be better.

Heather Marie Lee

Dear Heather,

Dad and I are driving you crazy again? Not really a surprise. I’m not sure how to avoid that part of being a teenager. It kind of goes with the territory. And most of the time the feeling is mutual. :-)

When you were younger we just expected you to obey us. We didn’t ask for your opinions about our parenting style. We parent the way we think that we are supposed to – but we aren’t perfect. Now, we still expect you to obey, but we want to teach you to make your own decisions at the same time. Our own frustrations and emotions get involved and we don’t do everything very well at times. Sometimes a lot of the time. We have to account for that sin with God and I’m not sure how I will justify it. :-)

The deal is that while you are trying to figure out who you are and what you believe, we are still feeling responsible for trying to guide you. We have our own agenda. Our own set of duties and obligations. And they may not be consistent with your agenda. That’s part of growing up. We have to work through all this stuff. It’s not usually very easy - which is why it isn’t much fun!

As for not knowing what you need – I’m sorry. The truth is I don’t know exactly what you need. I’m not sure you do either. Your emotions change with the wind. Your feelings go from one extreme to the other. What makes you feel better one second is what causes you to go postal the next minute. It’s complicated and we don’t have the answers.

I know.  I know. You hate when I say that. But it’s true. I don’t know how to fix all the problems.

But let me dare to ask? Can you write into words exactly what it is you think that you need from us? Maybe if you can write it, we will both have a better idea of what you think you need.

Interestingly, you asked if it is double bad to know you are going to sin and then choose to do it anyway? That’s an interesting question. I’m not sure this is the complete biblical answer to that question – but based on what I do know – I can say two things: First, your sins have already been paid in full by Jesus when he died on the cross. You will live in eternity with God. BUT…. And here’s the but in life again … you do have to account for your sins in heaven and live with the consequences here on earth.

You know what I find interesting? I think you answer your own question. The double bad part of choosing to sin is how you feel about yourself when you do that. I don’t think you need to worry about whether me or dad or God will be disappointed, because you hate yourself for making that choice. So yea, in a sense it is double bad. Maybe even triple bad.

Can you picture standing in front of God and saying, “Yep God. It was a rough day. I didn’t really feel like dealing with my parents griping at me so I just lied to make it easier. What’s the big deal anyway? It’s not like I haven’t lied a million times before. It’s not like they really believe me anyway. So yea. That’s my excuse. You're good with that, right?”

What I really see is the impact of your sin in your daily life. You are miserable. You hate yourself for choosing to sin. You want to stop, but you don’t know how. The irony is that you are looking to feel good. I think you actually said you want to “stay happy.” But what would a happy life look like to you? What would you be doing? What makes you truly happy?

And I don’t mean the chocolate milk tastes good and lying in the street in the rain is so much fun kind of happy. I’m talking about the kind of happiness that comes from being truly content and satisfied with yourself and others. And God. What do you think it would take to be that kind of happy?

Sadly, Christianity is not the solution to all of life’s problems. Becoming a Christian does not make us instantly happy with our lives. I think it is more of a solution to our death problem.

Okay. I just wrote that and I’m not sure where that came from. That happens a lot when I write. I just type and the words flow from me. Then I have to re-read them and take them apart to figure out what they mean. 

I think I will stop here and think about this.  Then finish my letter....

I love you. 

Back after I think...

Mom

Heather's Journal #43 - "90 Miles Outside Chicago, Can't Stop Drivin'..." January 31, 2008

43

“90 Miles Outside Chicago, can’t stop drivin’.  I don’t know why? So many questions I need an answer.  2 years later.  You’re still on my mind.”  SOURCE ???

January 31, 2008

Another day ~ I woke up this morning think it was gunna be a crap day but surprisingly it wasn’t.  I mean it wasn’t amazing or nothin’, just not as bad as I thought it was gunna be.  I’m not really sure where my mind has been these past couple a days.  Tonight I’m gunna take a while focusing 100% on God & ask forgiveness.  I think that might be my problem.  I need sum Jesus.  Lol.

Where has my life of fun gone?!?!?  All my friends seem to be disappearing faster than ever.  I used2 be so bubbly and now – everything’s the same.  Same school.  Same frusterations.  Same solutions.  Same thoughts.  Everything.  I mean I’m happy, but when will things go my way?  I wanna go back 2 my kind of fun.  Nots bad fun – just that ‘let it all go’ kind of feeling.

Stress has consumed me & now – I’m taking control again.  I’m finally happy.  It’s time I start acting more like it.  This weekend is gonna be pimp.  I’m gonna worship God with all my heart & live not4 this world, but4 me.  Oh ya baby.  Dat’s my style.  J 

I will strive be better.

In Christ

Heather Marie Lee

Dear Heather,

Wow, Girl!  You are so confusing. You sound like part Jesus Freak and part Old Self.  Which I guess is fairly accurate.  We are all a little of both. :-)

Okay.  Let me see if I understand. Or if I can write it.

You love God.  You want to follow Him.  You know that you are miserable without Him.

But… and there is always a but… you also want to have a good time and feel free and easy without worries or pressure.  Somehow.  Loving God isn’t quite giving you the level of excitement that you think that you want. 

You want new and exciting things to happen so you can feel alive.  You don’t want bad exciting, but good exciting.  But you aren’t exactly sure what that means.  So, you aren’t even sure you would know it if you see it. 

You are bored by the routine of every day. 

Same school.  The funny thing is the kids who have to change schools all the time are wishing they could stay in the same place.  That is “the grass is always greener” problem I mentioned the other day.

Same frustrations. (Oh Boy!  I so wish I could stop having the same frustrating things happen all the time.) I’m convinced that the only way to solve this problem is to stop getting frustrated by the things I can’t change.  That’s so easy to say and so so so hard to accomplish!  Did I mention it was hard?  I haven’t figured that out.  Let me know if you do.

Same solutions.  I guess that is true. They are the same solutions because they are the right solutions.  But like I said.  Easier said than done. 

Same thoughts.  Again.  Becoming  a Christian means that we lose our old self and become a new self in God’s image.  But there is now a battle from within. Our old self is constantly struggling to expose itself.  Our new self is easily able to win the battle.  But what do we do?  We have an internal battle that consumes us if we let it.  Thus, the same thoughts!?!

Does that about sum it up? 

Now, the next sentence is a little more challenging for me. You said, “I mean I’m happy, but when will things go my way?”

Huh?

If you are happy then you are happy even though things don’t go your way.  If you are already happy, what will you gain from things going your way?  I’m confused.

Oh well.  I guess I’ll have to be satisfied being confused.  You might unconfuse me tomorrow!

I love you.  

Mom

Mom's Journal... " Darkness Cannot Consume Me"

Note:  Today I'm grieving all over again.  I've been so busy trying to get the kids in a school routine, I barely have time to look at my computer - let alone post.  But today I had to stop and write.  Sorry for the interruption in our regular blog.  But this is important.

"Darkness Cannot Consume Me"

September 6, 2012

I’m on the verge of tears again today. Nevermind.  Just typing those words started the flood. What starts as a steady stream of tears turns into a cry that comes from the depths of my soul.  The kind of wail that makes breathing a challenge and can’t be stopped until the anguish is fully released. 

I’m overwhelmed with empathy and sympathy for the lost and hurting people in the world.  Two days ago another young woman our family is associated with died a needless and tragic death.  It was her 20^th Birthday.

One look at her Facebook page tells me all I need to know about how much she was hurting.  Days before she died, she wrote, “I’m not scared to die, I’m a little bit afraid of what comes after it.”  

Her banner background had these handwritten words, “My bright is too slight, to hold back all my dark.” 

News of her death triggered grief over Heather and made me miss her all over again. This young woman conveyed the sense of hopelessness that makes me so sad.  There is so much good in the world, but hopelessness allows it to be covered by so much darkness. 

I didn’t know this young woman personally.  She went to the same school that Heather did.  I don’t know if they knew each other.  They were almost exactly the same age, so I’m guessing that they did.  Heather would have understood and befriended her.  I’m sure.

I wish I had met her.  I wish I knew her story.  I have no idea what made her hurt so deeply.  I couldn’t have changed it.  I know that.  But maybe my experience with Heather showed me how I could have loved her anyway.  And pointed her in the direction of the only thing that could change her. Maybe I could have shown her that she wasn’t alone. 

I have to ask myself, why I feel such a strong need to speak into the lives of these kids?  I don’t really know.  But it is a passion that has always been a part of me.

Several young woman who have read our blog have been writing me privately about issues they face that are similar to Heather’s. Some keep their identify a secret so that they can speak freely. I can’t help but wonder if the young women that just died was one of the ones who had been conversing with me. 

And that makes me cry even more. 

I need to turn the lie into Truth. 

With God, my light is so bright, that darkness cannot consume me.