Heather's Journal #32. "I Find Peace In Him." 12-04-07

32

“I Find Peace In Him.”

12-04-07

*smiles * Today has been tough but I talked 2 God & not only found a solution 2 make me feel better but I accepted it.  For the past few days I’ve been struggling with Temptation so badly.  I was planning on doing something - like I really was - but I’ve spent the entire morning crying about it so I called it off when I really started thinking about it.

My heart was pounding wondering if there was any possible way I’d get caught but then, this morning I realized something so much bigger than that.  God is so much bigger than my parents – and he would c me doing this.  I wouldn’t have 2 even question if God caught me -- if I know that He already sees everything.  It made me laugh cuz humans can be so close-minded & unaware of everything.  *sigh * I’ve really gotta start school now but I just wanted 2 let u know that temptation has not won me over.  I chose God. 

*I will strive 2 be better.

In Christ           

Heather Marie Lee

Dear Heather,

Good use of that new-found freedom!    Once again, something I read in The Christian’s Secret to a Happy Life reminds me that truth doesn't change much. I’ve said similar things to you already, but she puts a lot of thoughts together about temptation in a way that I haven’t yet written – so I don’t need to rewrite it because I agree.

Besides, I find it somehow comforting to know that a book written about the thoughts of Christians 140 years ago expresses thoughts both you and I have expressed countless times today.

Remember when I taught you my definition of history:  It is the study of man’s reactions to events over time? 

Individual humans can change, but as a species, humans basic thoughts don’t change very much.  140 years ago isn’t that long – but it is long enough for us to see a pattern in human thoughts unrelated to the time period we live in.  As a history teacher, I think that is an interesting fact.  (Nerd momma.  I know.)    

So anyway, she has a chapter entitled, “Difficulties Concerning Temptations.”  She wrote,

“ Certain great mistakes are made concerning the matter of temptation in the practical working out of the life of faith.”

 First, people seem to expect that after the soul has entered into rest in the Lord, temptations will cease; they think the promised deliverance is to be not only from yielding to temptation, but also even from being tempted.    

Next, they make the mistake of looking upon temptation as sin, and of blaming themselves for suggestions of evil, even while they abhor them.  This brings thems into condemnation and discouragement, if continued in, always ends at last in actual sin.  Sin makes an easy prey of a discouraged soul; so that we fall often from the very fear of having fallen.  

To meet the first of these difficulties, it is only necessary to refer to the Scripture declarations which state the Christian life is to be throughout a warfare; and that it is especially so when we are ‘seated in heavenly places in Christ Jesus.’ We are called to wrestle against spiritual enemies, whose power and skill to tempt us must doubtless be far superior to any we have heretofore encountered.   

….

The second mistake is harder to deal with. Temptation is not sin, yet much distress arises from not understanding this fact.  The enemy whispers doubts, blasphemies, jealousies, envyings, and pride, then turns rounds and says, ‘Oh, how wicked you must be to think such things! It is very plain you are not trusting the Lord; if you had been, it would be impossible for these things to have entered your heart.’” p. 43-44.

Okay.  Maybe I need to rephrase a little to simplify it for you.  All she is saying is that accepting Christ doesn't mean we won't be tempted.  But being tempted to sin is not the same as sin.  However, we sometimes think that being tempted IS sin and then we get discouraged.   And when we get discouraged and believe we have already sinned – we go ahead and commit the sin that we were tempted to commit. 

And that is because on earth we face spiritual warfare.  The enemy tries to tempt us and sway us. He tries to trick us with thoughts that we don't really believe enough or trust God enough and he wants us to think that that is sin too.  But it isn't true.  


God can handle it when we have doubts.  When we wonder.  When we start to slip.  He understands us and loves us anyway. But Satan doesn't want us to believe the truth.

The  part you have to keep remembering is that Satan only succeeds if we allow him.  In essence, we have to give him permission, because we have God on our side and he has already won.  I know we have talked about that before.

Anyway, it all makes a little more sense to me now.  I am still in a learning curve.  I hope I always will be.  If I stop learning, I feel like I would stop living. 

I love you.

Mom

Heather's Journal #31. "A Long Jordin Sparks quote..." 12-03-07

31

“To admit that I’m wrong and then change my mind, sorry but I have 2 move on & leave u behind.  I can’t waist time so give it a moment.  I realize nothing’s broken. No need 2 worry ‘bout things I’ve done, Live every second like it was my last one.  Don’t look back @ a new direction.  I loved u once - needed protection.  You’re still a part of everything I do – you’re in my heart just like a tattoo…” Jordin Sparks

12-03-07

*sigh * Sometimes I know exactly what I need 2 do – I just can’t bring myself to ever do it… I need to leave this teenage love behind.  And if I look back, I’ll smile - but that’s all it will ever be.  I don’t wanna go back 2 my old ways & I won’t. I’ve finally got gmail & aim so that proves mom & dad r trusting me.  *smiles * yay.  I don’t feel like I’m in prison anymore. Lol – just on probation.  Haha.  Right now I’m leaving everything behind.  To have that kind of a burden taken off – is so amazingly awesum. 

And it only took me 4ril thinking it – putting it into action is a whole new story but if I really want this the way I think I do – w/ some prayer I can do it.  I’ve spent so much time missing Dan but I know that if I could have him back – I wouldn’t truly be happy. So why am I wishing 4 that?  I don’t understand myself @ all.  Now I’m ready 2 move on.  I’m finally ready.  It was the funnest hell I’ve been through but now I’m ready 4 something much bigger… I’m ready 2 focus 100% totally on God.

And I always could have but I was still holding on too tight, I’m letting go & I’m gunna give it all 2 Him.

*I will strive 2 be better.

In Christ,

Heather Lee

Dear Heather,

Freedom.  Isn’t it great?  And scary? And dangerous? And powerful? Use it wisely. :-)

Sounds like you are not only free of the prison we created for you because you disobeyed us – but you are also free from the self-imposed prison you make for yourself when you ignore God and try to do it your way!

Now I think we need to talk about love for a few more minutes. 

God created you to love and to be loved.  He created the desires of your heart.  But He created us to love in a way that I think is very different than the way you understand it right now. You are still quite young and therefore have a limited view of love.  Ironically, the people that you profess to love also have a limited view.  Together, you don’t yet understand how to give or feel love the way God meant for your heart to be filled. 

I think that what your heart really desires is the kind of committed, enduring love that forms the basis of most good marriages?

Some people first learn what unconditional love feels like from their family.  I know that my family is family – no matter what.  And no matter how bad I am.  No matter how many mistakes I make.  No matter how much of a failure I am.  My parents, grandparents, and siblings will love me anyway. 

Sometimes that is spoken in families, but my guess is that more often it is just the way we feel.  We know it because we feel the same way way towards them.  No matter how mad I got at my parents.  No matter what they did.  There was never a question in my mind about whether I still loved them.  Somehow, I just knew that they felt the same way about me.   It’s not something I really ever thought about because I didn’t need to think about it. I just knew.

My guess is that you don’t have that secure feeling that I have.  You wonder if your birth family really loves you because they didn’t keep you.  And I suspect you associate them keeping you with them loving you. 

I doubt that you can even imagine that they loved you enough to let you go – knowing that they couldn’t give you what they know you needed.  But I can imagine that.

Sometimes, giving up something that you love is the greatest sign of love.  It says -I care about you more than I care about my own feelings.  I am willing to endure losing you because I think You will be better or safer or happier in another place.  It takes a very strong person to willingly give up anything they value – especially a child.

This may sound strange to you – but even if a mom is a drug addict or a prostitute or a lazy person who refuses to take responsibility for her life  - it’s still takes an act of love and courage for her to admit that she is not the best person to care for the life she helped create.    

So anyway, I think that you are missing the security that comes from just “knowing” that your birth family loves you no matter what.  I know that you love them in spite of whatever happened or whatever they did, but I doubt that you can imagine that they feel the same way about you.  You don’t believe that you deserve love, therefore you can’t imagine that they love you the same way you love them. 

And as much as I wish it weren’t true - your dad and I are not an adequate substitute for the “I just know” feeling you get when you are living with the family first created for you.  You know that we love you.  You know that we will keep you.  You know that you have done a lot of really dumb things and we still love you anyway – but I don’t think that is good enough to replace the certainty you might have had with your birth family.

I think it might have even been different if we had adopted you as a newborn  or very young baby.  We might have been able to instill that trust before you started to rationalize your feelings.  But that didn’t happen, so we’ll never know.  Fortunately, not everyone who is adopted feels the way that you do.  I wouldn’t want to discourage anyone from adopting, but it makes sense to understand the possibilities.

Anyway, I have learned one surprising thing over the 35 years that I have been taking care of other people’s children.  No matter how bad the situation is at home – drugs, alcohol, abuse, rape, beatings, yelling, poverty, no lights, no food, lice, you name it – most kids would choose to stay with their family in the horrible circumstances rather than be separated.  This is true even if they could move into what might be labeled a “perfect family.”

  

As irrational as it sounds, experience tells me that the parental bond is so strong that even if your early life was absolutely horrible and you were neglected and abused all throughout your life – you still might have had a better chance of feeling that kind of unconditional love that comes from biological connections than you did by coming to us after 6 previous placements.

Maybe recognizing that can help you begin to heal.  Maybe knowing can help you begin to re-define love in God’s terms.

The love of family is the best example we have of the kind of love I think you want.  Your dad and I love you forever, but I don’t think you have ever let your heart truly believe that.  You have a little barrier in place that you use to protect yourself in case we decide to dump you one day.  That barrier keeps you from feeling the love we give.

Love is complicated.  But it is worth it.

I love you.

Mom

Heather's Journal #30. "That Teenage luuv..." 12-2-07

30

“That teenage luuv…”

12-2-07 (but she wrote 11-2-07)

I’m baaack.  :-) Nothing too drastic has happened to me… that I can remember at least.  Lol.  I’m still trying to get Mac-face 2 come 2 church with me, but I’m still praying about it.

Our family camping trip is coming up… oooh goody.  Lol. Maybe it’ll rain super hard so we can go to the mall or something… haha.

Okay I’m going to be 100% completely honest so mom/dad/any1 else that finds this, I’m sorry but this is just how I feel.  Last night I went to the movies & stood in the exact spot I gave Dan our last kiss… it made me miss him sooo much.  And maybe I shouldn’t miss him but I was so used 2 having him 2 go 2 4 six months.  I didn’t care that he wasn’t that attractive, his annoying side or when he was just a flat out jerk… I think I loved him & that’s all I cared about.  He was just a normal teenager and he treated me right.  OK… so he did pressure me a little but what guy wouldn’t?  Am I giving him too much credit?  I dunno – maybe I was settling 4 something less but I could have been a heck of a lot stronger too.  But we’re both different now so maybe… gah… nevermind.  Sometimes I want him back so bad (only if we’d be different though) cuz I swear I’d be stronger but it is easy 2 go back 2 ur old ways I guess.

This is where I push back on the heart-ache and trust that God knows what He’s doing it up there..  *sigh * It’s sooo tough but one day I’ll be looking back at them 2/ my future husband just laughing. I know these teenage relationships won’t mean a thing when I find the one but it’s all a part of growing up… I just can’t wait to meet the person God has 4 me.

In Christ,

Heather Lee

*I almost 4got 2 strive 2 be better. Lol *

Dear Heather,

Wow!  There is so much for a mother to say.  But I’ll try not to  sound too preachy.  Forget that!  I’m a mom.  It’ll sound preachy no matter what I say and I'm okay with that!

Let’s start at your conclusion …. You said, “I know these teenage relationships won’t mean a thing when I find the one but it’s all a part of growing up….”  Unfortunately, you are only partially right.  Done well, these relationships can teach you a great deal and be part of growing up in Western culture.  But done wrong – they will tear another gaping hole in your heart.  Sadly, you will have given part of your heart away to someone who was never meant to have it and who may not treat it with the respect and honor it deserves.

I know that you can’t wait to meet the person God has for you.  But do you mean, “I’m so excited.  The anticipation is killing me, but I know God has a plan for me and I’ll wait for His timing?” 

Or is it more like this: “God.  I can’t wait.  You know I need a guy to make me feel good about myself. You know I need a guy to touch me and hold me and tell me I’m beautiful. You know I need someone to love.  You know I need someone that will say he loves me.  You know I want to have fun.  You know I don’t want to be the only one without a guy.  You know I need someone.  So, while I’m waiting on You to get Your act together and meet my needs with the guy You have chosen for me, I’ll just find my own boyfriends?  Okay, God?”

My guess is that you feel the need to fill in the gaps for God. :0

You asked yourself, “Am I giving Dan too much credit?”  As you do frequently -- you answer your own questions without realizing it.  And sometimes, you give really good advice.  Maybe if I repeat what you said – you can hear yourself!

He pressured me.  He was a jerk.  He was annoying. (Okay – that’s true of everyone – so no points off there.) I gave all of myself to him.  I wasn’t strong enough to say no.  He cheated on me.  Maybe I am settling for something less.  I wouldn’t want him back if things were like before.

Does this sound like the man you think God made just for you?  Even if he was – you are 15 and just starting high school – are you strong and mature enough to remain pure and wholesome with the man God chose for you until you are actually ready to get married? Or would you be too impatient and mess up God’s plans for you?  (My educated guess - I think you know yourself well enough to know you aren’t yet ready for a lifetime commitment.  And God probably knows that too!)

From reading your journals, I know that you understand that God wants you to turn to Him to fulfill your need for love and affection. Unfortunately, knowing and understanding doesn’t mean we do what we know is right.  You probably don’t need to me tell you that because you say it often. But we all need reminders and accountability.  So consider this my gentle reminder – or a slap across the face – whichever you need.

Quit trying to do this yourself! This is one of those times when being stubborn and independent doesn’t work so well.  Be patient and wait for God. The results will be much better!

Okay.  So, I know that I’ve told you and your sisters this many times before… but moms feel the need to repeat the important stuff.  It comes with the job title. :-) Lesson 2,485.  You aren’t ready to be with another person until you are right with God and you are full and complete and happy all alone. Each person should go into the relationship with his or her heart as close to 100% whole as possible.

Only when you are full and complete and healed will you be ready to become one flesh with another person.  I’m not saying you have to be perfect.  Or that you can’t have issues.  We are all imperfect and have issues.  And we always will.

I’m saying that relationships are best when we have taken the time to grow and mature and focus on our relationship with God – where He helps us work out the big stuff -- before we add all our garbage to another person. 

Think about it.  You aren’t just combining the good stuff with the other person.  You bring all of your garbage and crap into the relationship and that gets combined into the one flesh too! 

Sounds a little weird I know.  But that’s what God says marriage is… when two people become one.  When one or both people come into the marriage broken or incomplete, they don’t suddenly become unbroken and whole just because they get married.

And I suspect what you really want is what most of us want.  You want to be valued for who you are as a person, but you want a life-time love affair with a man who will play the roles you aren’t meant to play – warrior, protector, fighter, leader of your home.

The problem is that most of us know we should put God first and let him fill the voids, but we do the exact opposite.  We know that we have holes in our heart.  But we think that if we find someone who doesn’t struggle with the same issues, or someone who is strong where we are weak – that that will make us whole again. But that’s a lie.

And in case you are wondering, it doesn’t really matter what causes the hole – the result is the same. You can’t expect to find someone else to make-up for your bad qualities. It’s not fair to expect some guy to “make you happy.”  It is simply too much responsibility.  No human will ever make another person happy because God didn’t make humans to fulfill that role.  We can add to a person’s happiness – but we can’t create it in another person.  I know that is a pretty deep concept.  Does it make sense?

And as for timing, I suspect that your future husband needs time to prepare for you too – either to repair his brokenness or to mature his Godly leadership so he can be a strong husband for you.

If I were God, I would make your perfect man a Godly, mature, whole, gentle, strong, adventurous, daring leader.  And he would have become that man either because he suffered much and overcame it with God.  Or, because he grew up knowing and pursuing God and has a heart of understanding, love, and grace for those who have suffered much.

That’s not the man you described in Dan.  At least not yet.  Ironically, you are right.  He’s just a typical teenager.  Which is exactly why he shouldn’t be your boyfriend.  You need good guy friends.  Not “romantic teen relationships.”

Enough mommy preaching.  But it’s the truth.  And I know that you know that.  Just a reminder. 

I love You.

Mom

Heather's Journal #29. "Untitled." 11-30-07

29

No Title

11-30-07

What the heck do I do?!?  I’m changing so much… and I’m struggling 2 keep the same personality.  I refuse to be one of those boring/pain in the butt adults.  I had a break-down the other night.  I wud have written but I was too upset.  Mom & Dad were yelling @ me b/c I’m failing math.  They usually don’t care about my grades – but I guess that’s cuz I don’t usually fail either.  Idk, I just got so upset.  Then I went 2 my room & 4 freaking people knock on my door when they know I just wanna be left alone – I even sent Binky away, which is unusual. 

I started opening this binder 2 write, saw my dad’s picture & then punched the Crap out of it.  I have a super painful bruise on my right hand from it but it sure felt good. 

So, I’m guessing I’ve definitely reached the angry part in the grieving process.  I’ve grown up with this fantasy that it was never my parents’ fault, that they just wanted what’s best and maybe, just maybe they were gonna win me back later.  I did figure out that I didn’t want to go back there again but I still pictured him as my hero. 

Now, it’s just – Idk.  Trying 2 4get & then learning how 2 deal w/ it when I remember.  I’m doing good over-all.  Christmas is only 25 days away – so hard 2 believe.

I’m still caught in a wad about -----.  I don’t know what 2 do.  *sigh * May God be with me and my idiot of a brain.

I haven’t talked 2 Brad in a while and I’m completely fine w/ it.  No is my answer.  For all the times I asked myself if I was really in love, the answer is no.  I hate that it has taken all of this time 2 realize that but it has.  He had all of me – Idk.  Maybe he’ll never care but I’m suure I don’t, @ least anymore.  So, yep, this is the latest update – 4 now. Lol.

*I will strive to be better

In Christ,

Heather Marie Lee

Dear Heather,

We are mad at you for failing math because we know you have so much more potential.  But maybe all this dad stuff is getting in the way and since you aren’t talking about it – we don’t realize that there is a connection. 

So, let’s forget math for now.  We can fix that later. You can make the math go away (especially since I’m your teacher :0), but you can’t push out the feelings that keep coming up over Daddy B.  Like you said, you are at the angry stage and that is part of the grieving process. 

You are going to have to get all the way to the end of this.  It’s almost like someone died.  But in your case, it’s your dream that died.  The image of your father as a loving, protective man who had only your best interest at heart.  Your dream that he really wanted to keep you and just couldn’t.  That’s all sad stuff and you can’t just pretend like it doesn’t matter.

Deal with it baby.  Don’t stuff it back in.  Don’t pretend.  Work through the pain.  You will survive it.

I love you.

Mom 

Heather's Journal #28. "Untitled" 11-26-07.

Note:  A young girl  in our community was killed in an accident at a train track near her high school.  She was riding with 4 other friends.  The driver stopped for the train, but somehow, the car moved onto the tracks and was hit by the train.  Hannah was killed.  It shocked many young people.  Heather didn't personally know her, but knew people that did.  Obviously, Hannah's death made an impression.  Unfortunately, it didn't change Heather's driving habits. From the moment she got her permit, she drove with reckless abandon.  That always scared me. 

28

No Title

11-26-07

Life is coming too fast.  Tomorrow will be Hannah’s 1 year mark of her death.  I never knew her, but I’ve seen pictures & I’ve heard sooo much about her.  I can’t believe it’s already been a whole year… gah.  Well May Hannah rest in peace. :-)  She is chillin’ w/ Jesus – How much luckier can you get?

I can’t wait till 2morrow – I have a cute outfit.  I get 2 c Emily & Misty, my favorite t.v. show is comin’ on n its gunna be pimpin’.  I don’t have much 2 say but I gotta get 2 bed.  Peace out ninja. 

*I will strive 2 be better

In Christ

Heather Marie Lee

Dear Heather,

You didn’t really know Hannah, did you?  But you knew her friends, I guess.  It’s weird how the death of a young person impacts so many other young people.  It’s a big reality check for ya’ll and it is so scary for the parents.  I think you guys feel like you will live forever and nothing bad will ever happen to you. Then Hannah gets killed in a car/train accident and you have to face reality.  Everyone is a lot more careful for a little while – but then people settle back into their old routines and forgets the lessons her death could teach you.

           

I’m glad to know she’s in heaven chillin’ with Jesus.  That’s the hope for a future that I was talking about in one of my earlier letters.  Can you imagine if we believed that there was nothing beyond this life?  If this was all there was – I’d say give me a refund!!

I love you.

Anna           

P.S.  When you start driving.  Remember the lessons from Hannah’s death.  Please.  One of my greatest fears is that I will lose one of ya’ll in a car accident.  I guess my accident makes me more scared than most people.  Just work with your momma, okay?

Heather's Journal #27. "October Skies" 11-20somethin-07

27

“October Skies”

11-20somethin-07

It’s exactly 1:12 a.m. at the moment.  Why I’m still up Idk. Lol.  Me n Binky fell asleep watching our favorite reality TV. Show.  I love that girl – she’s my hero. :-)

Today/Tomorrow is the Alabama v. Auburn game.  And I’m totally excited but I know I’ll just be looking 4 Dan’s face everywhere I look.  He wanted 2 meet w/ me there but – I had a dream that night that definitely changed my mind about even considering that thought.  I was laying in bed & just asked God 2 tell me anything I needed2know.  I woke up the next morning & just thanked God.

I had a dream I was on Dan’s lap @ the game with a bunch of orange around me. (orange meaning I was @ some Auburn game.)  And I looked behind me & mom was just sitting there watching me.  I started crying & B4 I knew it the whole stadium was looking @ me and I had that heavy feeling of regret.  Now tell me that’s not a sign from God.  Lol. 

I can’t believe I was even considering it B4.  After everything I’ve already been through.  But Idk – I guess I just wanted 2 re-live a moment w/ Dan.  Hard 2 believe I know.  But I was so emotionally attached 2 him  -- sometimes I’d give anything 2 be w/him just one more night.  But I know even if I had 1 more night with him, it wouldn’t satisfy me completely.  And that’s what I’m looking 4. 

I’m sick of this half-way crap.  That dream- was all I needed 2 snap outa that.       Lol.  But if I happen to bump into Dan @ the game- I’m running so far in the opposite direction.  I’m not gonna lose.  And this isn’t even about the trouble I’d get in.  (Although it helps.) It’s about disappointment.  True regret and that layer of guilt I’ve just now gotten rid of.  I look back @ the very 1^st page of this binder & I can already tell a huge difference & that was only like a month ago.  It’d just be silly 2 go back 2 my old ways – even 4 a sec. of “half-way" satisfaction.  I think not.  *sigh *

Things are good – for now.  :-) I’m growing stronger with the love of God & I can finally look back and see it.  It’s all coming together.  Thank God.

*I will Strive 2 be better

In Christ,

Heather Marie Lee

Dear Heather,

I told you God has a sense of humor.  Even in our dreams.  He knew just how to get your attention.   Glad you realize that your way was not His way!

I read something the other day that I wrote down. “God’s work depends on our cooperation…”  It was from the book The Christian’s Secret to a Happy Life, which I think is a very strange title.  It sounds like a checklist for happiness.  In a way, she gives instructions on what she believes God told her about finding happiness.  One of the things that she said, is Our job is to trust.  God’s job is to work. p.12

She has a way of expressing what so many of us think, so I will use her words.  “… the greatest burden, the most difficult thing we have to manage in life is self – daily living, feelings, special weaknesses and temptations that worry us and bring us into bondage and darkness.  You must hand yourself and all you are over in to the care and keeping of your God and leave it all there.  Then rest, trusting yourself to Him, continually and absolutely.”  P. 14  

She goes on to describe that we are to be like little children who trust that they will be taken care of – a trust that exists even when a parent or caretaker is not worthy of that trust. If we can have that same kind of unfettered trust in God to meet all of our needs, He would meet our needs graciously. 

The problem is, we keep taking back what we entrust to God.  That is the struggle.  We feel as though we are too much of a burden.  We worry that we aren’t good enough to deserve all that He has to offer.  We imagine that He either doesn’t really understand our desires or won’t meet them even if He does. 

And so, even though it all sounds so simple.  And I believe that trust is the core, I’m still not sure how to make that decision once and let go.  It seems to be something I have to do every day.  Trust.  Then rest.  That sounds right.  

But I still struggle with the word rest in this context.  I don’t think rest means to recline and do nothing.  We must still cook and clean and work and prepare food and take care of children and give birth.  The men must still work and provide food and shelter and discipline and leadership.  That is all done with God’s guidance, but not His Body.  We work in cooperation with God.  He is the carpenter, we are the tools –  yielding to the direction of carpenter.

You know what is really weird? I was reading The Christian’s Secret of a Happy Life and I picked up my computer and typed these notes to myself in a document I have saved just for these kind of thoughts.  They aren’t in any particular order. They cover the course of years.

So, I just randomly started typing in the middle of some other notes that I had taken on a variety of subjects. And you’ll never believe what I had written right beneath these words I just wrote? 

They were notes from a message that Mike Garrigan gave.  He was talking about Our effort meeting God’s strength.  Like Ms. Smith, he was saying that we have to work in cooperation with God.  If we follow His lead and use His strength and our effort – we will succeed.  

Actually, I don’t know if he said this or I thought it based on what he said, but basically the message I got was that we don’t come out of the womb running a 5 minute mile or slam dunking a basketball into a 10 foot net, or knowing our math facts, or how to play an instrument.  We don’t come out of the womb knowing how to cook or clean or any particular skill.  We may learn some things easily, but they are still things that we must learn.  These are all things that take effort on our part. 

Mike’s message and Ms. Smith’s ideas now seem to mesh.  Mike picks up where she seemed to me to leave off. 

In this context, I think rest means not to worry; rather than sitting down to wait.

I like how God ties together thoughts I have months apart.  He’s good that way. :-)

I love You.

Mom

Heather's Journal #26. "Live in an Icon" 11-19-07

26

“Live in an Icon”

11-19-07

Man it’s sooo close 2 Christmas and I’m getting xcited! I don’t really want much 4 Christmas this year though.  Idk.  My list used 2 never end – now I want things that don’t even cost money.  I’m growing up, what can I say? 

Nuthin’ much has really happened.  I went 2 the mall 2night & went shopin 4ril.  Got Ray a super cute purse & me some amazing perfume.  I find it funny how shopping can just make a chix day.

I saw Dan’s mom 2day – waved @ her & then slunked as far down in my seat as I possibly could go.  I’ve tried 2 push him in the very back of my mind as I can.  I try 2 push so hard that his name might eventually fall out of the back of my brain.  I’m doing good w/out him – I’m proud of myself.  Now Brad – I’m missing.  But I think I’ll be over it (Hopefully) 2 years should be enough – right?

*I will strive 2 B better

In Christ,

Shorty  :-)

Dear Heather,

Glad your gift list is getting shorter and that you are beginning to  appreciate the free gifts that keep on giving. Like the love of your parents and your Savior! (Although I did note that you bought YOURSELF some perfume while Christmas shopping for others, which is a common problem for many of us!) 

I LOVE YOU!  I’m glad to be your mom.

I love you.

Mom

Heather's Journal #25 - "Life is Good" - 11-18-07

25

“Life is Good”

11-18-07

Omygah! Wahoo! I just got back from this absolutely amazing church retreat!  Wow.  Can I just get an amen?  Lol.  I met some awsum people but I mostly hung out w/ Misty, Kat, Bryan & Wesson.  Bryan & Wesson r so amazing!  It made me really realize what different kind of guys are out there.  I’m still never getting married but – idk… you think maybe there’s a guy out there who could change my mind?  I’m beginning 2 think so cuz maybe, just maybe they’re not all complete boneheads.  Lol. I’m content 4 now though so yippee.

The retreat was amazing.  I can’t even xpress in words how amazing it felt.  I’ve found peace in God that my heart has been longing 4 for months.

I went 2 their late night service & prayed 4 what seemed like hours.  It lasted ‘til 1:30 a.m. and I just cried and prayed.  I really learned how important it is 2 pray & how it makes me feel complete just 2 talk 2 my God.  I can say I found Refuge in God.  :-)  Mac has still been on my heart & I’ve been praying 4 him 4 months now.  I saw him 2day @ church but only for a few minutes. He’s still the same but I still have hope in him.  I’m just waiting and praying.  It’s all I can really do 4 now. 

For now things are good.  I’m happy & restored.  Thank you God – Thank you.  I never wanna waist a second on myself.  I give God my whole heart & my life.  And I find it funny that even my own life still doesn’t measure up 2 what He’s given me.  Oh the blessings in life – How we so don’t deserve them.  But I’ll accept them.  He’s my hero. 

*I will strive 2 be better

In Christ,

Heather Lee

Dear Heather,

Glad to hear you met a different kind of guy. There are many good Godly men in the world who are waiting on their princess!

And I’m glad that you called me at 2:00 a.m. in the morning to ask me questions about some of the things you were learning at the retreat.  I’m especially glad that I was able to help Misty understand that you don’t have to speak in tongues to go to Heaven like one of the young leaders in the restroom told her.  She meant well, but she was enthusiastic and a young leader.  And truthfully, I knew before you went that this church puts a great deal of emphasis on the spiritual  gift of speaking in tongues – which is why I told you that you needed to question everything you heard, ask for verses that support the  position,  compare it to what you understand and talk to us.  I want you to ask questions and learn and understand so that you can form and own your beliefs. 

In any case, I’m thrilled that you felt like it was important enough to wake me up. 

I love you.

Mom

Heather's Journal #24. "He Had Me" 11-13-07

24

“He Had Me”

11-13-07

What does the world expect of me? I’m so confused.  Guys 4 me… r so far beyond out right now.  I hate every single one of them.  They’re sick & they deserve no respect from me.  All this world wants is sex.  It’s haunting our souls from the very minute our eyes open 2 start another day.  Then you have the super sicko’s who dream about it or staying up all night doing it.  Either way, the world wins.  I can’t imagine ever getting married @ this rate.

My guy doesn’t even exist.  Am I just so broken I’m too afraid 2 admit it?

 

Brad – gah – I thought 4 two whole yrs he was the guy I’ve always imagined loving.  Now I have proof he doesn’t love me & heck, he never has. 

Everything w/ him was so amazing & then the day finally came when I said good-bye. 

But now he says he misses me – well I don’t care.  I’m tired of playing this stupid game that never ends.  No.  Wait.  I’m not tired – I just don’t want to.  I’m happy with God fulfilling my heart & not me giving my heart 2 some guy instead.  Gosh.

This weekend I’m off 2 church camp (Refuge) & I couldn’t be more excited.

I will strive 2 be better.

Heather Lee

Dear Heather,

Guys.  Why does it seem like so many girls feel like they need to have a guy to be likeable, or beautiful, or valuable? You are 15.  You can certainly live without guys at this point in your life – but the world tells you that you aren’t complete without a relationship.  Ugggh!

As for guys, I think it is important for you to recognize that your current views on guys (especially the sex part) is influenced by what you recently learned about your father.  Whether it’s true or not that he was your abuser, as long as you think he was, it will impact your view of men in general.  

My guess is that you feel that the only man you ever really trusted, betrayed you.  That can’t help but affect how you feel about all guys right now.


All I’m saying is that you will need to be conscience of the fact that your view of ALL guys is impacted by your experience with ONE.  As you get older, you will need to judge each guy on his own merits, being cautious but not fearful, but giving him a fair chance.  Listening to the judgment of those who love you most is also a wise move. Sometimes your own judgment is clouded.

As for love, you aren’t the only one who thinks about it. I was reading Blue Like Jazz again the other day.  It’s a really great book.  I like it because the author, Don Miller, shares my ideas about living life as a Christian.  He doesn’t talk about being a go-to-church-on-Sunday Christian.  He doesn’t talk about being perfect all the time.  He doesn’t talk like a right-wing conservative who makes signs in big handwritten letters proclaiming “All gays are going to Hell” -- as if these self-proclaimed "Men of God" have a secret window into the heart of all men.  Hypocrits who call themselves Believers.

But I’m off on a tangent ...AND it just occurred to me that I am being judgmental just like I’m claiming of them!  Crap. It is so hard to avoid.  Okay God, please help these Believers see the damage they inflict on You when they take on Your job, just like you just helped me see that I was judging them and thus being hypocritical too.  Amen. 

Back to Don Miller.... He believes in being authentic and real.  He believes in expressing his faults and your doubts.  He is a writer and a thinker like us -- only he is published so I guess he is good at his job! :-)  Anyway, I guess I relate to him therefore I like him.

Don writes about love as a 30-somethingish man.  His thoughts sound a lot like yours.  He said,

“I was in love once.  I think love is a bit of heaven.  When I was in love I thought about that girl so much I felt like I was going to die and it was beautiful, and she loved me too, or at least she said she did, and we were not about ourselves, we were about each other, and that is what I mean when I say being in love is a bit of heaven.  When I was in love I hardly thought about myself; I thought of her and how beautiful she looked and whether or not she was cold and how I could make her laugh.  It was wonderful because I forgot my problems.  I owned her problems instead, and her problems seemed romantic and beautiful.  When I was in love there was somebody in the world who was important to me, and that, given all that happened at the fall of man, is a miracle, like something God forgot to curse.”  (p. 152)

I think Don is right.  When we are in love we take the focus off of ourselves and our own problems.  Someone else is more important than we are.  And that allows us to push our problems aside.  And for a person who would prefer to ignore their issues, love is a nice solution.  But using love as a way to avoid is temporary.  Very temporary.

Because one of two things happen after the temporary.  Either the love ends, in which case at least one person is usually heartbroken.  And then your own problems become the focus once again.

Or love eventually turns into relationship (and I don’t mean the Facebook kind).  And relationships involve the interaction of two people’s needs.  At some point, the romance of love will subside and and the Diet Dr. Pepper explosion will happen again.  You will not be able to permanently avoid facing your own issues.

As for simple boyfriends, we have talked about this before.  The only difference between a boyfriend and a boy friend is the nature of the physical contact.  Boyfriends in our culture tend to expect to own a piece of your body – if not the whole thing.  On the other hand, boy friends can be your closest, most intimate friends, but instead of owning a piece of you – they are more likely to be your best protector. 

I encourage you to have lots of boy friends.  It is a great way to practice relationships without the pressure of the physical relationship – which just gets in the way.  It’s a great way to learn how boys think.  It’s a great way to feel cherished by someone of the opposite sex. It’s a great way to have fun.  But keep it all in perspective.

Physical touch is just plain confusing.  For girls, it can feel good to have a boy hold your hand or kiss you or caress you – but without the emotional connection – you end up feeling used and dirty. And it impacts your future relationships with any person.  You lose your sense of trust.  


And since the majority of relationships at your age are very short – you can have a lot of feel good moments, followed by a lifetime of feeling used and dirty.  Just think about it.  I know that you already understand what I’m talking about.

As for Brad– have you thought about the concept of long-distance relationships at your age (or any age for that matter)?  Can you see yet where your thoughts didn’t match up with reality?  I’m glad you are thinking about what went wrong with that relationship.

I love you.

Mom